Why You Can’t Get a Flu Shot Excuse

You’re at the doctor’s office for a regular check up when the doctor suggests you get a flu shot as well. You hate shots, so you come up with the most outlandish excuse as to why you can’t get one. Start your story with “You’re not going to believe this, but … ” and end it with “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

Post your response (500 words or fewer) in the comments below.

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138 thoughts on “Why You Can’t Get a Flu Shot Excuse

  1. lilliansdgva

    So one bright and shinning day, while I was in the middle of an epic boss battle in my most favorite video game, (The Last of Us) I get a call from the pharmacy telling me that (to be continued….)

  2. Scorpio

    “I can’t get the flu shot this year because I’m trying to thin out the old folks home I work at. Plus it makes my but swell up and not in a good way. So yeah, that’s why I can’t get the flu shot.”
    “Sir, You don’t work here.”

  3. Smileyface256

    Yet another response to a months old prompt. Enjoy!

    I watch in growing horror as the doctor takes out a syringe. He’s between me and the door. I slip off the bed and back into the corner. Suddenly I have a desperate plan. “Doc, I can’t get a flu shot today!”
    He raises his eyebrows.
    I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. “If I do, it will react with my brain cells and you’ll have to cart me off to the INSANE ASYLUM!” I panic as he moves closer. “Don’t move! Stay where you are! If you get any closer I’ll go crazy!”
    “Calm down, you’re hyperventilating,” he says in that patronizing, calm tone.
    “I’m in full blown panic! I have a psychotic fear of needles! That’s why I can’t get a flu shot today!” I rip the plastic disposable sheet off the bed and hold it up as a shield, shaking with fear. “NO!!!” I scream as he takes another step toward me. The door behind him opens wide and a concerned nurse stands there. I see my chance and dive between the doctor’s legs, push past the nurse and book it out to my car. My heart doesn’t slow down until I pull into my garage. I’ll never go to a doctor again. I’d rather die at home, thank you.

  4. wdebraal

    You’re not going to believe this Doc, but I can’t get the flu shot or any other shot for that matter because… uh… this one time when I was in Las Vegas with my family my mother and I walked into her motel room where we discovered my father deceased from an apparent drug overdose. At first we thought that it must have been from the… uh… cocaine! My father had died face down atop a $50 Vegas Strip hooker in the middle of snorting a long line of coke off of her naked thigh… uh. Then we noticed the needles scattered about the floor, and the ones still full of… uh… heroin! Needles of heroin were still stuck in both my father and the working girl… uh… it must have been the heroin that killed them both. Anyways, my mother looked at me and said… demanded… “Son, you have to promise me right now that you will never snort anything and never ever stick a needle in your arm, ever!” What could I do Doc? I watched my mother hold back her tears and remain strong, so I promised her. Doc! I promised her. Well… uh… my mother was quite upset as you could imagine but she was handling it OK… uh… until the coroner came to take the bodies. When they lifted my father up onto a gurney and wheeled him off one of the detectives, who was there working the scene, yelled to his partner “Hey Joe, check out the size of that Johnson!” Apparently the working girl’s name was… uh… Jimmy! My mother who had been so strong and who would have probably agreed to amend my promise to her, allowing that I never snort or inject anything other than flue vaccination, gasped in horror as she looked down upon the manhood of the second deceased. Upon seeing this unnatural site she cried out and threw her hands up in anguish which… uh… caught her off balance and caused her to step backwards, right up onto an empty bottle of champagne. Have you ever been to a Lumberjack competition Doc? Have you ever seen a logger do the log roll? All I could say, as my mother unwittingly and clumsily rolled her way across the room and over the hand rail of that 16th story balcony, cementing the promise that I had made her with no hope of amendments now as she plummeted to her untimely death, was “Hey, does anybody have any hand sanitizer?” because that is about all I can do anymore to ward off the flu, and that is why I cannot get the flu shot.

  5. Joshua Alexander

    “You’re not going to believe this, but every time I get a flu shot, I go on a killing spree. It’s brutal doc. I mow down absolutely everything and everyone in my path. I’m not even aware when it happens. I wake up to find a trail of demise from the hospital to wherever I pass out. I don’t know how it happens either. Maybe there’s some sort of innate rage inside me that’s activated by the vaccine. Don’t think I’ve never seen THAT look before, doc. That’s the same look I received from the detectives and lawyers handling my cases. Yes, doc, plural. It’s happened more than once. Listen, for your own good, doc, let’s just pass on the flu shot. I like you and don’t want to kill you and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  6. Midnight_Beauty

    You’re not going to believe this but I already had my flu shot for this year. I gave it to myself this morning. It turns out that it is a lot easier than I originally thought to develop a vaccination in a petri dish.


    Oh, the petri dish came from the science lab in at the university.

    Well, no I’m not a scientist, but I very well could be one. I’ve made some amazing medical discoveries that could change the way doctors treat patients for centuries!

    What’s that?

    Well, I can’t tell you those discoveries right now. I need to get them copywritten as my own.

    Don’t start on the scientific method and all of that legal stuff with me buddy! I’m telling you, I already got my shot.

    I’m not lying to you! Okay, so my story sounds a bit outragious. But I can prove it to you. I have a science lab and everything in my bathroom.

    Fine…the truth is…I can’t afford the shot.

    Things are really tough these days, and I need to choose between feeding my kids or taking…

    What? No! No thank you. I don’t need your charity Doc. I will work for what I need.

    My kids? Their names…um…John and Reba.

    Well, of course I’ve been pregnant! Why would I make something like that up?

    Look, just because you have my records on file doesn’t mean that I couldn’t have had a baby at home!

    I don’t HAVE to see a doctor doing a pregnancy….

    No, I’m not afraid of needles. Just don’t come near me…

    Alright! I confess! I’m in rehab right now. If you stick me with a needle, I’ll relapse. And that’s the truth. So you see doc, that’s why I can’t get a shot today.

  7. bugaboo2

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I do have a perfectly good reason why I cannot take a flu shot today, or ever for that matter.” I watched as what I said filtered into the doctor’s brain. This would have to be good; surely I was not the only patient that ever attempted to get out of a shot before. Who could blame me? I’m pretty positive that no other person had ever had a story like I was about to tell him explaining why I was, am, and always will be afraid of needles.

    Even sewing needles. Ugh…. I get goose bumps just thinking about them.

    He turned to look at me with a patronizing look on his face. “Ok, I’ll humor you for five minutes. Tell me your excuse to not have a flu shot?” He perched himself in his I’m-a-doctor-and-therefore-better-than-you swirly stool and looked at me very attentively. Either that or he was trying to make out his grocery list in his head, I couldn’t quite be sure. “Really,” he continued, with a smug grin on his face, “if you tell me a story I have never heard before, I won’t give you a shot.”

    “Well, you see, when I was little, my sister and I were playing volleyball over a tree limb in our back yard with a basketball…”

    “You were doing WHAT?”

    I glared at him. “Do you want to hear this or not?”

    He did that stupid little grin thing of his again. “Go on.”

    I really wanted to rip his mustache off.

    “Ok, while we were playing she dislocated her finger. Since the same thing had happened to me a year before and I had to have my finger re-broken because the doc did not set my finger so it grew back wrong and they had to break it. So I popped hers back into joint and told her she’d thank me later.”

    “How does this pertain to needles?”

    “Oh, after her finger popped back she got this bump on the top of her finger that hurt. We thought it was an insect bite. My mom finally took her to the doctor a month later when she could not move it anymore. They did an x-ray and almost called DHR. A sewing needle was stuck in her finger! They said it must have been attached to the bone and we knocked it off so it started to come out.”

    “That is a very unique story.” He was moving around behind me and I could not see what he was doing.

    “Yes, it is …” a burst of pain in my arm cut me off. I looked up to see the doc grinning at me while applying a band aid.

    “Unfortunately for you, your sister was here this morning.”

    I mumbled the rest of my sentence, even though it was too late, “and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  8. pkmccord

    “Doctor, you’re not going to believe this, but I actually WANT that flu shot. DESPERATELY. I hate being sick and there is NOTHING I’d love more right now than if you jammed that needle in and pumped me so full of vaccine that my eyes change color.”

    I pause for dramatic effect, taking a deep breath. “And if I didn’t care so much about national security – about my family’s safety and your safety and YOUR family’s safety – I’d let you. But for their sake and yours, Doctor, we NEED me to get that flu.”

    Ignoring her decidedly unpatriotic eye roll, I keep going, voice picking up speed as the BS engine chokes once and begins to purr. “The truth is – and I’m trusting you that this facility’s secure – I’m actually part of an elite military unit, about to infiltrate a hospital camp in Central America. I can’t be more specific than that. There’s a “doctor” who runs the place – and let me just say right now, this bastard is a brown stain on a noble profession, and I’m personally ashamed and offended on your behalf! – who just HAPPENS to moonlight as the most prolific and deadly arms dealer on the black market today. We’ve tried to bring him in six times, but he’s too smart. His only vulnerability is that clinic, and planting a “patient” – that’s me – is our last shot at closing him down. I need an infection that’ll lay me up long enough to carry out my mission without totally incapacitating me. We’re not talking about faking a cough to stay home from school, here. If he doesn’t believe I’m on the verge of death, our mission fails and God help us all, ma’am, God help us ALL.” I make my best wide-eyed, earnest, WW1 doughboy face and cross myself, momentarily forgetting I’m Jewish.

    “I’ve been blowing my nose with used Kleenex for weeks…sitting outside at night in my underwear, licking doorknobs, sucking on loose change, speeding up the process however I can. If we vaccinate me now, it’ll be the mission and democracy down the toilet instead of my lunch. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot… not today.”

    I jump down off the exam table, grab my jacket and reach for the doorknob, pausing for a second to consider the dramatic impact of licking it. Nah… too much, too much. Overselling it. Instead, I turn and add – in as reassuringly ominous a tone as possible – “By the way, I’ll be sending over some confidentiality forms for you to sign later… you know, just for your own safety. I really shouldn’t have told you this much.”

  9. Jeanie Y

    The syringe sits on the shiny metal tray, a testament to all things bad. My eyeballs are acting like they are attached to it by bungee cords. Look away, boing, bounce back. Look away, boing, bounce back. I knew it was coming, and it was time to start my filibuster.

    “You’re not going to believe this Jerry, but…” I began.

    “Alan, you do this every year. You come in here for your yearly physical, which as you know includes the flu shot, and you start on this outrageous story in order to get out of it. Your stories are as good as your golf. Give it up, man!”

    “No, Jer, come on, this time it’s for real. Come on, gimme a minute to explain.”

    “Okay, Al, you have one minute. I have a room full of patients out there who want to get their flu shot. And you know the reasons why it’s important for you to get it, so don’t make me go through that list again. So, go, time’s a tickin’.”

    Deep breath. Hit him with your best shot.

    “Well, you know how Amy and I have been trying to have another kid, but that’s not working out so well. It’s actually turning out to be like work. I mean, come on, isn’t that just wrong? Anyhow, night after night, same ‘ol, same ‘ol. So, I tell her that I am coming here to get my physical and she just wigs out! She told me to make sure to tell you that I can’t get a flu shot because of all the mercury that’s in there and it’ll hurt the baby and…”

    “Alan. This is the best one you have come up with yet, a lot better than the Amish pork crisis of the 1970’s, but it’s not gonna fly. Now, lay down and look at the poster over there on the wall. Think about being on that beach and it will help you cope.”

    Resigned, I lay down and look over at the flat, fake beach poster and try to cope. I can feel the needle coming closer. Oh, God. Cope. Cope. Copay, whoa, copay!!

    “Hey, Jerry! Did I tell you I lost my job last month? I am flat broke, can’t even come up with the copay. Not even sure my insurance will pay for this visit.”

    “Alan, I’m…I’m sorry to hear that.” Needle poised in mid-air. “You know Al, I can’t believe that I forgot. We have a whole busload of nuns coming from Cincinnati to get their shots. You know how those nuns are when you run out of flu shots. They start screaming and carrying on, even had one swear at me! So, I have to make sure I have enough supply for them. I’m sure you understand, right Al?”

    “Don’t sweat it Jer!” I squealed jubilantly as I hopped off the table. I should have played the money angle years ago.

    And that is why I didn’t get my flu shot.

  10. taystacey87

    Sitting on the patients table in the back of the clinic, little Billy awaited a fate he knew to be worse then death, and peas. His mother’s bumbling insistence that he get a flu shot, brought on by media induced paranoia, had landed him in this forsaken place. He looked around suspiciously at the torture devices around him, sweat brimming from his young brow. Just then the “Good” Doctor walked in, snapping on his rubber gloves of doom in a most peppy fashion, he was even whistling a tune to himself, the sadist.

    “Well Master Billy are you ready for your annual flu shot”, asked the “Good” Doctor.

    “My good sir, I couldn’t possibly get a flu shot today” I protested.

    “Oh, and why is that my lad”, questioned the “Good” Doctor.

    “You’re not going to believe this Doc”, I said, sitting up straight and regaining my composure, “But I happen to be a very important person. You see, I am a wizard of the highest degree, and pedigree. I have been taught ancient wisdom beyond your mortal comprehension. I am learned in the magical arts and could destroy every germ that dares breach my bodies defenses.”

    The “Good” Doctor looked slightly taken a back, but still disbelieving of my claims.

    “My good sir, this is no lie that I recite to you. Also as your superior in all things knowledgeable I demand some respect”! I took a deep breath and continued my rant. “For I am a wizard of the Intergalactic League of all Beings Powerful and Knowing, or the ILBPK, if you will. I have been taught by the wisest of all beings in the universe, and have had use of their wondrous technologies. As we speak I have nano’s coursing through my veins, ridding my body of these pathetic Earth germs. For your measly liquids of maybe’s and hopeful’s are no match to the nano’s disintegration beams of absolute certainties”.

    I then stood upon the patient’s table, and pointed an accusing finger at the “Good” Doctor.

