New Query (Lonelight)

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  margery65w 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #347030

    Anonymous

    Here with another query! Any thoughts?

    After Avery’s parents were murdered for disobeying city rites, Avery aims to raise his little brother Truss, and withdraw from the world. But life isn’t that giving. Especially when Avery discovers an alternate realm on top of a mountain, where the deific Lonelight awaits. The Lonelight invites him to participate in a trial of great power and reward. However, this invitation is more of a threat, for if Avery fails the trial, all upon the world he loathes, will cease to exist.

    The goal is simple for Avery: keep Truss alive, even if it means the death of everyone else. This becomes harder for him, though, as he enters a city of stones that harness the energy of the sun where he crosses paths with other participants. He falls for a blind boy who desires to use the mysterious reward to give sight to those darkened by hate. And he sympathizes with a determined girl who wants to use her echoic of molecular manipulation to rise the ranks and end the selfishness that plagues her continent. Avery’s resolve to win falters as he develops once-deadened emotions for those around him.

    That is until Avery wins the first of the three trials, gifting him an ability to destroy civilizations. With the second trial beginning a battle royal between participants, Avery’s grip on his new weapon tightens. His loss means the death of his brother; his success means the death of millions by his own hand. And with Avery simultaneously uncovering sinister secrets behind the Lonelight’s intent for the trial, his hope diminishes. When every choice is wrong, Avery will have to outwit a god to win.

    One thing I think is wrong is the last sentence of the first paragraph. Specifically the “all upon the world he loathes will cease to exist.”

    It’s suppose to parallel with the last sentence of the second paragraph, where he begins to develop connections, but it feels worded incorrectly (the loathes part).

  • #656123

    cypher
    Participant

    “All” in the first paragraph is too ambiguous. I take it you mean every person, or every living creature, will cease to exist.

    It sounds a great story. Good luck with it.

  • #656124

    margery65w
    Participant

    Crono91 wrote:
    > Here with another query! Any thoughts?
    >
    > After Avery’s parents were murdered for disobeying city rites, Avery aims
    > to raise his little brother Truss, and withdraw from the world. But life
    > isn’t that giving. Especially when Avery discovers an alternate realm on
    > top of a mountain, where the deific Lonelight awaits. The Lonelight invites
    > him to participate in a trial of great power and reward. However, this
    > invitation is more of a threat, for if Avery fails the trial, all upon the
    > world he loathes, will cease to exist.
    >
    > The goal is simple for Avery: keep Truss alive, even if it means the death
    > of everyone else. This becomes harder for him, though, as he enters a city
    > of stones that harness the energy of the sun where he crosses paths with
    > other participants. He falls for a blind boy who desires to use the
    > mysterious reward to give sight to those darkened by hate. And he
    > sympathizes with a determined girl who wants to use her echoic of molecular
    > manipulation to rise the ranks and end the selfishness that plagues her
    > continent. Avery’s resolve to win falters as he develops once-deadened
    > emotions for those around him.
    >
    > That is until Avery wins the first of the three trials, gifting him an
    > ability to destroy civilizations. With the second trial beginning a battle
    > royal between participants, Avery’s grip on his new weapon tightens. His
    > loss means the death of his brother; his success means the death of
    > millions by his own hand. And with Avery simultaneously uncovering sinister
    > secrets behind the Lonelight’s intent for the trial, his hope diminishes.
    > When every choice is wrong, Avery will have to outwit a god to win.
    >
    >
    > —
    >
    > One thing I think is wrong is the last sentence of the first paragraph.
    > Specifically the “all upon the world he loathes will cease to
    > exist.”
    >
    > It’s suppose to parallel with the last sentence of the second paragraph,
    > where he begins to develop connections, but it feels worded incorrectly
    > (the loathes part).

    Sounds more like a short synopsis than a query per se. And rather complex making it hard to follow.
    Not my genre for sure so no intuitive feel for whether this would work with a publisher or agent.

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