critique wanted

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  writer_guy 3 months ago.

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  • #346497

    Anonymous

    Middle Ground

    Spacing out.
    mindless wandering.
    into the deep end.
    where the sharks swim.
    and the pretty flowers die.
    where people float face down,
    with wide eyes and empty heads.
    A stone for a heart
    a sinking sensation. Dragging me down.
    Down.
    My heart is in my head
    speaking through my eyes.
    Hope and Happiness
    distant thoughts like
    clouds and stars.
    too far up.
    up.

  • #654543

    clareantoinette
    Participant

    I think this works really well. The only suggestion I have is that because you’re using the imagery and sensations of water and drowning, the line with the flowers felt out of place to me. Consider changing that line to something related to water, perhaps?

  • #654544

    Anonymous

    I like the imagery. Including the way the text imitates (loosely) a sail, or even a dorsal fin.

    The punctuation, however, disconnected me. For example, lines 2 and 3:

    mindless wandering.
    into the deep end.

    My brain wants to stop at each period. That creates fragmented thoughts. But when I read that without the break, “mindless wandering into the deep end,” that’s such an evocative thought. I want most of the punctuation to not be there, “forcing” me to pause and fragment.

    It’s not working for me with that fragmentation. I don’t know if you intended that or not. I think the longer thoughts grabbed me better.

  • #654545

    clareantoinette
    Participant

    I agree with what Rob said about the periods. Honestly, when I read the poem my eyes blanked out the periods. If I had noticed them it would have really distracted me and ruined the entire mood of the poem for me.

  • #654546

    cypher
    Participant

    The “pretty flowers” threw me, too. Perhaps you could use “water lilies”?

  • #654547

    jIPPity
    Participant

    I agree about the periods. They stopped me cold. Otherwise, it’s a lovely poem.

    –Warren

  • #654548

    Anonymous

    I fine this poem to be very lovely. Nicely done, thanks for sharing. 😀

  • #654549

    writer_guy
    Participant

    Are you sure this is “Middle Ground”, ’cause it sounded like underground to me… real creepy, indeed, you do achieve effect with this piece! Yet, no need of dots (full stops) in the end and this kind of poetry does NOT need pronouns like “me” and “my” at all, because they make it sound like your diary and not like art. Would like to read something optimistic from you! 🙂

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