    “Now hear this puny human, I say back away with your medieval devices and step aside, for if a mere mortal were to pierce the skin of the illuminated like myself, then he shall suffer a fate worse than imagination could conjure. For the moment my precious blood touches the air all present shall immediately be encased in stone, alive, to live out eternity in uncomfortable boredom”! I crossed my arms over my heaving chest, in an admirable attempt at manliness. “And that is why you shall not give me a flu shot today”.

    The “Good” Doctor shifted uneasily, “So I see, well in that case my I at least check your vitals to see how well these nano’s are working for you”?

    “Why of course”, I responded, “Marvel at the glory of alien technology”.

    The “Good” Doctor approached me. Looking over my vitals, he made sounds of astonishment and approval at my good health.

    Then a prick hit my arm, and I felt a pain like no other.

    “Let’s see your nano’s fight that”, the devious “Good” Doctor proclaimed, smiling at me and strutting out of the room in full bloom arrogance.


  11. silverserena

    “You’re not going to believe this but yesterday I was relaxing in my room when the doorbell rang. I got up and answered the door, only to find a small piece of paper there with no one in sight. Well, I read the paper and it said to meet “me” at the old abandoned hospital on 198 Maple Street. I didn’t know whether to listen or not. But curiosity won me over and the next thing I knew I was in my pick-up truck on my way to the hospital. I barged through the front door and before I could even take a step; the hardwood flooring gave way into a pit and I plummeted through into the depths of the hospital. I fell flatly on a cold cement floor. It was pitch dark in the basement room. Suddenly, a light flickered on, illuminating the cellar. An old and slightly deranged looking man with a spiky graying hairdo and a white lab coat strode towards me. He said his name was Dr. Hamelschmimer and that he was a biological researcher. He was standing next to a small cage. Inside the cage was my beloved cat, Mr. Twinkles. I asked him why he had Mr. Twinkles and he said he wanted a trade. I put up a fight and demanded Mr. Twinkles back or I would call the police, but soon he sprung a trap on me as well and there was nothing I could do. I finally gave up and asked what he wanted in return for my cat. He said that I would have to get the flu so that he could research an herbal cure to the sickness and then I would get Mr. Twinkles back. He said no other person was willing to catch the flu for his experiment and I was the only subject he could capture. I tried to reason with him but it was no use. The only way I would get Mr. Twinkles back was if I got the flu. And that’s why I can’t get the flu shot today.”

  12. smiles2much

    “You’re not going to believe this, dear,” Harriet said, “but I have a third kidney.”

    Nurse Emma looked up from her preparations, a shocked expression on her face. “A third… But that’s impossible!”

    “I know, but it’s true.”

    The nurse stared at her elderly patient. “Does it work?”

    “I hope so because I donated it.” Harriet sat back in the chair with a self-satisfied smile.

    “So… You have only two kidneys.”

    “Well, of course! Everyone has only two kidneys. You should know that!” Harriet looked at the young RN suspiciously. “Are you sure you are qualified for this?”

    The blonde woman pursed her lips and said, “Of course, I am! I graduated from nursing school at the top of my class!”

    Harriet clapped her hands. “Well, congratulations, my dear! We have something in common. I’m a nurse too.”

    “Really? Where did you work?”

    “General Hospital,” Harriet replied. Her eyes softened, as did her voice. “Oh, the doctors were so dreamy!”

    “They tend to be.”

    Harriet leaned forward and patted the younger woman’s knee with a wrinkled hand. “Of course, it was only a television show. But I did have an authentic uniform.”

    Emma’s face again registered surprise. “So you were an actress on a soap opera?”

    “Soap? Yes, one should always use soap.” Harriet sniffed. “I hope you washed your hands before touching that needle.”

    Emma’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I know my job.”

    “I had a job too, but I quit when I got pregnant with George.” Harriet sat up, a worried look on her face. “Should pregnant women do this?”

    “No, we advise against it.”

    Harriet gathered her purse and prepared to stand. “Oh, in that case, I should go.”

    “But, why?”

    “Because George is going to have a brother or sister soon.”

    At that moment, a stooped man shuffled over and put a hand on Harriet’s shoulder. “Don’t mind her, Nurse. My wife is ill.”

    Harriet was taken aback. “Frank! She doesn’t need to know about the morning sickness. Besides, it’s not as bad as it was last month.”

    Nurse Emma looked from one octogenarian to the other, her mouth open. She snapped it shut, grabbed the folder in front of her, and flipped to a pink sheet. “Ah. It says you have Alzheimer’s.”

    “Yes!” Harriet said triumphantly. “It’s 1965. The vaccine hasn’t been invented yet. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  13. chait4me

    “You’re not going to believe this, but when I was young, I was taken by aliens and probed; with needles. Like I said, I was very young, and as you can guess; no one believed me.” The doctor just stood staring at this middle aged man, not sure whether he was serious or just crazy; so being a bit amused decided to listen to his story. He figured the man just needed to take some time to muster up some courage before getting his shot. The doctor had heard many excuses in his line of work, but mostly from children. “You see it was the light that first caught my attention, just as portrayed in the movies. As a young kid, following these lights was not only an adventure, but a mystery. It was a spring morning, so to see these lights in the light of day, was unusual. I put on my shoes and followed the lights to a nearby field where I often played. The wildflowers below the shimmering orb were gently swaying, and the lights flashed out of sequence to a muted hum. As I got closer, the hypnotic sights and sounds just kept drawing me closer. I couldn’t stop staring at this shimmering green orb that seemed liquefied. I was paralyzed either out of fear, or by some effect of the orb. Then slowly it began to move closer and closer, until it surrounded me; even inside of me. It was an incredibly warm sensation that engulfed my entire body. Even in my youth, I knew whatever this was; it wasn’t of this world. It wasn’t too long before it was clear that I was inside of this orb, and surrounded by some form of liquid; to this day I couldn’t tell you what that liquid was. It was then that my curiosity turned exclusively into fear, and I wanted to cry out, but couldn’t. In my fear I hadn’t realized I was floating while attached to translucent tentacles. I tried to speak, but one of these tentacles had been inserted into my mouth and down my throat. How or when this happen, I couldn’t tell you. During this time, I saw no one; for what seemed like hours. Then a muted image approached slowly, and as it got closer, the image became clearer. I’d describe his body as scaly, but it also changed colors just as the lights outside flashed different colors. I thought I was scared before, but what happened next was an excruciating experience I’ll never forget. Needles came from every direction and began to probe every part of my body. They would insert these needles, take them out, and then insert them again. I don’t know if I passed out or if they drugged me, because the next thing I remember was lying in a field of wildflowers; sick as a dog.” The doctor stood speechless as the man concluded, “And that is why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  14. BleuVenom

    “You’re not going to believe this, but Dr. Seward I do not want a flu shot nor do I need another checkup.” The girl smiles convincingly while still fully dressed.
    “Hmmm…, that’s the funny thing about needs and wants: your folks and I want you to take measures to maintain your good health and feel you need to fulfill your part by receiving the care that is given to you.”
    “Well, if you recall, just a short six months ago, you did a full checkup and said I’m ‘in perfect health’ – your words.”
    “That was for school and a field trip. Anything could’ve happened between then and now.”
    “Like what Dr. Seward? Perhaps I’ve eaten one too many Krispy Kreme donuts or piles of French fries or inhaled whole meat lover’s pizzas?”
    “I don’t think I like your tone young lady.”
    She rolls her eyes as she folds her arms defiantly. “Well, I don’t like people telling me what I need or want.”
    “It was your own mother who set up this appointment Suzy. If you have issue with this, take it up with her and not me. And I prefer that you decide that before you come here and waste my time.”
    “Waste your time?! You’re my Mom’s best friend!”
    “Suzy, you know what I mean. With cutbacks, I’m extra busy and have other patients waiting. People who want care are waiting and I need to give them my full attention even if only for fifteen minutes. Our personal relationship outside of here has nothing to do with it. This is my job.”
    “So I’m not important enough for you to spend fifteen minutes with?”
    Dr. Seward sighs heavily.
    “If you don’t want to get another checkup fine, but I still have to give you a flu shot.”
    “I don’t give you consent.”
    The doctor grows annoyed and impatient. “Let me remind you that you’re a minor. It’s my job to follow protocol. Your mother wants you to get a simple flu shot dear. What on earth is the big deal? I’ve never seen you like this before Suzy.”
    “Stop calling me Suzy! I’m fourteen now. I want to be called Suzanne!”
    Dr. Seward is taken aback. The young teen before her is shaking and fighting back tears. She looks at Suzanne concerned.
    “I can’t deal with this anymore! I’m leaving!” she jumps off the exam table trying to bypass her.
    Without thinking, Dr. Seward grabs hold of the girl to try to calm her.
    “Don’t touch me! Let go of me!” she cries and slumps into a pile on the floor.
    Shocked, the doctor lets go and step back. She observes the crumpled mass of tear-stained flesh before her.
    The woman’s face shapes into a look a horror. She falls to her knees. “How could I not know?” She begins to weep. She looks the teen in her eyes: “Does your mother know about the abuse?
    “No. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  15. npryncess

    The nurse ran into the room just as I dove across the examination bed, knocking over the cart holding the syringes and swabs. Sweating bullets and my arms stretched in front of me, I shouted, “Y-you’re not going to believe this, Doc, b-but I ABSOLUTELY CAN’T get a flu shot today!”

    Please, calm down Mr. Witts! I’ve put the needle down, okay!? Now just have a seat and tell me what’s got you so upset.

    “You’ll stay over there? Away from me!?” I said, almost panting. “Oh God, I feel dizzy!” “It’s okay. You’re hyperventilating. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. You’ll feel better.” Dr. Haines instructed.

    I pulled a chair over with my foot and climbed off of the floor onto the chair. “I’m sorry Doc. You see, I can’t take the flu shot. It could kill me!” I explained. Turning the bed upright the doctor said “Mr. Witts, there are very few cases of fatalities from the flu vaccine.” “No, Doc. I’m different.” I sighed.

    “See, when I was in the military-Special Ops-troops were getting sick and dropping dead all around us. They were burning with fever, hallucinating, vomiting-it was awful! All I knew was that I had to survive to get back home to my family. So I went to talk to the medic to tell him to get his act together and find a way to start saving folks, ya know?! Anyways, he tells me he’s on to something, right? He says he’s been testing a bunch of vaccines on the soldiers but they were still dying. Then he looks at me with crazy eyes, right? And he starts talking about how everybody was dying ‘cept me and him and he wants some of my blood to test and see how it’s different. So I say, “Yeah, what the hell. Take it.” So he comes to me a few days later and says he never seen nothin’ like it. He says he sees the virus in my blood stream big time, but it’s not having an affect on my body. So he did some heebee-geebee stuff and injected my virus into a handful of the sick men and BAM! They died. But in the meantime, one of the sick soldiers, desperate for a cure, sneaked the same needle and injected himself with the remaining vaccine. Lo and behold, three days later his fever breaks. So the doc starts mixing the virus from the sick men with mine and injecting into the other sick guys and they all get well. So the Army takes notice and contacts the CDC and WHO who takes it and that’s now the flu vaccine. But it’s got the virus from the dead guys in it. So that’s why I can’t take the flu shot.”

    Dr. Haines rolls his eyes and says, “The influenza vaccine was first developed in the 1940s, now roll up your sleeve.” I swallow hard and say, “Oh.”

  16. livvyrose8

    “You’re not going to believe this but; yesterday I was walking to lunch down town. I decided to take a short cut through an alley. I was about half way through when I heard a woman weeping. There sitting behind a stack of boxes was a haggard thin dirty woman.
    I approached her and gently put my hand on her shoulder and asked what was wrong. She proceeded to tell me how she hadn’t eaten in days. I gently pulled her up and said you are coming to lunch with me.
    We entered my favorite Bistro and despite the stares of disapproval I asked for my usual table with an extra setting. I told her to order what ever she wanted its on me.
    After we had finished our meal we exited back onto the sidewalk. As she reached her hand out to take mine she suddenly appeared healthy and clean. She said “I am a gypsy magic woman. Because you have done this kindness out of a caring heart I shall grant you one wish.” I thought for a moment and said “I really hate getting the flu, so if you could make me immune that would be the best gift ever.”
    She touched my arm and said “It is done.” She left me with a warning that I must never try to get any other type of prevention for the flu or it would make the wish disappear. “And that is why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  17. onaway

    “You’re not going to believe this, doc!” I seized the hypodermic needle from the stainless tray and plunged it into Dr. Hobbs’s left eyeball, burying the thick needle into his brain. His mouth screamed and yet no sound came out. Just an awful low guttural wail. A stream of blood shot beautifully into the ceiling tile and arced across the small examination room in great contrast to all the white cabinets and walls. Remarkably, the doctor stood straight up and took a step back, covering his eyes with his hands, crashing into his swivel stool and knocking the blood pressure cart over. I was chucking and jiving trying to dodge his blood but it was impossible. He continued wailing and moaning and drooling. I hopped down from the examination table and watched him stagger. Then I lined him up to kick him. I drove all of my weight into the side of his leg snapping his knee. He collapsed with a high-pitched gasp and I grabbed his shoulders and threw him against the door. The staff was trying to force their way in. Women were screaming. The door opened slightly and a mustachioed man stupidly presented his fat face in the opening so I stabbed him between the eyes with a scalpel. His eyes became very wide at that point. I dragged the blade down to the tip of his nose and cut a nostril off before he closed the door.

    Then suddenly something came over me. I looked around at the bloody mess of the room. The posters were spattered; the light was covered in blood casting a red haze onto everything. The doc’s bloody fingerprints smeared down the walls. I began to feel ill.

    “I changed my mind… I’ll take that flu shot.” I said, hopping up onto the examination table.

    Dr. Hobbs groaned and removed the needle from his brain.

  18. brandongd

    You’re not going to believe this, but I had already received the flu shot. “Really?” Dr. Adam’s says. Just now, when you were getting my paper work from the receptionist, Dr. Sidhu had come in here and givin me my shot. There for, I do not need to receive one from you. Dr. Adam’s furrowed his brow. “well that’s strange, I don’t see why Dr. Sidhu would be minding my patients…Wait here Mrs. Berkley”. As Dr. Adam’s left the room to investigate, Jayne Berkley had let out a sigh, phew. Now that my plan has worked and bought me some time, I need to get get out of here!. Jayne slid off the cold metal table crinkling the paper with every move. She moved across the white shiny floor and opened the door. Poking her head out she looked left, then right. When the coast was clear she ran with all her might, never to return to Dr. Adam’s office again.


