Caged Bird

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  sreicher 9 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #469838

    paris1929
    Participant

    Everyday talents are wasted

    Good fruit gone bad and can no longer be tasted

    The best voices ar never listened to

    A mystery with absolutely no clues

    The best writers will have stories unread

    A disease causing blindness has spread

    The most artistic hands will have drawings that noone will see

    A bird that is caged and never set free

  • #324499

    paris1929
    Participant
  • #469839

    tijuanasmellsgood
    Participant

    sounds a bit like sour grapes to me….have you had bad luck with editors? I spent part of today re-reading a wonderful selection of poetry put out by Hastings University, Nebraska. what with Internet, it’s not all that difficult to find appreciative editors….I think your work above is conventional thinking not at all true, speaking from my experience, of course.

    janet

  • #469840

    janrmcv
    Participant

    A great deal of truth in what you say… and it has nothing to do with editors or grapes.

    ~ L ~

  • #469841

    Bruce
    Participant

    Hi Tera,
    Just a couple of typos. Line three, ar/are and line seven noone. no one:)
    Elizabeth

  • #469842

    sale5
    Participant

    I set out to make this an acrostic poem using the words, “Caged Bird”. Needless to say, that worked out right up to the letter “B”. So I had to do something else. This is the draft that I ended up with.  Suggestions NEEDED and welcomed. Something seems to be amiss. Just can’t put my finger on it.

    Can you look beyond
    the smile and see
    the see the mother
    wanting more

    Or the girl who once
    had dreams etched
    in silver stars

    Do save them–
    these caged birds,
    who, with battered wings,
    still want to fly

    Though heaven is so
    far away and the
    weight of gravity
    is all they know

    Do set them free
    to sing, to dream,
    to fly–

    Oh do save a star
    for me

  • #469843

    sukecal
    Participant

    Quite lovely….the last line is devastatingly beautiful….a real punch to the reader.

    tp 🙂

  • #469844

    kimberley
    Participant

    Very nice. I think it would be better if you took out the three “do’s”.

  • #469845

    sale5
    Participant

    Yeah, me too. I didn’t realize I had that many. Well, since my computer is screwed, I can’t edit or start a new thread, so I will have to revise like so:

    Can you look beyond
    the smile and see
    the mother wanting
    more

    The girl who once
    had dreams
    etched in silver
    stars

    Do save her–
    this caged bird
    who, with battered
    wings,

    Still yearns to fly

    Though heaven is
    so far away
    and the weight
    of gravity

    Is all she knows

    Set her free–
    to sing, to dream, to rise

    Do save a star
    for me
    *************************************
    Okay, something is still a little off kilter to me, beginning after the second stanza. But thanks guys for your input and positive feedback.

  • #469846

    Bruce
    Participant

    Shonte’,
    I like the second version. I played with it a little and cut out a few of the beginning words from the
    first and third stanzas, and the last line.

    I really like the story here.
    Elizabeth

    Look beyond
    the smile and see
    the mother wanting
    more

    The girl who once
    had dreams
    etched in silver
    stars

    this caged bird
    who, with battered
    wings,

    Still yearns to fly

    Though heaven is
    so far away
    and the weight
    of gravity

    Is all she knows

    Set her free–
    to sing, to dream, to rise

    Save a star
    for me

  • #469847

    Mary Jo
    Participant

    Wow I can add nothing but say that I liked the piece especially the second version. However Elibet (as usual) did a fantastic job in trimming it down even more and so increasing the punch. However you decide to go nice piece.

  • #469848

    barb schmeling
    Participant

    Shonte’, I love it. Moving the “do’s” made it a better read. The second version is truly great. Thanks for sharing.
    :emoticon:

  • #469849

    whonheheame
    Participant

    Shonté, I think the second version is excellent, and while I like Elizabeth’s edits, I think your version has more of an appealing tone to it, as though you’re conversing with the reader rather than simply speaking. Either way you decide to go, it’s wonderful. I’m glad you didn’t go acrostic on it; I think that would have detracted from it in this case.

  • #469850

    AKnursewriter
    Participant

    I agree with Traci on this one. I like the conversational tone of your second edit. I think you’ve tightened it up a bit. The “do’s” felt extraneous to me and maybe could be removed or replaced if you’re so inclined, as Elizabeth illustrated. I think you’ve got a real beaut here.

  • #469851

    sale5
    Participant

    Wow, thanks everyone. I really struggled with this one. Elizabeth your revise is great; I think I will eliminate the “do’s” completely.

  • #469852

    sreicher
    Participant

    I do agree with amy about the ‘do’s, there arent really needed.

    Other than that, i, i really love it. Yeah that last line is killer.

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