The Absurdity of the English Language (On Humor)
Humor columnist Karim Shamsi-Basha shares a few phrases and terms that touch on the absurdity of the English language.
They say English is the easiest language to learn… if you ignore half the words, make up the spelling rules as you go, and accept that “break a leg” is somehow good advice. I should know. I grew up in Damascus, Syria, speaking Arabic. I learned English and French in K–12, and then, in 1984, I immigrated to the United States at the age of 18. Let’s just say my “Proper English” education was shattered the moment I heard slang expressions that made no sense.
These nonsense expressions are gold for comedy writers. You will still chuckle, no matter how many times you’ve heard one of these expressions: not the sharpest tool in the shed, the lights are on but nobody is home, or, a few fries short of a happy meal (all to describe someone who is not very bright).
But before I take a stab at absurd phrases in English, here are three in Arabic that are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone—perhaps!
- Shokran is “thank you.” Ala Rossi is “you’re welcome,” which literally means: On my head!
- To’borni is a term of endearment, which literally means: You may bury me now!
- Ball’et el bahher means “get lost,” which literally translates to: Go tile the sea!
If you’re laughing, I would stop… because English is not much better. When I first came to America, students at the University of Tennessee would ask me, “How do you like it so far?” With complete seriousness, I would answer, “Yeah… it’s pretty far!”
Since this is a magazine for writers, here are a few metaphors that strike me as hilariously apt, followed by seven writing phrases that are funny if taken literally.
Crazy Metaphors:
- Writing is herding cats… while the cats are on fire.
- My plot is a drunk octopus on roller skates.
- Drafting is throwing spaghetti at the wall and realizing the wall is also moving.
- My characters keep stealing the car and leaving me the map.
- Editing is performing surgery with oven mitts.
- The muse shows up like a raccoon: uninvited and demanding snacks.
- A first draft is a crime scene; revision is the cleanup.
Crazy Phrases:
- “Kill your darlings.” Be willing to cut beautiful sentences, scenes, or ideas if they don’t serve the work. Commonly attributed to William Faulkner, though Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch mentioned the idea in 1916.
- “Writer’s block.” The inability to produce new writing or ideas. Coined in the 1940s by psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler.
- “Purple prose.” Writing that is overly ornate or flowery. Traces back to Horace’s Ars Poetica, which warned against “purple patches” that distract rather than serve the whole work.
- “Show, don’t tell.” Convey ideas through action, dialogue, and sensory detail. Popularized in the early 20th century by creative-writing teachers and critics, notably Anton Chekhov.
- “Find your voice.” Develop a distinctive, authentic writing style. Emerged in 20th-century literary criticism and pedagogy.
- “Write what you know.” Draw from personal experience or deep understanding. Often attributed to Mark Twain, though the advice predates him.
- “In medias res.” Begin a story in the middle of the action. From Horace’s Ars Poetica (1st century BCE), describing Homer’s technique in The Iliad and The Odyssey.
Since I live in Birmingham, Alabama, I would be remiss not to mention a few crazy Southern expressions about writing. And yes, I have heard these multiple times:
- “I’m fixin’ to write, but my muse done gone to the creek.” Planning to write… but inspiration isn’t cooperating.
- “This story’s like a possum in a corncrib, ain’t nowhere it’s supposed to be.” The plot is wild and unpredictable.
- “I’d write faster if my pencil weren’t drunk.” Humorously blaming the tools for slow writing.
- “Editing this thing is like pulling teeth from a chicken.” Painful, ridiculous, and futile work.
- “I got more words in my head than a field full of fireflies, but half of ’em are blind.” Ideas are abundant but chaotic.
- “I swear this draft done grown legs and walked off.” The writing has taken on a life of its own.
Here’s how those expressions might look in a paragraph:
I sat down to write, bless my heart, but my muse done gone to the creek again, probably gossiping with the bullfrogs. I swear this draft done grown legs and walked off while I wasn’t lookin’, leaving me with a possum in a corncrib of a plot that ain’t nowhere it’s supposed to be. My pencil’s drunk, the words are runnin’ wild like fireflies, and half of ’em blind. Tryin’ to edit this mess is like pullin’ teeth from a chicken. Still, I reckon I’ll keep at it, because even if my writing’s a dumpster fire, it’s my dumpster fire, and Lord knows it’ll sure as sugar make someone laugh someday!
Yes, my Southernisms do catch on every once in a while! I hope this column gave you a chuckle or two. But please, don’t let the sweet tea come out of your nose!
