Scared of Clowns? Me Too -- So I Wrote a Book Called WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE, and I'm Giving Away Free Books

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It all started with the movie IT in 1990, and ever since watching Tim Curry as Pennywise I've been scared of clowns. And that fear brought about my new humor/parody book WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE (Amazon, Barnes & Noble). It came out Sept. 29, 2015 everywhere books are sold -- just in time for Halloween -- from Ten Speed Press, the same publisher that released my last humor book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack. The book has been mentioned by New York magazine (woot), and I already spoke about Clown Fear on Sean Moncrieff's radio station. I'm super pumped about the timing, because Halloween is peak season for clown pranks and attacks and nonsense. Be on high alert at all times.

GIVEAWAY: I'm super excited about the book and am giving away three copies to random commenters. PLUS: Not only will I give the 3 winners a copy of this clown book, I will also throw in a copy of any of my other writing guides if you're an aspiring writer and want a free book. This includes the new/updated 2016 Guide to Literary Agents and the 2016 Children's Writer's & Illustrator's Market. All you have do is comment on this post by end of day, Oct. 28, 2015, to enter. (Winners (update) -- tmartinez, jdebose and Leslie won.)

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Let's be real: Clowns scare oodles of people, and I am one such oodle person. Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns, and it is very real. These malicious jokers will spray seltzer down your pants, smash a pie into your spouse's face, and then yell drunkenly at your kid during a birthday party. They're out of control, and on a slow, creepy quest for world domination with a fully-formed Clowntopia society, where Clown Law reigns.

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In August of this year, a clown swung an axe at a woman in North Carolina during a home invasion. Last year in France, clown gangs terrorized the land. I'm not making either of these stories up -- search them and be terrified. And it's that ever-present Clown Terror that forced me to compose WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK. Finally there is a guide for coulrophobes like myself to assess, prepare and defend against these bozos. Do you know how to clown-proof your home? Where on his person a clown is vulnerable to a punch or kick? How to spot a plainclothes clown coworker? How to protect your children getting harassed at a carnival? This book tells you all that and much more.

Among many other things, the book breaks down the following:

  • The 7 reasons clowns frighten basically everybody on the planet — such as how they seem impervious to injury, they go straight for your children, and they never use their real names and are thus impossible for law enforcement to trace on the grid. But that’s just the start of it. We now know that clowns are secretly planning a massive global attack in an effort to reign supreme in a “Clowntopia” world where brutal Clown Law is the final say in all matters.
  • Why 92% of clowns have mental instability. You’d go crazy too if you have to wear oversized outfits, you were shunned if your act ever dared to improve, and you had to constantly fail every day just to get some yuks.
  • How a clown will attack you, and the weapons they use. Understand proper defense tactics against weapons such as flying pies, rubber chickens, and scarf chains that seem to go on forever.
  • The types of clowns, and the weaknesses of each. For example, the circus “whiteface” clown is typically physically weak, whereas the street clown is so desperate to make the big time that all you have to do is yell “Hey, there are circus tryouts over there!” and he will gallop away down the block.
  • The anatomy of a clown, and how none of it makes any %#@! sense. Their pants are too loose. Their noses are often affixed with potent glue, which drives them crazy after sniffing for too long, and their shoes can easily stomp a man to death.
  • How to interpret “clownspeak” — the language of clowns. We have some translated lines. For example, we know the line “If you’re a gilly spying for a clem, a gaggle of zanies I know would be happy to watch you lick the polka dots” actually means If you’re an outsider and want to fight, I will assemble a group of armed clowns to tune you up.
  • A history of clown attacks. True story: Clowns took over the entire government of Belize during Fall 1981.
  • Where clowns lurk. Avoid places such as amusement parks, railroad tracks, bars, and more.
  • And much more. Essentially, they’re just inherently terrifying.

Buy WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE here on Amazon or here on Barnes & Noble.

GIVEAWAY: I'm super excited about the book and am giving away three copies to random commenters. PLUS: Not only will I give the 3 winners a copy of this clown book, I will also throw in a copy of any of my other writing guides if you're an aspiring writer and want a free book. This includes the new/updated 2016 Guide to Literary Agents and the 2016 Children's Writer's & Illustrator's Market. All you have do is comment on this post by end of day, Oct. 28, 2015, to enter. (Winners (update) -- tmartinez, jdebose and Leslie won.)

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