Sometimes You Just Have To Be The Cat (Sht Stry for critique

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  timeradrake 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #346785

    Hope97842037
    Participant

    The stegosaurus roared as loud as it could at the glittering unicorn. It’s stunted size took much of the wind out of his ferocity but he was fearsome none the less.

    The giggling one horned mammal stood there gazing with a mocking stare at the dinosaur completely unafraid.

    Rage overtook the otherwise placid beast. He lowers his head and charges towards the otherwise graceful creature would know the wrath of this dinosaur even if it meant extinction for the unicorns. He lowers his head nearing the unicorn and suddenly grinds to a halt as several confetti cannons fire in his direction and cover him in tiny bits of paper.

    He looks to the source of the fired paper and sees a bouncing pink horse with curly pink locks of hair. “Leave that unicorn alone you big meanie muffin.”

    “Pinkie Pie! Didnt anyone ever teach you to mind your own business?”

    “Nope!”

    “Well you should, imma eat this unicorn for making me mad.”

    “Aren’t you a herbivore?”

    “Obviously!”

    “Don’t herbivores only eat plants?”

    “Obviously!”

    “Well you silly dinosaur, ponies are not plants silly. There is some tasty clover over there if you want.”

    “I want to eat the unicorn.”

    “Daaaddddyyyy herbivores don’t eat ponies.”

    “They do if they are angry enough.”

    “C’mon daddy why can’t you just be the kitty.” She pouts handing me some strange looking anthropomorphic kitten.

    “Really? This is what I am reduced to from raging dinosaur on a quest for revenge to helpless mutant kitty cat?”

    “But she is so cute!”

    “Oh no. If daddy has to be a cat I am going to be a bad cat looking for trouble in a world that has plenty to offer. And I am most definately a boy cat.”

    “Why do you always have to be the bad guy daddy?”

    “Who else is going to do it?” It was true though, it’s not like the dog would do anything but chew the toy and run away, and the fish would watch the toy drown like the psychopathic voyeurs they are.

    “There doesn’t have to be a bad guy daddy, sometimes it is just fun friends who get together. ”

    “Are you serious right now? Every story worth telling has a bad guy. Luke has Vader, Picard has the Cardassians, Starfleet has the Borg, Batman has the Joker.” She stares at me vacantly. “Fine, Dora has swiper, PJ Masks have Luna girl and night ninja, the Trolls have the Bergen, and Queen Elsa has Prince Han of the Southern isles.”

    She smiles at the mention of her favorite shows, “Here you go daddy.” In her hand was the mutant kitty.

    Sometimes you just have to be the cat.

  • #655514

    Anonymous

    A sweet short short, perhaps better placed in the Children’s category.

    I don’t mean to be harsh, but I don’t see the humor. But, I’m closing in on 70, so maybe a 6 year-old would see it and laugh?

    “Imma” threw me for a loop. I had to search for it to discover it is, believe it or not, a slang contraction without an apostrophe according to Wiktionary (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Imma) . (also a genus of moths, but I’m betting it wasn’t meant that way). I guess what I’m saying is that it is jarring and detracts from the flow of the story and, maybe, the phrase “I’m going to” should be used, instead.

  • #655515

    timeradrake
    Participant

    I chuckled. I’m kind of reminded of the ending of the movie “Labyrinth.” There’s a rant by The Goblin King about being what Sarah wanted him to be. “You were scared, and I was frightening!”

    I think a lot of dads will identify with this.

    But… there’s a LOT of cleanup needed here.

    > “It’s stunted size” should be “Its stunted size”.

    Hyphenate “one horned”. I had to pause to realize that was about having one horn. Saying it’s “one-horned” is more clear and prevents that pause for me. The pause broke the flow of the story. What some call being “taken out of” the story.

    You switched from past tense to present tense. Again, that took me out of the story.

    > He lowers his head and charges towards the otherwise graceful creature | would know the wrath of this dinosaur even if it meant extinction for the unicorns.

    You see that vertical symbol I stuck in the middle? It feels like thers should be two sentences one with an ending right about there, and one with a beginning right about there. Both of which are missing. That’s how I see it.

    I’ll stop there. I think it’s a cute, whimsical idea. I also feel like I’m reading a first draft. Generally speaking, people who give critiques don’t like feeling like what they’re reading is a first draft. I can say that I, personally, feel like the writer didn’t bother to check his work, why should I? Always give your work a skeptical read-through before you submit for critique.

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