    “You’re not going to believe this but, I can’t get a FIuenza shot today because I’m already a lab rat in another experiment.”

    I stepped off the cold examining table as the doctor stared through me
    “So, what is it this time Jennifer?” Dr. Beaumont asked.
    He thinks he knows me I thought to myself. I buttoned my blouse, zipped my skirt and checked myself in the door’s mirror.

    “I rather not say!”

    He pulled off the rubber gloves and tossed them in a red container.

    “What, are you’re thinking I’ll breach patient confidentiality?” He said grabbing my chart and writing feverishly.
    “No Doctor. I’ve made my decision and don’t need you to justify it.”

    He continued writing as I stepped into my shoes.

    “Does this have something to do with your overall health?”

    I put on my Safari hat at the same time he returned the chart back to his desk.
    “We have no secrets doctor, if it had to do with my health, I‘d tell you.”
    He rubbed his right hand under his chin and stared through me as if he’d solved a puzzle.

    “I see.”
    “You see what doctor?”
    He didn’t answer quickly enough and I moved toward the door to leave.
    “I see, you’re not going to share what this is about and leaving without my professional opinion.”
    “You mean your professional guess don’t you?”

    He looked surprised by my response, but I continued.

    “Most doctors guess at what’s wrong with their patients because they really can’t pinpoint illness and disease. Sort of the luck of the draw isn’t it!”

    He stood up, grabbed a fifth of Jack Daniels from a lower cabinet, opened it and took a swig. I’d never seen this behavior and immediately thought about his replacement. I reached for the doorknob as he took another gulp. He moved in closer blocking the door.

    “No I don’t mean professional guess! I didn’t go to med school to give my patients guesses. I don’t understand you people!” He was loud and alcohol permeated the air.
    “What people!” I said louder.
    “The People who paid Coach, but want First Class service! The people, who want doctors at their beckon call for every little insignificant thing in their grossly mundane lives! And the-“
    “You’re a General Practitioner, I don’t think-“
    “That’s the problem! Most patients don’t THINK, they JUDGE!”

    Knock! Knock!

    “Doctor, is everything alright in there?”
    “We’re fine Nurse Rackett!”
    Her footsteps disappeared behind the door.


    “You’re drunk. I should leave.”
    “A drunk’s mind speaks a truthful heart!”
    “But, it’s not my truth!”
    He backed away from the door without taking his eyes off me.

    “Exactly, what is your truth?” He questioned.

    I cleared my throat.

    “I’ve been diagnosed with Murderous Pussy. People kill to experience it and die to protect it. The clinical trials involve taking drugs I can’t mix, to revert it back to normal.”

    The doctor stood speechless and sobered up.

    And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  20. Sharo

    “You’re not going to believe this, doc, ” I began, swallowing to moisten my sandpaper-dry throat. My forehead was persperating and I felt faint at the sight of his syringe. “But a flu shot isn’t really going to help me at all. You see, a few years ago, I was hit by a train.”

    Doctor Padilla rose his brows at this, but remained silent.

    I went on. “I was in a coma for over six weeks. On the day I woke up, I found myself not in a hospital, but in some kind of white room, strapped down to a bed. There was a metal door and only one window, and it was like the ones you see in interrogation rooms–you know, the dark ones where they can see you but you can’t see them?”

    I paused and stared at him, wondering if he was buying the story so far. I wasn’t sure exactly where I was going with it. I was making it up as I went along.

    There was an impassive look on my doctor’s face and he made a proceeding gesture. “Go on.”

    I clasped my sweaty palms together and cleared my throat. “Well, no sooner had I awoken when a man in a doctor’s coat came through the door. He gave me no time to ask the thousands of questions I had. He told me that my life was never going to be the same again. He said my body had been so damaged by the train that most of it had to be replaced with mechanical parts–”

    Padilla snickered as he stood from his stool and approached my side. “Well, that’s by far the wildest excuse I’ve ever heard.”

    I scowled at him. “It’s true! And they aren’t normal mechanical parts, either. They can do things. My arms are freakin’ Swiss army knives! And don’t even get me started on the things my butt can do!” I took a breath to calm myself. “So, that’s why I can’t get a flu sho–ow!!”

  21. Revriley

    “You’re not going to believe this, but camels are really hunchbacked mules. Double hunchbacked mules.” I said grandly, relaxing in the chair with my arms behind my back.

    The doctor raised an eyebrow, leaning over as he rummaged through a drawer of his desk. “What?”

    “Nothing. Carry on.” I closed my eyes, yawning. “Time for the Popsicle stick or what?”

    I heard a few objects clatter, followed by the slamming of the drawer. “No. You’re overdue for a flue shot, howev–”

    “–however, I think I’ll let you off the hook because you’ve been such a good paycheck, what with all the bruises and scrapes you bring in every other week or so. That’s what you mean, right?”

    He shook his head in exasperation. “Are you afraid of shots, Mister–”

    “Certainly not, I down at least two every night.” I interrupted. “But you can’t seriously expect me to allow this. Not after the Quilt Skirmish of ’07.”

    The doctor’s lips twitched faintly, and he grabbed a clipboard and pencil from the desk. “Oh, they’ll love this. What happened?”

    “My grandmother was quite the seamstress back in the last century. Five years ago, she had the notion of taking up her old hobby again–which would have been fine, if she wasn’t blind. At any rate, she wanted to mend these pants of mine, and ends up pricking her fingers multiple times. Nothing serious. Anyway, materfamilias and I ended up confiscating her needles.”

    “I fail to see how this relates to the present day,” The doctor said, looking slightly disappointed.

    “Thing is, doc, it turned out she had a whole stash of needles hidden in her purse. Which she always kept by her side. It’s sad, in a way,” I mused, my smile disappearing. “She was so afraid of losing the one skill she had that she hid her tools of the trade away even though she couldn’t use them anymore.”

    “When my mater matris and I came back a day or so later, she’d nearly sliced her finger in two. It was…she’d always been off-kilter after gramps died, but…” I sighed, slumping further, my arms folded against my chest.

    “That must have been the breaking point. She didn’t recognize our voices, for all I know she thought we were robbers or something. She rose from her armchair and threw herself at us, clutching a needle in her hand…” I shifted uncomfortably, clenching and unclenching my hands.

    “Wanting to prevent a case of filicide I lunged in front of her…and the needle went straight into my arm. My own grandmother. She realized it was me after I screamed–she recognized my scream but not my voice, what’s that tell you–and I still remember her crying out my name.”

    The doctor stared at me, the pencil forgotten in his hand as he gaped, vague horror in his eyes.

    The air-conditioner hummed in the background. I looked at him, my voice soft. “…And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  22. TD_Memm

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I can’t get a flu shot.” I felt so silly speaking the words. Doctor Smith looked at me with a quizzical squint. “I know how it sounds, believe me. But it’s the truth.”

    “You really should get a flu shot, Tom.” He paused for a moment as if the next sentence was a gummy bother that he couldn’t unwrap from his tongue. “It’s okay if you don’t like them. Lots of men are afraid of shots.”

    “I’m not afraid,” I began to defend, but the good doctor was already pressing on.

    “A needle into your arm? Who would welcome that? But it’s important you get a flu shot. Your chart shows it’s been awhile.” I let silence answer him for a time, my head working out the puzzle of what to say next. Actually, I knew what I had to say; it was the way I chose to say it that was troublesome.

    “Oh, I understand,” I nodded. “But I just can’t. I’ve never gotten a shot before, doc. So I can’t now, you understand?”

    His confusion replaced itself on his face. He looked back to the folder he was holding. I never understood what they had on there beside what was done to me and when, but he scoured the pages like they were in a different language and he had some chance of deciphering the message.

    “Clearly it shows you’ve received several shots over the past……four, five. Five years.” He looked back up at me and pushed the glasses he wore from the tip to the bridge of his nose. “Come on now, Tom. It’s quick. Mostly painless, too.”

    “That’s not it, Doctor,” I sighed. I needed to be more blunt. I needed to say what I was reluctant to admit. But why? I just had to show him. If I showed him why, he wouldn’t have a choice but to understand. “And the chart’s a lie. I never have had a needle in my arm.”

    “The chart’s a lie?” He entered some form of bewilderment which might have been comical if I wasn’t so apprehensive.

    “It’s best I show you,” I said, hopping to my feet which were previously swinging like pendulums over the edge of the examining table. I went to his table and looked over the instruments. Some shone with a glare in the artificial lighting; others remained dull and perfectly straight as they were set by the attending nurse. With a quick survey of the available tools, I selected the syringe I assumed was intended to take blood and pulled the plastic cap off the needle. Doctor Smith started to physically interject but I pushed him away with ease; he was a smaller man than I. Without hesitation, I gripped the needle like an infant does a fork and jabbed furiously at my arm. Doctor Smith yelped awkwardly but the needle hit my skin and broke instantly.

    “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  23. Laurie64

    “You’re not going to believe this, doctor but I can’t get a flu shot today.” The young woman said calmly.
    “That’s what you’ve said before.” the doctor said irritably. Already today he had three patients refuse to get the flu shot. He had plenty of vaccine ready and waiting for use.
    “No, really I can’t.” she said pleadingly. “You see I’m not a human being any more. I’ve been taken over by an alien being and aliens don’t get flu shots. Isn’t that right inner alien?” She asked the empty air.
    She spoke again in a high-pitched odd-sounding voice. “That’s right. We don’t. What is the flu anyway?”
    “Come on. Stop it with the comedy act already. I need to give you this..” The doctor said huffily. These patients were getting to be too much. He hadn’t given the flu shot to one patient that day. Hard to believe that anyone would think that there was going to be a flu vaccine shortage.
    “Please, listen.” she said in her normal speaking tone. “I was lying in bed one night sleeping when a strange bright light from a flying saucer woke me up. By the way, it does look like the saucer everyone describes in pop culture. A strange blue creature teleported itself into my bedroom. It looked like blue vapor mists. Then it spoke: ‘I am from the planet NoName. We have come to live like humans to see if we want to live here. Our planet has gotten very, very boring.’ Before I could protest, it entered my body and took over half of me. The other half is still human. Because I’m half alien I can’t take needle shots.”
    She continued, “If you inject me with a needle I will destroy Earth and all humankind. Do you really want to be responsible for that, doctor?”
    “Oops, I’m not feeling well.” she said and rolled off the table and onto the floor. She was turning blue and her eyes were rolling back in her head. She began babbling and the proceeded to do the Macarena.
    “Enough!” The doctor shouted. “Get back on the table! ” Where do these weirdos come from?
    The young woman returned to the table and spoke,” And that, doctor is why I cannot get a flu shot today.”

    My first submission.

  24. katjamb1

    First timer here:

    “You know, it is flu season,” Dr. Bailey reminds me. I shudder. The thought of a needle piercing my skin is enough to make me pop an Ativan right there in his office, but then he probably wouldn’t continue to prescribe it for me.

    I run my suddenly-sweaty hands up and down my legs. “Actually, Dr. Bailey, I’m going to have to come back another time for the flu shot.”

    “It will only take a minute. The nurse will come right in.”

    “Well, see, that’s the thing. The last time I got a flu shot in this office, I passed out. I think I must be allergic or something. Next thing I knew, I woke up, on an exam table, naked, and the nurse was pulling her scrubs back on. I don’t know what happened, but I think I was -” I choke on the words. “Violated.”

    Dr. Bailey gives me a hard stare. “Mike,” he says. “That’s a pretty serious accusation. I highly doubt that someone on my staff would do such a thing.”

    “You’d believe their word over mine, is what you’re saying?” I asked. Still sweating. “I haven’t been able to be intimate with a woman since then,” I said. “And,” I’m really stretching it now. “I’m thinking of suing this practice for emotional distress.”

    Dr. Bailey looks like he wants to punch me. Call bullshit. Which I wouldn’t blame the guy for. Because he’d be totally in the right. After we stare each other down for a few awkward moments, he gains his composure and speaks to me in his “you have cancer” voice. “Mike, no one is going to sue my office. I’m sorry about whatever happened to you the last time you got a flu shot. But now I’d like you to leave. In fact, maybe it’s best for all of us if you find another doctor. I wouldn’t want this … unfortunate event to happen to you again.”

    “Certainly, I understand.” Damn. I liked Dr. Bailey. I really stepped in it this time. But it’s way too late now.

    We shake hands and stand up to leave the exam room, continuing the charade. Stephanie, the nurse, appears with her tray and the offensive flu vaccine all ready to plunge deeply into my skin.

    “That won’t be necessary, Stephanie,” Dr. Bailey says. “Michael’s had his flu shot already this season.”

    Why is he lying for me?

    As I start up my car in the doctor’s office parking lot, Dr. Bailey runs out to my car. “Again, I’m really sorry about what happened with Stephanie. You’re not the only one this has happened to. I really appreciate you keeping this to yourself, Mike. Well, good luck to you,” he says, and turns and walks into the building.

    “That little whore!” I say to myself. And that’s why I’m can’t get a flu shot today.

  25. WV Jim

    You’re not going to believe this, but back in 1951 my grandfather was part of a government study on heart replacement surgery, specifically heart valves. He’d had two heart attacks, and wasn’t expected to live much longer, so Dr. Barnard did valve replacement surgery on him. It was only the second heart surgery ever using pig valves in place of human valves. My grandfather lived to be 84 years old.

    My father was born in 1953, and has never been sick a day in his life. I was born in 1972, and just turned forty, and I’ve never been sick a day in my life. My little brother was born in 1974, and he was perfectly healthy…but he had a flu shot last year and died.

    You see, the pig valve in my grandfather’s heart worked better than even Dr. Barnard could have imagined. The valve became part of him; so much so that, when my father was born, he was one quarter pig. My brother and I were both born one eighth pig. To this day, none of us can stand the smell of frying ham or sausage.

