That will be me

Home Forums Writer’s Digest Forum Poetic Asides That will be me

This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 11 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #346526

    Anonymous

    When you brush aside the silk
    and welcome the day’s first beam,

    that will be me

    When you hear the whispering wind
    tenderly kissing the leaves,

    that will be me

    When you smell salt in the air
    and hear the dance of the eternal sea,

    that will be me

    When the October sky catches your eye
    and you gaze upon the heavenly gleam,

    that will be me

    When you are confronted with the darkness
    and feel a helping hand you can’t see,

    that will be me … watching over thee

  • #654666

    Anonymous

    Nice!

    I would omit the < ... >.

    Possibly split the last phrase and put the < watching over thee > on a separate line.
    Or change the entire last lineto: I’ll be there watching over thee. Although I think splitting the last line into two works better.

  • #654667

    Anonymous

    Hey, thanks. Yes, I like the idea of omitting the ellipsis. But, I have a question. The ellipsis are intended to introduce a pause. If I remove the ellipsis, how do I introduce an equivalent pause ?

    What I mean is …

    “When you brush aside the silk
    and welcome the day’s first beam
    (Pause)
    That will be me”

    How do I achieve this without ellipsis ?

    Although, I feel like “watching over thee” belongs on the same line … perhaps separated by a comma instead of “…” ? The reason being that I want continuity when the last line is read. I don’t want too big a pause, so I want them to be on the same line.

  • #654668

    Anonymous

    Double dash at the end of the line before the pause ?

  • #654669

    Anonymous

    On second thought, there is nothing wrong with the ellipsis. Poetry, to me, is not about rules and conventions … it’s about creativity and originality, both in its underlying meaning and in its expression. I like the ellipsis … a lot 🙂

  • #654670

    Anonymous

    aurora.borealis wrote:
    > On second thought, there is nothing wrong with the ellipsis. Poetry, to me,
    > is not about rules and conventions … it’s about creativity and
    > originality, both in its underlying meaning and in its expression. I like
    > the ellipsis … a lot 🙂
    ==========

    Well if you like it then problem solved.
    Personally I did not think it fit, but this is your poem not mine.
    And I think they would fit better ending the line above or before the last line instead of by themselves.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.