Constructive critique on character sketch please.

Home Forums Critique Central Thriller/Suspense Constructive critique on character sketch please.

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  cypher 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #346891

    coraxuvuva
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m looking for a bit of constructive criticism on this little character sketch I’ve written. Looking forward to your comments.

    Character sketch:

    She was small for her age. Not fragile, but a late developer. Her straw blonde hair, its wild tangles and break-away strands, both tell-tale signs of a boisterous afternoon in the playground, bounced off her shoulders as she walked. Her arms were full as she carried both her school satchel and a large red lunch box. She reached her father, just outside the school gates and gave a cautious smile but didn’t hold his gaze for long. Instead, she turned her attention to her young sister, whom she grasped tightly under the arms and lifted off the floor so that the toddler’s feet were dangling inches off the ground. She buried her face in her little sister’s neck and squeezed, releasing all the emotions that had been bubbling away inside her that day. When she finally released the hug, her carefree smile had returned. All the fears and anxiety had been washed from her young face and her fresh clean skin glistened and sparkled once more. She was safe…for now.

  • #655799

    cypher
    Participant

    Nice writing, but I didn’t grasp the picture. You say that your character’s arms were full – she was carrying her satchel and a large red lunch box – yet she lifted her little sister off the ground. What happened to lunch box and satchel?

    I liked the way you created a “what’s the matter” anxiety for your character, and would like to know more about her. Good luck with developing her. 🙂

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