    Last year my brother decided to get a flu shot. The Asian flu was scaring everyone to death, so he thought he’d be safe. Little did we know that another name for the Asian flu was…Swine flu.

    The inoculation he had put into his body effectively killed one eighth of him, and that one eighth included his heart.

    He died of a massive heart attack.

    But our family is always proactive when it comes to these types of things. My mother, who is one hundred percent human, decided to fry my brother up with some fried eggs, a hash brown casserole and some sweet apples, and the entire family porked out on brother-bacon.

    And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.

  26. jacord8

    First go at this, let see how it goes.

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I am working on a top secret project with NASA. I can’t tell you the details but as my Doctor, I can tell you it involves a powerful vacuum chamber”. I tell the doctor as I look around the room as if there may be someone eavesdropping on this top secret conversation.
    “A vacuum chamber, you say?” he asks looking at me over his glasses.
    “Yes, it is so powerful that any orifice on the body, other than those they have accounted for, could be detrimental to me and the project.” I start to dress, confident I will walk out of the office shot free. “In fact, I replaced the last test subject because he carelessly went and got a tattoo a few days before the test was to take place and …….well let’s just say it took weeks to clean him out of the vacuum tank.”
    The doctor’s jaw drops open in disbelief.
    “You mean to tell me he died?”
    “Yup, he sure did, he blow up, thanks to all those little hole on his arm in the shape of his girlfriend’s name. I guess it’s true what they say about a person being doomed when they ink their significant other’s name on themselves.” I chucked as I was finishing tying my shoes. “ And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  27. aikawah

    ‘You’re not going to believe this doctor…’ I say to his turned back. I’m sweating on the examination table, butterflies frolicking in my belly. He’s going to turn around and ask me to roll over, and then he’s going to pull down my pants. No, this is not a homoerotic nightmare; it’s the syringe in his hand I’m scared of; “…but I have a penicillin allergy.”

    It has to be penicillin he’s got in that wickedly sharp thing he’s tapping with a practised finger, after all my thumb is obviously infected. If I had not been dragged here by my mother I would never have come. If you ask me the swelling has been going down since yesterday. It’ll heal by itself I’m sure.

    ‘Penicillin gives me rashes’ I venture. Jesus, that is so weak. ‘And… and diarrhoea, it makes me vomit doctor. Just give me a painkiller, this thing is already getting better.’

    He ignores me, the determination in his squared shoulders obvious. He does not intend to indulge a cowardly fourteen year old in his aichmophobic fantasies. The butterflies in my stomach have morphed into roiling snakes and my bowels feel loose with terror. If the snakes choose to leave it will be a quick smooth exit.

    ‘I might die of pseudomembranous colitis if you give me that injection.’

    He laughs now, his white coat shaking with mirth as he turns around.

    ‘That’s a nice one’ he says speaking for the first tme. ‘You better pray you don’t end up with it because it’ll mean many more injections for you. Son, this has to be done, please turn around.’

    The needle is extra long, it’ll probably turn corners in my bottom, looking for nerves and grating them just for fun. The doctor has rolled me over now, his hand pulling down my shorts despite my feeble struggle to keep them on.

    ‘Unclench’ he orders. I keep my eyes closed and the muscle hard as rock. ‘Son, you don’t want me to get your mother, do you?’

    That does it, I surrender. He is poised to harpoon me and I’m waiting for the pain. I will probably scream when I feel the prick, I always do. It embarasses my mom to no end. It takes a small eternity for me to realize that he has put the needle down. He’s on his way to the door, calling my mom. They’re back, over my prone self, looking at something. There is fear in my mother’s eyes. He touches something, prods it. And it hurts more than a hundred needles. My mother rushes to hold my head and smother my screams. The doctor pulls up my shorts.

    ‘We’ll have to find out what sort of growth it is’ he’s telling my mom. She’s holding me tight, tighter than all previous hospital visits. ‘If it’s cancerous, he might need surgery.’ He detaches the needle from the syringe and tosses it into the trash. Relief.

    ‘I told you doctor, penicillin allergy’ I announce triumphantly. And in the little cubicle, the three of us struggle to laugh at my joke.

    1. wilson hara

      Aikawah, I have been missing your stories. This was sad, hopefully they’ve caught it in time. I enjoyed this, and I felt for this boy, I’ m not afraid of needles but reading it from his point of view, and the great descriptions, ” turn corners…looking for nerves and grating them…”, has made me slightly more wary!

    2. Icabu

      Wonderful to read your work again. Love the boy’s desperation then the heart tug when revealing that there are things worse than the a needle in the butt and that his relief will be brief.

  28. gettingitwrite

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I have a dentist appointment right after this and if they have to get me numb, I will need laughing gas. My co-worker just told me that getting a flu shot and going to the dentist in the same day, especially if you have to get laughing gas, causes Tourette’s. Even if you get them both in the same week. And I believe her because she has Tourette’s and she said that was how she got it. Sometimes she’ll fly off the handle in front of customers and it’s totally out of her control. She tried taking her case to court since it was definitely a result of the flu shot, but she had an awful lawyer and they lost. I heard that’s why my boss keeps letting her stay- he feels bad because he recommended the lawyer. Anyway, one person at the office with Tourette’s is bad enough. I don’t think we need another. And that’s why I can’t get my flu shot today.”

  29. marniejade_99

    I was at my doctor’s office when he suggested that I get my annual flu shot. I looked at him in horror because I knew what they were putting in those flu shots, and there was no way in hell I was going to let him inject it in me! I took a deep breath and said, “You know doc, you’re not going to believe this, but I can’t get a flu shot today because I know what you’re trying to do to the population by giving us these shots! You see, I was watching the Discovery Channel one night and they had this show on about technological advancements. In the show they talked about nanomite technology and how scientists have created these little creatures that can do all kinds of things. So I wanted to know more and I went on Google and searched nanomite technology and got over 100,000 hits! The stuff that I read doc would blow your mind, but then again you know exactly what they are up to. I found this blog that talked about nanomites being sent to earth by aliens because they had created them and then the little critters developed a mind of their own and started devouring everything on their planet. So, in order to save themselves these aliens “gifted” the little monsters to us earthlings! But here’s the kicker, they didn’t tells us exactly what nanomites were or what they were really capable of. This blogger really seems to know what he’s talking about because he had all of these pictures, and footage of nanomites in action. And he had these documents that were taken from a science lab that outlined the diabolic plans that scientists were planning on doing with them! Apparently these scientists are teaming up with Big Brother, whose a real person who know, this guy found him, and even has this picture of him. He’s this crazy looking dude who has all these wires and stuff coming out of him. Totally crazy right! Well this guy has proof that Big Brother is watching us all the time, and now with these nanomites, Big Brother is able to monitor us all the more! This guys has proof that Big Brother and doctors entered into an agreement to inject these little buggers into the entire human race so they can track us and ultimately control our minds! My mind was totally blown when I found out that they want to infect all of us with these little robots! I mean that is some scary stuff man! I’ve been losing so much sleep over this! I’m always worrying and now I’ve become down right sad! It’s just so unbelievable that Big Brother is real, these nanomite things are real, and how they want to control our minds. I’ve even started taking steps to fortify my house in preparation for the inevitable invasion of nanomites! So I know what you’re up to doc, and there is no way I’m going to let you inject me with my “flu” shot that is actually the delivery system devised to infect all of us so you can control our minds! So that doc is why I can’t get my flu shot today!” The doctor looked at me in awe, took out his pad and wrote me a prescription for Prozac.

  30. handyman43127

    “You’r not going to believe this, but, you better sit down Doc,” George said to his new doctor, when he strongly suggested that George receive a flu shot for the new strain of flu that has been sweeping the nation at alarming rates.

    “Can I call you Doc, it really feels comfortable to me?” George anxiously asked with sweat beginning to form on his brow.

    “Whatever feels comfortable to you George,” the doctor replied. “Now what seems to be the problem, it’s only a flu shot, not to much discomfort involved?”

    “Twenty years now,” said George, “that’s how long it’s been.” I had just finished tech school for the new job I would be doing for the Air Force. I was approached by an officer and asked to take part in a top secret experiment that involved a substance called Ratithore. Because of the nature of the mission I would be given information on a need to know basis only, but what I did know was that the drug had been around the 1900’s, and that it was found to be dangerous when used as medication because it contained Radium.

    The military said they had found a way to safely use it to cure cancer, and that if I would, well be their genie- pig, that I would be doing a great service to mankind and be as famous a John Glen.

    Anyway Doc it wasn’t the new genetic manipulation of Ratithore they were testing, but instead the cure for the symptoms they were looking for, and neither had anything to do with cancer, I later found out.

    I am now the only living test subject for their monstrous plot, the counsel of twelve, who will rule the world, only allowed me to live to be the living laboratory for the study of the long term effects.

    Later I found that any heavy metal coming into contact with the skin can be absorbed into the body, and that includes needles. This causes death within twenty four hours if not treated with the antidote. They have a substance that they disburse through commonly used products, that causes a gene silently waiting to awaken, and destroy the host. I think they used my toothpaste!

    “We are all infected!” screamed George, “all of us!”

    “What do you have, is that a file on me, they have gotten to you haven’t they?” George shouted. “What have they done now, implanted a thought tracking device in my head?”

    “Doc don’t believe them, anyone that decides to fight back against them will be destroyed, what weapons do not contain metal?” George frantically declares.

    “I know what you think, I know what the file says, I do not suffer from Schizophrenia, and have never been hospitalized for it,” George says sarcastically. “They hid me on a secrete island invisible to the eye for five years.”

    Highly agitated George runs from the office screaming, ” and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today!”

  31. Fedoraman94

    You’re not going to believe this, doc, but I have to tell you so you understand my dilemma with needles and shots. When I was seven I was walking down the street to go to the circus when all of a sudden a street performer walks up to me juggling knives and asked me for money. I said I didn’t have any and he got angry. He dropped the knives and started walking towards me with his hands out in front of him like he was going to grab me. I ran away, but he followed me throwing knives in my direction. Thankfully he was a bad shot or else I would’ve been a goner.
    I ran down the street into an alley and into a large man who looked like he was three hundred pounds and was carrying a baseball bat. He told me to go inside and talk to Fat Tony because Tony was waiting for me. I didn’t know anyone named Tony so I tried to run away. After only three steps the large man had grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me back. He lifted me up, opened up a door, and threw me inside. I fell to the floor and when I tried to get up I was met with the barrel of a gun. “Get up,” said a man with a deep Russian accent. I did as he asked and he told me he had a job for me: I was supposed to go to the circus and get him cotton candy. If I did, he would give me money. If I didn’t he would tell my parents on me.
    I ran to the circus as fast as my little legs would carry me and asked the man at the ticket booth if I could have some cotton candy. He said no and gave me a box and told me to give it to Tony. I ran back to Tony and gave him the box. Bewildered, Tony opened the box and removed its contents: cotton candy and a bag of cookies.
    Tony gave me a pat on the back and the big guy outside pushed me outside with his baseball bat, hitting me as I walked away. Upon walking into my house I was attacked by my dog and he bit my leg. My leg hurt a lot and after I got the dog off of me I put some ice on it. It started to swell a lot and my mouth started foaming. My mom walked in the room and screamed that I had rabies.
    She took me to the vet and he gave me six or seven really painful shots in my neck to get rid of the rabies. It didn’t work, but after a few weeks I was fine, except for the pain in my neck.
    That was a really scary day and shots remind me of it and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today. Maybe later.

  32. catbr

    Really love coming to the doctor’s office for a check up. How embarrassing, having to put on that drafty paper gown that would rip in two if you happened to move the wrong way with it stuck under your ass. And then when you get there you have a bunch of questions you want answered but are so nervous in your lovely gown that you can’t remember one thing when you see the doctor. Elizabeth was thinking about all of these things, working up her usual “Fuck I hate being here. Let’s just get this over with.” attitude, when in popped the doctor.

    “Good morning Elizabeth. How are we today?” said Dr. Gordon with his boring attitude. Why the hell do medical people always say ‘we’ like they’re talking to a moron.

    “We are fine today. I mean I’m fine today. Heh, heh. And how are you’s today, I mean you?” Elizabeth felt like crawling into a hole. Beads of sweat were starting to form on her forehead.

    “Oh I’m just great today. Do you have any concerns before we start your check up?”

    “No, none at all. I’m fine.” There it was again. Total ‘white coat’ amnesia.

    “I almost forgot. This is the beginning of flu season and we’re recommending the flu shot to everybody so are you ready to get yours?” Dr. Gordon stood at the counter looking through the little vials waiting for an answer. Elizabeth wasn’t ready for this. She hated getting needles and was afraid of the bad rap the flu shot was getting in the news.

    “Dr. Gordon you’re not going to believe this but my cat is allergic to the smell of any kind of needle that I might get. I think it’s because of the smell of the alcohol that you have to rub on my skin before getting the needle. Yeah it makes her break out in these little bumps. And then they get really itchy and you know cats when they get itchy they just scratch and scratch. And then her skin breaks and she ends up getting infected and has to get medicine for it. You know how expensive it is to take your pet to the vet. And that’s why I can’t get the flu shot.” Elizabeth didn’t think the doctor was going to believe that story, but she didn’t care. There was no way he was going to ram that needle into her arm.

    “Is that right? Never heard that one before. Why don’t you just wash your arm off really good with soap and water before you go home? So shall we proceed?” Dam he was good. She didn’t know what to say.

    “I don’t know doc, a cat’s sense of smell is very sensitive. So I think I’m going to pass anyway. I don’t want to take a chance on her getting even a little bit sick.” So why don’t you get yours and leave me the hell alone she thought to herself. Finally the doctor gave up trying to convince Elizabeth to get the shot as he rolled his eyes and put the small vial of the flu vaccine back on the counter. She was relieved at that but then all of a sudden, there was a dull ripping sound…

  33. iyunna

    “You’re not going to believe this, but did you know our lovely government is single handedly behind one of the greatest illegal drug pandemics around?” Proudly I lifted my chin, awed by my wealth of knowledge and insider informations blind to the commoner.

