Children’s Story, “No Monsters on the Moon” by Matt Janacone

Home Forums Critique Central Children’s Children’s Story, “No Monsters on the Moon” by Matt Janacone

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  maxiuomc48 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

  • Author
  • #346971


    “No Monsters on the Moon”
    by Matt Janacone

    Benjamin lived on a farm. The farm had a barn and a pond with a wooden pier. Outside of a few cats and a golden retriever there were no farm animals—that is, if you included werewolves, which Benjamin was terrified of.

    The pier was Benjamin’s favorite place in the summer to fish and read while he cooled his feet.

    It was just a few weeks before Benjamin’s ninth birthday. His parents told him that the faster he fell asleep the faster his birthday would come, but he could not sleep. He was afraid of monsters. He peeked out from underneath his covers to see if monsters lurking under his bed, in his closet, or just outside his bedroom door or window.

    Benjamin looked outside his window. He noticed a crescent moon in the night sky, and suddenly he realized—there were no werewolves out tonight. They were only out when the moon was bright and full.

    Then Benjamin thought about the moon. No monsters could have been there. Not only was the moon too far away, there was no one to scare on the moon. The moon was the place to be at night.

    Benjamin had a plan to go to the moon. Tomorrow he would ask his parents for a gallon of dish washing liquid and a hula-hoop.

    In the meantime, Benjamin turned on his iPod. Monsters were afraid of music. Soon he felt safe and fell fast asleep.


    It was his birthday. He had invited his friends to his party, and it was time to sing “Happy Birthday” to Benjamin. His mother brought out his cake and lit nine candles. After everyone had sung, Benjamin made a wish, blew out his candles then everyone ate cake and ice cream.

    Now, it was time for Benjamin to open his gifts.

    Benjamin noticed one gift was in a big box, and the box was quite light. The box was so big that his mother had to wrap it with the funny pages of newspapers. This gift he would open last.

    Benjamin began opening his gifts. He got a few comic books, one book about oceans and one about space, a few Hawaiian shirts, and a gallon of dish washing liquid. Benjamin loved making bubbles.

    Now it was time to open the last gift in the big box. His friends watched with anticipation as Benjamin tore through the newspaper, and then he opened the box. Inside it he found a hula-hoop.

    He showed his friends and they laughed hysterically. “Ha, ha, ha! Hula-hoops are for girls!”

    But Benjamin paid no attention to them. He had asked for the hula-hoop. With the gallon of dish washing liquid and the hula-hoop, he would escape to the moon that night.

    That night Benjamin’s parents tucked him in bed and turned out his bedroom light. Once they left, Benjamin opened the drawer in his nightstand for his iPod. But when he turned the iPod on, he noticed the red battery light was on—the batteries were low.

    Benjamin became very freighted. Would monsters get him?

    Benjamin looked outside his window. He noticed a crescent moon in the night sky, and suddenly he realized—there were no werewolves out tonight. They were only out when the moon was full.

    Benjamin wondered if the batteries in his iPod would last long enough for him to escape the house to the moon.

    Quietly so that he would not stir his parents, Benjamin slipped out of bed. He picked up the hula-hoop and the gallon of bubbles then tiptoed into the hallway.
    Benjamin was just a few steps from the kitchen when the battery light on the iPod began to blink.

    As he tiptoed across the linoleum kitchen floor toward the screen door, his heart began to pound like a bass drum. To him the screen door seemed as far away as the moon.

    Finally, Benjamin reached the screen door. As he opened it to step outside in the chilly air the battery light on the iPod went out. He wiped his forehead and breathed in relief. He was safely outside. He closed the door behind him.

    He walked to the edge of the pier. He set the hula-hoop down and poured the entire gallon of bubbles into the pond. He waited a moment for the bubbles to mix in with the water then he dipped the hula-hoop into it.

    Benjamin waited another moment for a breeze to come. Once it did, he held the hula-hoop up into it.

    Out of the hula-hoop grew an enormous bubble. It was the biggest bubble he had ever seen! And before it closed, he jumped inside it. Away he floated, up up into a sky sparkling with stars.

    Benjamin steered the bubble toward the moon. The bubble was shaped just like the lens in a telescope. Through it he was able to see many stars and constellations up close.

    Benjamin floated higher and higher into the night sky, steering the bubble clear of meteors, and there were many of them. They raced every which way across the sky like fireflies.
    Finally, Benjamin took a deep breath. He had made it to the moon. Very carefully he landed the bubble inside the moon’s crescent, which was like a chair.

    Benjamin sat back and continued to watch meteors. He was able to see many stars and constellations. He made constellations of his own. He even made a constellation of him in his bubble.

    As time passed, Benjamin began to wonder. How would he get back to earth? He had not thought about that.
    Benjamin thought for a moment then he came to a conclusion. He would not do a single thing. He would just sit back and set with the moon. By that time morning would come. Monsters would not be out then.

    ~ The End ~

  • #655973


    I like your story very much. There are grammatical errors which you should be able to spot for yourself, and I think some of the words are too long for a newly-nine-year-old. I’m not qualified to judge whether it is too long for a children’s book, but it seems about the same length as “Where the Wild Things Are”. Your story reminded me a little of that best-seller. After you make corrections, I wish you luck with the query process. 🙂

  • #655974


    I’m glad you enjoyed the story. I really enjoyed writing it. Although this story wasn’t inspired by ‘Where the Wild Things Are’, it’s one heck of a compliment. Thanks. I’ll get on those grammatical errors right away! There is a formula used called the Flesch Reading Ease Formula. I will have to look into it.

  • #655975


    Hi Matt Janacone. 🙂

    I thought it was a nice story.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.