    Unperturbed by my revelation, he turned and carried on with his objective.

    “And just who concocted this zombie serum and named it this here flu shot?” I demanded. “All a plot for government control” I nodded in agreement with myself, “you inject that thing into me and I’m on tonight’s news headliner as the naked zombie gone wild”

    He reached for a square alcohol package and my palms begin to sweat.

    The sound of the rip opening the swab encouraged me to carry on, “I know what you do,” Pointing a finger accusatorily would have definitely been over the top for me, although I thought maybe it would enhance my acting skills… or maybe not. ”you are in cahoots with them, you align yourself among them.”

    He reached for the stool on wheels, needle and swab in hand. His expression read he would not be redirected. I had to convince him I knew, that I would reveal their intent. I had to tell him that I knew his objective. It was a sacrifice I had to make to save my life.

    “Operation paper clip.” I confirmed.

    A chuckle escaped and caught the doctor off guard, he had a look of shock, then anger that he’d allow a patient to dismantle his façade. He quickly regained his poise and he was in control again as he stooped to sit on the stool.

    “Everyone should have the shot, you know this. Why must we go through the same thing every year?” sounding like the father at the limit with their whining toddler. “I’ve had the shot myself” the doctor encouraged, rolling towards me.

    “So you say!” Instantly cut off by my doubt. “You come here and let me shoot you!” I urged, motioning him my way as encouragement.

    “I will not! I am a licensed physician, not a patient of yours.” He affirmed, followed by a low “ Thank God.”

    “I will not be a guinea pig for governmental experiments of mass biological warfare disguised as cures. This is just another CIA tactic for mind control, just like LSD. I will take my chances. If I take that shot, I will wake up an overnight crack head. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  34. lhollowell

    “You’re not going to believe this, but…” I started.

    Dr. Jerrigan laid the needle with the flu vaccine on the counter, then exhaled loudly. He looked down at me over his wire-framed glasses, bushy left eyebrow raised. The man had one of those faces that made it seem like he had been destined to be a doctor, with soft, calming brown eyes and lips curled up slightly in an almost perpetual smile. However, he was not smiling at the moment.

    I hurried on. “Yeah, I know. But it’s different this time. Really,” I added, shifting on the examination table, which gave a rubbery creeeakkk as if I had somehow annoyed it.

    “Ronnie, you do this every year,” Dr. Jerrigan said. “You hate getting shots and you’ve always got some silly reason why you shouldn’t get one.” He leaned against the counter, arms folded. “What is it this time? Did hyenas eat your laptop? Again?”

    “Let me explain,” I yammered. “Remember I told you that Angie and I were going on vacation?” Dr. Jerrigan nodded. He left the counter and settled down into the adjoining chair, crossing his legs. He looked up at me as if to say, Give it your best shot.

    I licked my lips. “Well, while we were out of town, I went to a pawn shop – I always check them out when I’m in a new town, ‘cause you never know what you might find – and found this ring,” I said, taking it out of my pocket.

    Dr. Jerrigan leaned forward and gave the ring a indifferent glance. “Okay,” he said. “And?”

    The ring was nothing special to look at: a stainless steel band just under a half-inch wide, with a black serpentine inlay circling between the ridges on both sides. I put it back in my pocket. “Well, like I said, I got this ring from that pawn shop, and I put it on. Didn’t think anything more about it.” I tried to bore into Dr. Jerrigan’s eyes with my gaze, but it was like staring down a stuffed animal. “Then things changed.”

    “Okay, Ronnie,” he said, “I’ll bite. What things?”

    “Well, at dinner that night, I had steak.”

    The doctor’s lips compressed into a thin line, and he slowly closed and opened his eyes.

    I went on. “Like I said, I had steak. Angie told me a joke while I was cutting it, and I started laughing and accidentally stabbed the steak knife into the back of my left hand.”

    Dr. Jerrigan stood up, and took my left hand in his. “I don’t see any scar.”

    “That’s right,” I said. “Since I put the ring on, steel can no longer pierce my skin.” I watched both his eyebrows raise. “Yeah, I know. But it’s true.” Before he could react, I took the needle from the counter and jabbed it into my arm. And watched his awed expression as the needle bent like a paper clip.

    “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  35. Deannawrites

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I have this, like, mega history project that’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t even started it, and it involves time travel.” Time travel? Where the hell did I come up with that?

    Dr. Chensky sharply raises one eyebrow, and the corner of his lips turn up. “I thought you were more responsible than that, Chelsea.”

    My gaze sinks to the floor. I do in fact have this big project my Medieval History professor doled out at the start of the semester, but it’s not due for another month and a half. Thanfully it doesn’t involve time travel, because I sure as heck wouldn’t want to experience life in twelfth-century France. I just don’t want to have a flu shot. Needles terrify me.

    “I am responsible. It’s just…it’s just…”

    “Just what, Chelsea?”

    “I’m human, like everyone else. I make mistakes too.”

    Dr. Chensky chuckles.

    “Please, Dr. Chensky, I just came for a check-up. I’m not sick; I don’t feel anything coming on. I just need to know that my body is still functioning well, that’s all.” I’m literally close to kneeling on the floor, tears pricking my eyes. Yet he stands there; arms folded tightly across his chest, flashing me a pinched grin.

    “It takes only one minute,” he says, sounding slightly exasperated.

    “Precisely,” I almost shriek. “I don’t have one minute to spare because I have to start this project, like now. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  36. Christian Enriquez

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I can’t get a flu shot.” It was a new doctor. New country, new city, new people, and new everything. The only thing that was the same was me…and my problem.
    “Why not?” asked Dr. Carmin. The only reason I knew his name is because I was in the waiting room for 25 minutes staring at the sign that said “Dr. Carmin D.O.”
    “It’s a long story,” I replied, “my mom died from a bad blood transfusion when I was eight and she died. I haven’t had a shot since.”
    He knew. He knew there was no way. Why couldn’t I have said last year, or even five years ago. What the hell is wrong with me. I got too comfortable. I got rusty.
    He said, “Nothing’s gonna go wrong. Do you see the picture of the healthy heart on the wall?” I turned my head. I felt him grab my arm. “He would not,” I thought to myself. Then I heard it. The crisp snap of a needle. Eye-contact was a one-way street. Why did he have to do that? Staring at the floor while he stared at me. This is what it seemed like more than ever. Supposed to be helping people. I can’t trust this quack. He didn’t even listen when I said that I couldn’t get a flu shot! I didn’t want to. Not again. Not even settled in yet. Still unpacking! Again with a new everything. I sighed…looked at him…covered his mouth and snapped his neck.
    Superhero my ass.

  37. WordPlay32

    You’re not going to believe this, but that needle will kill me!
    It was a cold wintry night. I was snuggled on the couch by the fire, with a warm mug of cocoa. There was a knock at the door.
    I was wondering who could possibly be outside in this blizzard, so I rose from my cocoon of blankets and went to answer the door. It was my father, whom I hadn’t seen in over twenty-two years.
    My memories came rushing back. He was a drunk and a liar, who was the worst example of a father there could possibly be, hiring strippers to babysit me while he went to drink or get high. Missing every single special moment in my life. My high school graduation, college acceptance at Yale, college graduation on the Dean’s list, even my wedding just last week. Now he interrupts my honeymoon.
    “What is it,” I snapped. He didn’t answer. He walked past me through the door, and dropped to his knees by the fire. Then rolled on his side.
    “If you think I’m going to put up your drunk–” but I stopped. There were two needles sticking out of him. One under his left shoulder blade, the other his right hip. “Dad?” I asked cautiously. I didn’t care about him anymore, but I wasn’t going to have him die in my and my wife’s new cabin.
    He just grunted in reply.
    I heard a rustling from upstairs. My new wife, Karen, was awake. “Honey?” she called. “Is someone here?”
    “It’s fine, dear,” I called. “No one important.”
    Despite my silent pleadings, she came down anyways. She stopped in the living room doorway, staring wide-eyed at my collapsed and now silent father.
    “My god, is he–”
    “He’s fine,” I said. “But I guess it’s time you met my father. This is Doug.”
    Her eyes just got wider as she stared. She moved closer to him, and bent down to check his pulse.
    “Don’t bother,” I started, “He’s just drunk.”
    She shook her head. “No, Dan, he doesn’t have a pulse!”
    ‘Damn,’ I thought.
    I moved towards my new wife, standing over my dead father. Then he moved. He pulled the needle out of his side and rammed it into my shoulder, howling in pain. I fell back, shocked. Karen said he had no pulse. That he was dead. Then I thought of Karen’s dad, who had such low blood pressure, you couldn’t feel his pulse at all.
    I was sitting on the floor, trying to pry the needle that was now wedged into the side of my shoulder blade. and I watched my wife dump my hot cocoa into his face. He screamed, falling back, landing in the roaring fireplace. His clothes were quick to catch fire. He screamed and flailed and ran towards the door, and I managed to slam it shut and throw the deadbolt as he dove into a snowbank.
    “What the hell was that?” Karen screeched
    “I have no idea,” I said. “But you should get me a band-aid.”
    Now my therapist says that just seeing needles will raise my blood pressure and make vessels in my nose burst open and gush blood, my skin breaks out in nervous hives, and I have a heightened risk of a heart attack. And THAT is why I can’t get a flu shot today.

  38. laurentravian

    You’re not going to believe this, but I journeyed back in time last week. No no no, don’t call the nurse and take me to the psychiatric ward! I’m serious! I went back to the age of King Henry the VII. Yeah, the really fat guy’s dad. Put down the phone doc, and listen! Okay. So I went back in time, and was a fair beauteous maiden. No no no! Don’t grab that phone! I was a teenager! Okay, that apparently doesn’t help… so I quickly ingratiated myself, okay? And I caught a cold. But it was nothing compared to Prince Arthur’s sickness, which I cured. Yes doctor, I know I have no medical training, but they were making it worse. So I eventually cured him, and was married to Henry the Eighth as a reward. But then Arthur died, and Henry was pressured to marry his widow. Well, he didn’t, because he was already married to me. And I was at an age so that he was a year older than me. Now that I think about it, Arthur’s death was actually very important. But he was murdered, can you believe it? Eventually, the evidence came out against me. I had been framed! No no no, doctor, I am not suffering from a mental illness. Sit down! I set out to clear my name, and found the real killer, Charles Brandon! He was hanged, and that night, the king died, and Henry became king. And I was his queen!!! Of course, my sister in law, Catherine, was treated with the utmost respect. And she was such a nice girl. But Henry cheated on me with her! I felt so betrayed! No no no, doctor, I DON’T have clinical depression! Argh! Stop interrupting! Anyway, I confronted Henry, and lost my head. I was then transported back here, whole. Since then, I’ve become immune to most diseases, though I sometimes feel lightheaded. Shots are unnecessary. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.

  39. ScottP

    You’re not going to believe this, but it is physically impossible for me to get a flu shot. Actually, it’s impossible for to get any sort of shot. See, last week I was driving through Texas on my way home from the big Southwest Regional Chili Cookoff when it happened.

    The chili I ate was starting to disagree with me, but I had to get home for an important business meeting and time was not on my side. Tummy rumbling, I sped westward into the late afternoon sun when, out of nowhere, came this sound. It sounded like the unholy mixture of a flute banging pots together in a tuba while underwater. Wondering if maybe something was wrong with my car, I pulled over to check it out.

    When I got out of my car, to check the engine the sky darkened. I looked up to see no less than a hundred crows flying toward me. I ducked down and closed my eyes while the crows swooped down over me. The rush of air from their wings and constant cawing was terrifying. I didn’t even chance opening my eyes until it was all quiet and when I did, I saw every crow was standing on my car intently looking at me.

    For a minute I just stood there. It was a staring contest. Me against one hundred twitchy little black feathered heads in the middle of the wide open nothing of west Texas. Then I felt a shift. It felt like the heaviness and rumbling in my stomach had moved to my head. I looked at the crows like they would tell me what was happening. They all looked straight down as if they couldn’t look at me and everything went dark.

    When I came to, it was late at night. I couldn’t see anything. I could only smell and taste a mixture of dirt, oil and rubber and hear the occasional car race down the highway . I realized I was laying face down on the ground next to the road. I felt a presence on my left side and looked over to see a coyote sniffing at me. We made eye contact which seemed to surprise us both. Instinctively he ran off and I curled into a fetal position which I’ve never done before.

    Since that trip my eyesight has gotten progressively worse and my skin is dry and starting to get tough. It’s like armor! Doc, I don’t know what happened to me out there, but I think I’m turning into an armadillo!

    And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.

  40. Morgan Le Fables

    “You’re not going to believe this but for the longest time I thought you were one of them.”

    Shifting around on the only hospital bed in the tiny sterile room, I ignored the twin unfriendly stares of the doctor and nurse looming over me. “You know you can never be too sure Doc,” I jutted a chin towards the nurse shrouded in a blue face mask, “what with those masks they wear all the time.”

    “Miss Rawson,” the tired voice of the ship’s doctor addressed me, “you know that according to the UN Health Treaty of …”

    “Blah, blah, yadda yadda.” I chattered over him, “I know damn well what I signed.” Irritation dripped from my voice as I slid further away from the vaccination shot he held.

    “Well then you know that all flight passengers must have regular check ups for the flights duration, including” he paused as he waved the needle in front of me, “vaccines, fitness assessments…”

    I barked out a laugh, the sound reverberating around the room. “Passengers? That’s what you’re calling us now?” I flopped my head back and stared up at the plain white ceiling, briefly wondering where all the bright light in this room came from. “I can’t get a flu shot today, Doc. Or ever in fact.” I turned my head to give the nurse a hard look but continued to speak to the doctor. “You will not turn me into one of them.”

    “Miss Rawson,” I rotated my head to catch him rolling his eyes at me. “This flu shot will not turn you into an alien. Besides,” his eyes grew anxious as he flitted them at the nurse opposite, “you were given a choice and you choose this assignment. We made it very clear to you at the time that …”

    The doctor startled back as I yanked at the ties binding me to the bed, hauling myself up as close to him as I could, baring my teeth as my voice burned with anger. “How the hell do I know that shot won’t change my DNA? I’ve heard the rumours back on earth.” I pulled harder at my binds, but the iron-like grip of the nurse reached out and pinned my shoulders down. At her touch I completely lost it. “You people can’t just go injecting us with all kinds of Alien DNA!” I shouted in a panic, “I’m not a criminal. I shouldn’t be here!”

    “We mean humanity no harm.” The nurse spoke with a soothing alto, her voice cutting me off mid-rant as I caught my breath. Releasing my shoulders as I began to still, she reached up and pulled down her face mask. The smooth expanse of skin, where a mouth should have been, was unsettling. It felt surreal to watch the alien being speak, yet see no clear outlet for the sound reaching my ears. “The Sentinels only want what is best for humanity. We have offered you advancements in medicine and in return your people have offered us labour.”

    “Offered?” Incredulous I shook my bindings in frustration. “Does this look like I offered to go up in this damn spaceship!?”

    I turned away in disgust, the fight draining from me as I addressed no-one in particular, “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

    Authors Note : A bit of sci-fi for this weeks prompt. The setting for this story grew out of an idea my sister gave me. I mentioned that I had no ideas for a unique story twist on doctors visits. And she suggested ‘why not write a story about a cricket team on a spaceship’. Nope, I have no idea where that came from either. However, I did like the spaceship part. :)

  41. Jes

    “You’re not going to believe this, but … ” As the words flew from my lips, my mind took a time out just long enough to be distracted by the heavy bass beat of my thudding heart. At thirty-eight years old, with a beard that would put to shame some of the founding fathers, I was afraid of needles. It was a fear that I had successfully hidden from almost everyone and as I looked at the face of Dr. Jones, I knew it was a fear that I could not publicize now.
    I was digging up a lie from somewhere deep inside when there was a quite but rapid knock at the door that brought me back to the heavily wall papered examination room. An older nurse barely pushing five feet cracked the door just enough to stick in her face and slightly blue tinted hair.
    “Excuse me Dr. Jones, I am so sorry Sir, but can you step outside for a moment?” Dr. Jones nodded a quiet yes, but his facial expression seemed pained. He wasn’t the most pleasant man and seemed to not like surprises, or at least not to like appointment interruptions.
    “Charles, I am sorry for the inconvenience. I will be back as soon as possible.” The Dr. swiftly stood up from his backless stool and walked briskly out the door leaving behind him the scheming mind of a man scared of a simple syringe. As seconds ticked by, each one louder than the last, my anxiety grew and manifested itself into little piles of paper torn from the sheet that was meant to protect the examination table.
    I’d just about decided to leave without explanation, and with no preventative flu shot, when the door opened and in waltzed the doctor once more. I knew that this was my chance to talk my way out of the sharp pointed spike that was determined to penetrate my arm. In a split second I decided to go with one of my go to excuses. I had the speech prepared and was poised to give a convincing soliloquy when the Dr. looked at me with concern.
    “Charles, I’m sorry but it seems like we’ll have to schedule you another appointment for another time.” Those words stopped everything around me and I intently waited for him to continue. “It seems the flu is making its rounds quickly this year and we were a little underprepared.” Hope begins to build now and I realize I am holding my breath. “We’re out of the flu vaccine and the next shipment won’t be in until after next week.”
    As I left the examination room and parted ways with the doctor I decided to test my luck and walked right pass the front desk and my chance to reschedule for another day. I was feeling a little lucky and I decided to take my chances and see who would catch me first, if at all, the needle or the bug?
    I open the door to my car and smile as I over hear another free man’s explanation of his exoneration from the stick. I turn in time to see the little one thirty year’s my junior exclaim, “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  42. wilson hara

    “Well, you’re in excellent health, Lucy. How’s school?”

    “Good, thanks.”

    “Exams soon… Studying hard?”


    “Right. We’re done…actually Lucy, since you’re here, I might as well give you a flu shot.”

    “Oh! Doctor Bointon? I don’t need a flu shot. Thank you.”

    I walk towards the door.

    “Why not?”

    “I like flu. Good day.”

    “Sit down Lucy. I’ll go consult with your mum.”

    “Wait! Doctor Bointon… You’re not going to believe this but…”

    “Let me guess…your mother has been abducted by aliens?”

    “No. That would be silly. Ahahaha! No but really, the other day I was walking down the high street, it was cold and raining and I was just thinking to myself ‘ Lucy, you nitwit, you should have worn your wellies, you’ll catch your death,’ when suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder BOOM! Like that and…”

    “Lucy, is this going somewhere?”

    “Yes. Bear with me….God spoke to me, Doctor Bointon! ‘ Lucy,’ He said, ‘dear child, with the power invested in me I proclaim you flu free for the rest of your life, Amen. Go forth and tell Bointon. Over and out.’

    “Did He mention how it’s a sin to tell porkies?”

    “A miracle! Do you believe in miracles, Doctor Bointon?”

    “Not really.”

    “If I perform one right now, will you believe me?”



    I remove my shoes and socks and spread my toes.

    “See how far I can spread my toes! A miracle I say. I can pick things up too, want me to demonstrate?”

    I grab his pen and throw it on the floor.

    “Thank you Lucy. What you’re demonstrating is strong intrinsic muscles, not a miracle as such. May I have my pen back?”

    I foot it to him.

    “I’ll go get your mother.”

    “IS THAT THE AIR RAID SIREN I HEAR?! Quick doctor, save yourself.”

    “That’s the church bell. Lucy it’s five o’clock and I’m a little tired now. Stay here.”

    He leaves the room, and frantically I search for a hiding place. Just in time I stuff myself into a closet. It has a lock.

    “Lucy! Are you in the closet?”

    I begin to pray…. please please help me, if You get me out of this I promise …when I notice that I’m not alone in the closet. I scream.


    “Lucy! What’s happening?”

    “I’m fine, false alarm. Mum? Can you please leave, I’ll come out and have the jab, promise.”

    She leaves and I unlock the door and step out. I bring the life sized inflatable doll I found with me.

    “Doctor Bointon, I have never met one before but I believe this is an inflatable doll, the dirty kind?”

    ” It’s …purely for research, Lucy.”

    “Hmmm… I”ll believe that if you”ll believe that God spoke to me and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

      1. ScottP

        I laughed out loud at God saying “Go forth and tell Bointon. Over and out.”

        I didn’t like the ending though. The story was fun and innocent, but the blow up doll changed that.

        1. rob akers

          Wilson, Nice story. I appreciate all the kind words you have spoken.

          The blow-up doll kind of threw me off too. I was reading with a 1940s time frame not modern times. Im not offended, just read it with a different mindset.

          keep smiling.

  43. rob akers

    A Captain Bill Rimes Story

    3 June 2011

    “I can’t do it Billy.” JoJo said.

    “What do you mean?”

    “The shot. I am done, never again. No more will I let them pump me full of whatever and destroy my body.”

    “JoJo, what are you talking about?”

    “I was listening to Coast to Coast AM last night. They were talking about how the government is using vaccines to drug us and to do their secret experiments. Do you believe that?”

    “No. Look they might be doing something or they might not. But what are you going to do? We are deploying tomorrow. It is a big deal to refuse a shot.”

    “You can let them put that crap in your body. But not me. I refuse and will let the chips fall where they may.”

    JoJo walked out of the line and started to leave the building. Bill ran his hand through his dark hair then ran to catch up.

    Bill yelled ahead. “Dude, wait.”

    JoJo turned and waited on Bill. Bill continued walking past JoJo and told him to follow.

    Bill went to the top floor of the Operations Building and into the women’s restroom. JoJo followed.

    “Chicken Bill, are we going to make love?”

    “No, but it is your lucky day. Give me your shot record.”

    JoJo handed the yellow cardstock paper over. Bill forged the record of the anthrax shot postdating it to a deployment three months earlier. Finally signing the initials FU, Bill handed over his shot record for JoJo to forge. Signing the initials BAR and handed back the document.

    “Now, I am going to lie and you’re going to swear to it, okay?”

    “Thanks my brother.”

    “Now, we need to turn this in before anyone wonders where we are.”

    “You Rock, Chicken Bill!”

  44. BNMack

    You’re not going to believe this, but I got a dog yesterday.

    I know. What does that have to do with my flu shot?

    Well, the dog is a rare breed of canis amphibia – which means, in 16th century Feudal Japan, it got mixed-bred with a salamander and can shapeshift at will.

    The lizard or the mythical beast? Both.

    Well, the dog bit me this morning and started foaming at the mouth. And so did my arm, so I thought, “Okay, I need to get this dog to a vet, cuz I paid eight hundred dollars—cash—and the aborigine man who sold it to me burst into flames, so—I can’t even get my deposit back. ” And since I already made my appointment this afternoon with you, Doc, I thought it best just to wait until I got here for you to look at my arm.

    I know it looks fine. I’m getting to that.

    So, I took my dog to the vet, and the vet looked him over and said, “Well, this dog’s got rabies. We’ll have to put him to sleep immediately.” So he went to get the sleeper shot, but he didn’t know that the canis amphibia understands English fluently. By the time he came back in, my dog jumped on the vet’s face and knocked him out cold.

    Just then, a team of ninja gangsters –yeah, “ninjangsters”—broke into the office. They were coming on behalf of their dark lord to collect the dog in return for a debt that the aborigine man owed him.

    By the way, I named the dog Muffler.

    Anyway, Muffler put the leash in my hand and pulled me through the window, where we climbed down the fire escape and raced away. I don’t have the best cardio, so Muffler hauled us into a coffee shop, and we hid with a bunch of furiously debating poetry students until the ninjangsters had gone. It was at this time I noticed that something weird was happening to the arm that Muffler had bit. It wasn’t foaming anymore—in fact, it wasn’t doing much of anything. It had turned completely black, like a piece of Christmas coal. One of the college students went to touch it, and it just dissolved right there and fell on the floor.

    It sucked. I was gonna have to clean that crap up.

    Before I could do anything, Muffler pulled me outside and got me alone in a nearby alley. Using an intricate level of telepathy, he told me he’d been contracted by a galactic government to observe human behavior, and the best way to do it was to put himself where he could get the best vantage point. Hence, biting my arm off.

    I thought, “Well, it would give him the best view,” and told him to go for it.

    And so my dog is now my arm. And my dog, he hates shots.

    And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.

  45. SSTWhig

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I might not have much longer to live,” I said.

    The doctor, perched on her tiny stool, gave me a hard stare over her bifocals.

    “Hmm, I see,” she said. “Then I should take some blood while you’re here so we can run a few tests.”

    She wheeled over to the examining table, opened the third drawer and pulled out a tray. Some gauze. Several syringes. That nasty mustard yellow tourniquet. More gauze. My stomach started rolling and my mouth watered. I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

    “Something wrong?” the doctor asked. “Are you feeling ill right now?”

    I swallowed and cleared my throat. This was not how I imagined things would go. I was supposed to walk in, drop my death bomb, and walk out. But I had forgotten that I was talking to a goddamned doctor, after all. And I had forgotten how hell-bent they were on fixing people. Especially the people who didn’t want any fixing.

    “No, no I’m fine,” I said.

    “I doubt that, based on what you just told me,” she said, chuckling.

    “I mean, I feel okay now but it won’t be that way for long. It’s just the early stages.”

    “Early stages of what?” she asked, opening the gauze package and lining cotton balls up on the metal stray beside the alcohol.

    “It’s a very rare condition, it’s genetic. I really don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

    “Fine, I understand. Then roll up your left sleeve.”

    I vomited a little in my mouth. The doctor wheeled over and sweat was already beading on my forehead. I was shaking. I envisioned myself now actually looking like someone dying of terminal illness. She wiped my shoulder clean and aimed the needle. Then I fell off the examining table.

    “Mr. Moultry! James! Can you hear me?” shouted the doctor.

    I opened my eyes to her penlight jabbing my pupils and saw I was hooked to wires and machines that beeped my existence. The left side of my head throbbed. Then a pretty young nurse with huge blue eyes and small tits sidled up to me, but she was just trying to find a vein in which to stab another horrible fluid-filled needle.

    “What happened?” I asked the nurse’s chest.

    “You passed out when I gave you the shot, and from what we can tell, you had some sort of seizure,” the doctor answered. “Has this happened before?”

    A seizure. Holy shit. My prayers answered. I swore to stop cursing. To stop chasing women. The pretty nurse paused her needle for my answer; her eyes got impossibly larger. I swear she smiled.

    “Yes, it’s happened before when I get shots. I tried to tell you. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot – or any other kind – today,” I said.

    1. JR MacBeth

      Liked it, but also a bit confused. Looked like he actually got the shot, it’s what made him have the seizure, right? Then the pretty nurse, ready to administer the shot…again? Still, enjoyed it, had some good lines.

  46. Karlie

    “You’re not going to believe this,” I said nervously, watching Dr. Chan prepare the needle. “but I can’t let you give me a shot.”
    The doctor shot a glance at me over his ancient glasses, his slanted eyes suspicious and skeptical. “Thees shot ees important,” he said in heavily accented English. “Keep you from geeting sick.”
    I swallowed, trying hard to conjure up a decent story. I was almost ashamed enough to man up and take it. I mean, a macho grown man, terrified of a needle?
    But the operative word here is almost.
    I started talking fast as he approached me with the syringe. “I know who you really are,” I blurted out, and he stopped, staring at me in confusion.
    I started gaining strength as I went on. “You don’t have me fooled for a minute,” I continued, injecting (oops, bad pun!) as much animosity in my tone as I could. “You eluded the FBI for so long you thought you were safe, didn’t you? Well, I’ll tell you something, Dr. Chan,” and I was really getting worked up now, “I won’t let you get away with murder. As one of the FBI’s top operatives, I was on to you from the moment I walked in.”
    As I was speaking, I was sliding off the table inch by inch, keeping a careful eye on the door.
    Dr. Chan looked shocked. “I tink you are delusional,” he said.
    Oh, my gosh. Was that an evil gleam creeping into his eyes?
    “Don’t come any closer!” I roared, baring my teeth at him. “I’m calling 911!”
    Before I could move, he’d barred the door with his body, going into a crouch. “I should’ve seen it,” he growled. “De police are vay too smart for their own good. Now I vill terminate you!”
    Oh, crap. This wasn’t in my script! Dr. Chan was really an evil agent?
    But before he could leap at me with the exposed needle, the door burst open, sending the evil Doc flying across the room.
    Five agents swarmed in, guns drawn and trigger fingers itchy.
    “Whoa!! I’m innocent. Don’t shoot!” I yelled, rolling underneath the table.
    I blinked, and suddenly the doctor stood before me, jaw almost hitting the floor.
    “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today,” I said calmly, and walked out.

  47. JWLaviguer

    “You’re not going to believe this, but I absolutely, positively, will not let you give me a flu shot today. I’ve seen a lot in my life, been through hell and back, but what happened to me this morning gives me a whole new outlook on life. You see, I woke up this morning, poured myself a cup of coffee, and opened a drawer for a spoon. There were no spoons in there, doc. There were only syringes. Oh, not your ordinary syringes. These were alien syringes. How do I know they were alien syringes? I’m glad you asked. Because they all said “Alien Syringes” on them. Then I got to thinking. Why did my ass hurt? I don’t remember falling on anything that would make my ass hurt, but it did, just the same. The next thing I know, this…thing…appears before me, and my head is ringing and aching, and it puts thoughts into my head. It told me it was sorry for leaving all those alien syringes in my spoon drawer, but that it had come back to retrieve them. Come back? I asked. And it told me that it wasn’t even supposed to be the one that came back to get them, because it had become very attracted to me after my anal probing. I couldn’t believe what this thing was telling me, but then it put like a video image in my head of what had transpired the night before. Apparently, “it” is a “she” and she had fallen in love with me. I told her I had no idea what was going on, but if she didn’t get out of here right now, well, I don’t know what I would do, or even if I could do anything, but then she pulled me close with her four arms and kissed me with one of her mouths. I don’t know what they call french kissing where she came from, but this was like no other french kiss I’ve ever had in my life. As it turns out, I’ve been on your planet for a long time, but an accident caused me to have amnesia, and her kiss brought everything home to me. So I’ll be leaving your boring little planet, doctor. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  48. slayerdan

    “They are coming to kill you Steven”, continued to bounce around in my head. I knew they wanted me dead. They talk when they think I am asleep. They plot. They scheme. Not so easy to just make a body disappear-they can’t cook me up on the pit like they did the guy in that movie and serve me for lunch.

    They would if they could though. And they would smile while they did it, laughing at my barbecued carcass. ”I hate you all”.

    This room was small. The metal table cold, even with this white paper under me. No windows. No way out. I should have ran when we got out of the car. The room spins every few seconds, and the dark shapes spin with it. “Poison,” the shapes say,” they are going to poison you till you are dead”.

    “Shut up, goddamnit shut up”, I said through clenched teeth. They stood, unwavering. Their faceless evil taunting me as they always did.

    Yet, I knew they were right. My time was near. I could hear them in the hallway, locking doors and sealing my escape. Planning which way to take my lifeless body out.

    The light in this room hurts my eyes. I’ve scratched my wrist open again and some blood drips out onto the floor. Surely their hounds will smell it, and bring me my death that much faster.

    My heart near bursts as the door opens and the lady claiming to be my mother and “the doctor” enter. She has my burial papers in her hand. She finally has managed to do it. She has found the man to help her kill me. He smiles a shiny, bright white smile. It does’nt match the darkness of his skin. He appears to be about my age.

    And he means to kill me.

    “Get out you stupid fool,” came the assault, my muscles freezing up and my breath now gone,’ don’t just sit there and die!!” they screamed at me over and over.

    “Steven’, the woman said, her voice quieting the shadows but for a moment,” this is Dr. White and he’s going to give you a flu shot.”

    I looked from her to the “doctor”. Dr. Mengele for all I knew, his eyes fixated on me, his bright teeth beacons of my death. “I am going to give you a flu shot now Steven,” he started, his voice becoming garbled as I heard him finish up with,” and the poisons will kill you shortly.”

    Jumping up onto the metal table, I pulled my shirt off and in a lame attempt at survival, waved it at them,” yelling the whole time,” you’re not going to believe this, but I am not going to let you kill me today!!” I felt the shadows laugh at my feeble attempt to live as I jumped past the doctor to the door.

    The woman screamed something at me, but listening to murderers was not in my plan. In panic I could see the door to the outside and ran for it.

    “ I am not going to let you people kill me with your poisons,” yelling as I ran,” and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today!”

  49. jenjane

    “You’re not going to believe this, but the past twenty years have been a hellish nightmare. It all began when I found a love letter post dated addressed to my mum, I knew going into the dingy room would change my life forever.  What followed was a trail of disasters one after another. My love life as a young adult was a roller coaster ride, lucky for me Rob finally convinced me to settle down, only after he robbed me of my linen pants and left me a red rose on the ceiling fan. Long story-I will tell you that one on  another visit. In my thirties I was fired from my job, I had been secretly drinking the odd Tia Maria from my hip flask, not realizing my boss had  noticed. Then I had to talk at my sons’ career day, I failed again, my confidence was shattered, courage never came from a bottle. Next came the Bingo Cheat drama, I staked out my grans bingo night in order to catch  out a geriatric Bingo thief, only to find my gran also has an oversized floral bag for her bingo booty. 
    So you see Doctor, my life is full of stories and I feel another coming on and I fear I will fail again, that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

  50. calicocat88

    The doctor walked through the heavy wooden door and that’s when the entire office imploded on itself…
    No…too cliché.
    The doctor strutted through the door, pushing aside the dreaded curtain and then his head spontaneously exploded sending his innards spewing—
    “Ms. Jones…” Doctor Heath walked through the door, snapping Clair out of her day dream and back to the reality that she was there. In a doctor’s office, yet again for another check-up. It was getting old—the waking up with terrible migraines every morning, having to lie to her mother that they were “just headaches” and nothing more. But that was just one of the lies she had been telling to placate the people who cared about her the most. If they really knew what was going on…
    “Doctor Heath,” She nodded. One of the dozens of pins decorating Dr. Heath’s lab coat caught her attention and she grimaced inwardly at the bright, obnoxious words splayed across the tiny square advertising the new super drug vaccine that had just been released for administration. The drug was being praised, the media blowing the damn thing out of proportion as it did every detrimental product being distributed throughout the United States.
    “I can’t believe I’m seeing you here again, Ms. Jones,” Dr. Heath was fixated on his clipboard and snapped his balding head up like one of those annoying slap bracelets. “Can’t stay away from me, can you?”
    Clair cleared her throat, not sure whether to smile, laugh, or call out sexual harassment. “I…uh…”
    “I’m just kidding,” he settled his clipboard down on the counter where he leaned his bony frame. “All joking aside,” he raised an eyebrow. “There was something in your results that, I’ll be honest with you, have me somewhat confused.”
    “Confused?” She doubted that. He knew damn well what she was. A Subliminal. The mind freaks of the world. And her brain betrayed her, as usual, to the one man that could bring her existence down along with the rest of the people like her. Dr. Heath was too high up in the system for his own good. But he couldn’t prove anything without her compliance.
    “You’re special, Ms. Jones,” his voice took on that irritating complimenting tone—the one people use when they’re trying to slither under your skin and take control by way of flattery. It wasn’t going to work this time. “We’ll need to do some more tests to figure out just how special—“Clair snarled inwardly and Dr. Heath noticed. “Now there’s nothing wrong with you,” He misunderstood it for fear. “You’re a perfectly healthy seventeen year old girl. But there is one thing I’d like for you to get…”
    Here it comes.
    “Flu season is coming soon and with this new vaccine you will be completely immune to not only different strains of flu, but you will find that your overall physical and mental health will be enhanced.”
    That’s what they wanted you to think.
    The Super Drug Vaccine supposedly made people impervious to disease and physical wear and tear. Even brain cells mutated and became more efficient. It was the end all, be all of anti-aging serums, body enhancers—you name it.
    Clair played with a loose strand of her hair. There was no way in Hades Dr. Heath was going to shoot her up with the vaccination from hell. She knew what it really was—liquid control. She would become just like any other normal human being once the vaccine was searing through her veins. It mutated normal humans—those that weren’t Subliminals. And Dr. Heath wanted her, an abnormal human, for his own devices. An instrument of destruction.
    He moved towards Clair in slow, snake-like movements, the syringe ready and aimed in his bony hand. “It will only be a little pinch.”
    The needle—a hair-thin knife, edging close and closer to her skin—was filled with the malicious blue liquid that would take her ability and use it for evil–change her into a mindless zombie. She hadn’t even learned how to use her mind powers yet , at least not completely, and he was going to abuse them, making her his little destructive barbie—
    “No, no! Wait!” she lifted her feet and hands, splaying them in front of her body, separating herself from the doctor and the needle.
    Dr. Heath frowned. “Is there a problem?”
    Damn straight there is.
    “You’re never going to believe this…” she gave a feeble laugh. “But I…can’t get that shot.” Dr. Heath raised an eyebrow. “You see…” she searched her brain for some decent explanation, but came up with dust.
    “Ms. Jones…why not?” he said. “Are you afraid of needles?”
    She pounded her brain for some source of a solution. “Yes…I guess…” And there it was. The tiny spark she had been waiting for. She felt the energy pulse through her brain like electrical tornados. Her blood was raging.
    And Dr. Heath was her target.
    She closed her eyes letting the familiar comforting blackness consume her thoughts, her body. It was like riding a wave—the building of the energy, the crashing surge spreading through her limbs and then the thunderous splash as force connected with body.
    Clair was vaguely aware of screams coming from inside the room and then feet rushing outside the hallway. Opening her eyes, Clair found Dr. Heath, or what was left of him crumpled on the floor. Without touching him, she had sucked his body from the inside, leaving him like a deflated vacuum bag.
    They would never know it was her. Where was the evidence? The fingerprints? Would the police really believe anyone who said that a teenage girl murdered a man with her brain? Not likely.
    Clair hopped down from the exam table; avoiding stepping on Dr. Heath’s flattened fingers. She lingered at the door, ignoring the frantic screams coming from the lobby—she’d clean up the mess later–and glanced back over her shoulder, “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

    1. ScottP

      I really liked the beginning (actually I liked the whole thing, but the beginning was really good). It set up the rest of the story nicely so that I couldn’t figure out of Clair’s special powers were real or if she was just nuts until the end.

  51. ENCWriter

    You’re not going to believe this, but one time when I was supposed to get a flu shot and was waiting to check in at this new doctor’s office, I saw somebody on the other side of the counter take out this humongous needle and, well, I kind of swooned and knocked everything off the counter, and a big paperweight fell down on my foot and broke my big toe and they had to rush me to the emergency room and while I was waiting to have my toe fixed, the person next to me sneezed all over me and gave me the flu, so I kind of think flu shots are bad luck, you know? Oh, turned out I had the wrong address and was at the vet’s office, but still…

  52. Miss Alex

    “You’re not going to believe this, but Doc… it’s just that… you see- uh … well-uh-I-
    “Yes?” said Doc.
    She hesitated for a moment, stretching her brain, trying to pull bullshit out of nowhere.
    “I’ve already had one!”
    The doctor raised his eyebrows and smiled at the lady. “Is this like the time you told me you couldn’t have a T.B. test done because of your hemorrhoids?”
    “No sir,’ she insisted.
    The doctor put his smile away, and responded with even sincerity: “The flu is bad this year, many cases, several of those being fatal. And from your charts I can see that you haven’t had one in five years. Plus, due to your age, you are a likely candidate for the flu. At your age, the flu is quite dangerous really. You could end up with pneumonia. I hope you don’t take offense to my last statement, but it is cause for concern ma’am.”
    “I see. Well it’s also Tuesday. Didn’t you know that it’s bad luck to get shots on Tuesdays?”
    That was worse than the first. Christ! He’s going to think I have dementia now. Good job Bernie! Way to go!
    “No ma’am I can’t say that I did. We can always wait until Friday. Are Fridays a good day to have flu shots Miss Bernie?”
    “Well, let me start off by saying that I heard on the television that flu shots could spread an infection that makes you have to pee a lot. And see Doc- I-uh… I already have to pee so much that I cannot get anything accomplished in a day. So you see I just can’t take a risk like that, I am sorry. And so you see, that’s just another reason why I can’t have my flu shot today!”

  53. Icabu

    “You’re not going to believe this, but …” Tess couldn’t repress the shudder than ran through her nerves at the very thought of a needle piercing her skin and liquid shoved into the muscle of her arm – or worse yet, her ass. Who in the world thought up these tortures? There had to be a better way to be vaccinated. Certainly the flu couldn’t be worse than invading her body with sharp instruments of pain.

    She blinked out of her thoughts when the doctor cleared his throat, loudly.

    “Uh … my wedding,” Tess declared. “My dress is sleeveless. I can’t have a red mark and lump on my arm.” She smiled as sweetly as she could. “It’s going to be such a special day.”

    “Well,” Dr. Barclay said with a disbelieving smirk on his face, “I could use an alternate site.”

    Tess’s eyes widened in horror. “No!” She swallowed hard, gulping through her constricted throat. “I mean,” she restarted, “the honeymoon. You can’t do that.” Her glute muscles tightened automatically at the imagined invasion.

    With her hands knotting in her lap, Tess stared into Dr. Barclay’s narrowed eyes. He’d said she was in perfect health just minutes ago. Why mess with perfection?

    “Riley was in earlier today,” Dr. Barclay said. “He got the flu shot, didn’t even flinch. Said he didn’t want to take any chances on missing your big day.”

    Tess stiffened. A conspiracy between her soon-to-be husband and their doctor. Not fair.

    “You said I was in perfect health.” Tess cleared her throat to get the whiny pitch out of her voice. “I’m not taking any chances.”

    “I’d really like for you to get this shot, Tess. It’s a good precaution,” Dr. Barclay lectured.

    Damn him! She felt the well of tears in her eyes and blinked rapidly to keep them in check. She took a deep, calming breath and let it out slowly.

    “Doc, I can’t,” Tess said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t jinx the wedding. We’ve been through too much – Riley and me, to finally get to the big day.” A tear slipped out, but Tess ignored it. “Sticking a needle in me …” She shuddered again. “And shoving stuff in me …” She closed her eyes briefly to calm the terror the mere thoughts conjured. “Can’t … and that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.” She shook her head to enforce her negative answer as more tears threatened to spill out.

    “Tess,” said Dr. Barclay.

    Wiping her tears away, Tess hands dropped to her lap, where they knotted again. She saw that Dr. Barclay’s face had softened.

    “I still want you to get the shot,” he said, “but I’ll grant you a stay.”

    “After the wedding,” said Tess, hope springing in her voice.

    Dr. Barclay nodded.

    “And the honeymoon,” Tess added.

    “Of course,” he said, smiling.

    Sitting in her car, Tess smiled. Then she sneezed. Twice.

    1. aikawah

      Yep, the ending rocked. This honeymoon may not turn out as pleasant as she had hoped. This would make a great scene in an apocalyptic ‘flu-virus-mutation-wipes-out-the-earth’ sort of story.

      “You may kiss the bride” will be ominous when the priest says it at the wedding.

  54. mokingjay

    So I’m a 14 year old, I’m still getting used to this type of short writing, and I love feedback.

    “You’re not going to believe this, but please hear me through. I was born on an island, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The Island has no western name, and is unknown to most of the civilized world. My father was sailing on a cargo-ship, when he was hit by a Tsunami. Luckily it was so far off shore that it was never recorded. Well my father was the only one who survived. He floated on a piece of drift wood for a week before a dolphin took him to this island. (I won’t give it’s name) Well, he met my mother on this island, they got married and lived together for about five years very happily.

    “Now my mother was the daughter of an old sage on this island, and was gifted in prophecy and medicine. She spent many nights dealing with spirits, both good and evil. One night, when she was pregnant with me, and evil spirit took over her, and was about to kill us both. Thankfully, a kind spirit came to her aid. But the spirit had left its mark on me. The evil Spirit, (who my mom called Bob) was the son of the God of Sickness. And Bob was the Demon of the Flu. The good Spirit, (who I like to call Max) told my mother that because I battled the flu at so young an age, I would posses certain strengths against it my whole life.

    “But he also warned my mother. He said, that I still had the flu in me. Just a part of it. Always with me. But if anymore were to be forced into me, in the form of a vaccination, I would suffer for it. The evil Spirit Bob would be reawakened in me, and now, as far from my native home as I am, I would have no Max to save me.

    “So you see thats why I cant get a flu shot today.”

    1. ScottP

      I like it! Well done.

      When you said “I won’t give it’s name”, were you referring to the dolphin or the island? I’m fairly sure you said the island which already “has no western name”, but I like the idea that you were referring to the dolphin.

      1. rob akers

        Welcome to the prompts.

        Nice job overall but I have a minor comment. When you make a big deal out of something like “I am not going to tell you the name if the island.” There needs to be a reason for the reader to discover. That is all I thought of once I passed the second time you mentioned it.

        I might end your story like this: The doctor stood motionless for a short moment before inserting the syringe into the bottle containing the INFLUENSA SYRIUM. “Was the name of that island, Hawaii?”

        Of course it is your story and you can do anything you like with it. Again nice job and welcome.

  55. lbordle

    Eeek! So this is my first time posting and I cheated a little with the beginning…i.e. I didn’t start it with “You’re not going to believe me…” but I did work it in there.

    Suspicious, shifty eyes have nothing on me. I practically invented it and over the years I’ve mastered it. So when Doctor Doom, I swear to God that’s his real name, gently suggests to me that I need a flu shot at this year’s check-up I barely blink an eye even though the thought of a needle piercing into me literally makes my skin crawl.

    Don’t let this little fear of mine fool you. I’ve got nerves of steel. But the fear is for good reason. You don’t go through years and years of training in the business I’m in and not come out with a phobia of needles. As the doctor turns to prepare his needle, I run through several scenarios in my head of why I can’t get this shot until I find the perfect one.

    Doom glances over his smocked shoulder and sighs, “Whenever you’re ready, roll up that sleeve. It’ll only take a second.”

    Once he turns back around I shift in my seat then clear my throat. “Well you see, Doctor… The thing is…” I pause for a deep breath then continue, “You’re not going to believe this, but I can’t get a flu shot today.”

    He sighs wearily. “You do this every year. And every year I tell you the same thing. You’re not only putting yourself at risk, kid.”

    “I know, I know,” I respond, holding up my hands. “Ordinarily I’d have to put a ‘I’d have to kill you if I told you’ disclaimer on what I’m about to tell you but since I’ve known you my entire life I suppose it’s safe.”

    He looks at my expectantly with a look that says, “this ought to be good.”

    “Okay,” I sigh, “for little over fifteen years I’ve been an operative in an organization so secret it’s not even worth mentioning its name. Tomorrow I’ll be going undercover.” Glancing up, I see this isn’t enough to placate him but I wait just in case.

    Doom shakes his head. “You’re going to have to do better than that, kid,” he responds sarcastically.

    I sit back and eye him for a moment. When my scrutiny is complete I lean forward and lower my voice. “I’ll be infiltrating the Killorian gang. You heard of them?”

    He shakes his head.

    “They’re one of the most dangerous, exclusive drug gangs around. They’re smuggling some really powerful stuff into our city and I’m the only one who can stop them. But, you see, it’s standard procedure for them to check me for wires and trackers before entry. If I have a hole in my skin they’ll sense something amiss.”

    Doom arches an eyebrow at me.

    “I’m telling you the truth, Doc. If my superiors knew I was disclosing…” I whistle ominously then swipe my finger across my neck. “That can’t happen. I can’t jeopardize this mission; there are a lot of good people relying on me to complete this mission. And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.”

    1. ScottP

      Good job on your first entry. I would’ve liked the relationship between the doctor and the patient explored more. It seems like they have a history and I don’t see the doctor being swayed by this excuse either.

  56. Hasturtargos

    “You’re not going to believe this but there is a reason why I can’t take the flu shot”. I said anxiously.

    The doctor frowned and gave an annoyed look, cocking his head in my direction.

    “Oh and what might that be”. The doctor said, his mere breath exuding sarcasm.
    “Well…” I began. I shuddered and said the first thing that came to mind.
    “Um, well… it was my friend you see”.
    “Her name was Scarlet… Scarlet Pale”.
    His eyebrows raised, tight skin pulling into his cheekbones allowing a quizzical look to appear on his weathered face.
    “We were really good friends in high school “. I said, my confidence in the story growing.

    “One day I accompanied her on a trip to the doctors to get her flu shot”.
    “I was there when she took the shot, and in that instant I saw something, only for a second, but defiantly there. When the needle broke her skin she… smiled. She enjoyed the pain!

    He rolled his eyes “That is a normal response to such stimuli ”

    I feigned a scowl. “In any case what followed was certainly not normal”. I said, my lack of conviction was obvious.

    “She liked the pain so much that she constantly tried to replicate it. She began experimenting with drugs and alcohol. My attempts to bring her back only pushed her away”.
    “In the end she fell in with the wrong crowd, they were a group of masochistic ego thrill-seekers. They told her the only way to get the same feeling was to use the same things. They explained that drugs and alcohol only acted to dull the pleasurable pain they perceived. They inducted her into their cult and she quickly rose to a position of leadership.

    I stole a quick glance to see if he was buying it. His their eyes were fixated on me and he was listening intently. If this didn’t work, I made a silent promise to go and throw my TV at the irrational radio host that had convinced me of the dangers of vaccines, and make him watch Fox News until his brain melted. The current record being fifteen minutes.

    “It was only after she was arrested that I found out what she had been doing. She planned the greatest heist in cult history, she was going to rob the Cleveland Clinic of its entire supply of flu shots”!

    “David, that’s…!”

    I cut him off. ” And she would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for one of her meddling cultists. Would you believe the guy was so desperate for pain-pleasure that he ratted her out to the cops, hoping that he would be a beaten up for snitching behind bars. Can you imagine?”

    “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today!” I said, my pride swelling.

    The doctor was dumbfounded, sifting his hands through his coffee-coloured hair. ” Well that’s all well and good, but the shot’s not mandatory. You could’ve just said no!”

    1. Imaginalchemy

      ha ha, a little ode to Scooby Doo snuck in there (those meddling cultists!) I find it interesting that the narrator has a legitimate reason for not wanting a shot (media-spun paranoia about vaccines), but is so embarrassed about it that he fabricates a completely wild story instead of telling the truth about his fears.

        1. Hasturtargos

          Also in todays society there is lot of pressure to ‘fit in’ so when you have ‘David’ come along with all these radical ideas it is quite likely that he will get laughed out of every place he talks about them in. An element of trust also comes into it as if i were him i woude’nt want to tell the doctor the truth for fear of offending the poor guy by implying that he is out to hurt him!

  57. Imaginalchemy

    Doctor, you’re not going to believe this, but while I was going to visit my grandmother at the hospital—she’s very sick, so I always bring her some of her favorite chicken soup right before I go volunteer at the Sunshine Shelter for Homeless Kittens—a truck swerved into my path, and this giant vat fell off of it and splattered apple sauce all over my car. Just as I was getting out to get the driver’s insurance info, a carrier full of kangaroos—did you know a group of kangaroos is called a “mob”? Isn’t that weird?—comes rolling by, and since, as you know, kangaroos love apple sauce, they all jump off the carrier and start swarming my car. But I knew I had to rescue my soup for Maw-Maw, so I fought my way through those kangaroos to get it, but apparently the We Love Animals Hunters’ Club was in town for some convention, and they happen to spot the whole thing so they decide to start shooting tranquilizer darts, and I’m running with a pot of soup among all these panicking kangaroos trying not to get shot when Zombie John Wayne comes riding up to me on a horse—the horse, I do not know if it was zombie or not—and pulls me up to get me out of harm’s way, but apparently the mad scientist who brought John Wayne back to life was on his tail, driving some Tesla Coil-contraption utility van, and he’s firing these electric bolts at us, and just then we were riding past the Sunshine Shelter for Homeless Kittens and they smell the soup and they all come running out all hungry, and I guess the mad scientist must’ve been allergic to cats because he starts sneezing up a storm and swerving all over the road, and the hunters (who by now have commandeered the kangaroos and were riding them down the street) start going after the cats, and John Wayne, being a zombie and all, gets the hankering for human brains—uh, I guess he didn’t eat mine because the smell of soup threw him off—so he turns around to go after the hunters, but the mad scientist got out of his van and tries to shoot John Wayne with this weird zapper thingy, but he hits my pot of soup instead and it reanimates the chicken meat into tiny chicken nugget zombies, and we were right by a McDonald’s so all the chicken nugget zombies went in and bit all the chicken nuggets and burgers and apple pies inside which turned them into zombies, and they zombified food all came out to eat everybody and everyone ran for the hills but the zombie nuggets declared me their primordial-soup god, and since gods don’t get the flu and I have to keep up appearances, that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.

    (And Maw-Maw’s doing better, thanks for asking.)

      1. Imaginalchemy

        LOL, thank you. I took this week’s prompt as an exercise in “once it’s written, you can’t take it back.” So anything I typed, I had to stick with and keep on going, no matter how dumb I thought it might be later (and trust me, I think this is pretty dumb stuff). It was fun, although I’m shaking my head at this right now.

    1. ScottP

      I went with the same stragety: A stream-of-thought, Mad-lib kind of story.

      It’s kind of fun just letting words and idea spill out into a story. It’s also a little scary when, like me, you want things to be carefully spelled out.

      I especially liked the part about a group of kangaroos being called a “mob” and clarifying that you weren’t sure if Zombie John Wayne’s horse was a zombie. They helped to give it that fast, manic pace that someone would use telling this story.

    2. aikawah

      You should read ‘Apocalypse Cow’ by Michael Logan (who I’ve had the pleasure of meeting recently) its full of crazy zombie animals and wacky scottish humor. A lot like this story in both aspects (esp. the zombie stuff).

  58. rapidbutterly

    Your not going to believe this but the other day this bug crawl into my ear while i was sleeping, completely
    freaked me out. I go to the E.R and after like ten minutes of fighting with it they get it out, its still alive and kickin’. I’ve never seen anything like it, it was the biggest, ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. I swear it had an attitude with me.
    Anyway I’m like five seconds from getting discharged when these two men walk into my room. They have black suits and shades on, I think they were with the M.I.B. Don’t look at me like that, someone probably found out about them and figured it would make a great movie.
    So there I am not sure if I should freak out or ask for an autograph when the tallest one puts on some rubber gloves. He stickes his finger out and ask “May I? “. I didnt want to tell him no but I really wanted to know where that finger was going before I said anything.
    He didnt wait for an answer, he went to the bug and started poking at it. Then the weirdest thing happened, he starts talking like

    ” Did you really think you were gonna get awat that easy, just hitch a ride in some kids ear and skip town?”.

    He grabs it puts it in this zip lock bag thing and jams it in his pocket. I thought that, whatever it was had an attitude before, you should have seen it after it got all close and personal with that pocket.
    So these two guys grab me and tell me I need to go to the statation with them so they can run some test, make sure i’m ok. Thats when I start to freak out, no I mean really freak out. I try to come up with an excuse so they wont take me, like I’m a minor and they have to wait for my mom to come and all that stuff but they drag me into the hallway.
    I think they did that memory zappy thing to my nurse cause she looked at me like she didnt know me and walked past me all zombified. Kinda too bad, she was really cute, I wanted to get her number. She said I’m jail bait but thats only for another four years, it could have worked. Anyway I dont remember much after that, I think the zapped my memory too.
    Next thing I remember is sitting outside in my sandbox. I dont wanna think about all the testing they did, you know the violation and everything but I have this red swollen mark on my arm.
    I’m pretty sure its from a flu shot, probably could tell I needed one. If I get another one I could O.D but my butt hurts, you can check that out if you want. So you see thats why I cant get a flu shot today.