A birds eye view. (2nd draft)

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Gookin 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #346827

    Gookin
    Participant

    I’ve just started to patter on the keys so am aware this is quite amateur and I’m sure you will all be horrified by my childlike writing, but we all have to start somewhere. I know I need to use dialogue to pick the pace of things up and I’m probably doing too much telling and not enough showing. Anyway any I’d be grateful for any advice and pointers from you lovely people and look forward to presenting more professional writing in the future. Thanks.



    It had snowed for the best part of 24 hours. 100 miles to the south the snow had yet to reach those parts. All angles and sharp edges on the landscape replaced with a bulbous vista. It looked to a child like a giant sticky marshmallow had exploded over the town covering everything in sight with its goo. The on setting whiteout blizzard driving hard and unrelenting against my face. They call it snow blindness for a reason I mused. Seeing anything with this bitter northerly was making it almost impossible to navigate the terrain. The horrendous conditions only adding to the lack of people out on the street. A small win but a win all the same. It was at times like this having a whiter body would be preferable. Having such a bold colour in these conditions robbed me of any anonymity. The black and white contrast now obvious to anyone crazy enough to be out in this god awful weather. The sudden downpour of snow was heavier and the wind stronger than the local TV weatherman had promised in the previous night’s forecast. I chastised myself for ever believing the lies they spew.

    Under my breath, I mouthed ‘maybe the weather reports should be placed next to the horoscopes’. As to avoid the bloody confusion, I thought.

    Usually, as a rule, I would only work at night as to blend into the background better. That was not on the cards today. My mark rarely played away during twilight hours. A family to entertain and a wife to keep happily silent. My sleek black outline still a stark contrast to anyone looking and able to see me in the almost whiteout blizzard conditions. I was about a mile out and 200 meters up and I could see nothing but, as only those in my place can, knew up ahead there would a car park surrounded by a grove of snow-topped trees.

    The powder snow on the branches of the trees weighing them down with such weight, making them seem like a group of stumpy snowmen. Needing only a face to complete the look. If there was any saving grace the driving snow had worsened and now limited visibility to less than 10 meters. I took a deep breath and flew through the blinding snow towards the closest tree branch I could see. My black wings at full stretch I shook and bits of snow and ice dropped piece by piece to the floor below. Not as inconspicuous as I usually like but this case had dragged on for weeks. I was keen to wrap things up. Like most working Joes I have bills to paying.

    I folded my wings to lessen the chances of discovery. The feathers on my right-wing had become encrusted in ice. Making flight a little more hazardous than usual. I hoped the single malt whisky I’d drank earlier would act as kind of anti-freeze. Regardless it was now or never. If I did not find shelter soon my wings would surely lose the lift they required. I hoped the small Nikon camera I had attached to my leg, which by now had become encrusted in snow and ice, was still working. I only needed it to work once or twice. That’s all I would need to get the money shot, as we called it in the business.

    I could just make out the motel next the car park. Of the 4 shapes covered in snow I could easily make out the biggest of them. The colour of the yellow Humvee was unmistakable under the mountain of snowfall. Its yellow side mirrors refusing to yield to the wintery conditions. Finally a break had come my way. I knew this motel having spent a few days staking it out, all be it better conditions 6 months ago on a previous case. The building was neither new nor old. Its single story housed 24 rooms. All a carbon copy of the others. The pink curtains dominated the outside against the white walls and snow-covered roof top making it look like a building consisting of nothing but pink coloured curtains from the outside. The one stroke of luck today being this motel had sky lights in the roof allowing light in to the drab interiors. The natural light beams coming in the window now some 8 minutes old only highlighted the slightly thread bear carpets, the first signs to this motels illustrious history.
    I flew as fast as possible through the whiteout blast to the nearest tree by the motel. From my birds eye view I could see the outline of 2 sets of foot prints side by side to one of the rooms. Any other footsteps had they been there were now long gone covered with millions of falling snowflakes. I judged one of the cars would belong to the receptionist on the check in desk. One at least would belong to housekeeping maybe even two. Odds on the footsteps belonged to the couple I had come to observe.

    The laughter coming through the walls came from the TV. Its volume turned up way above its medium setting but not to its highest. A person old enough could make out the familiar voice of Jerry Springer and the laughter of his audience. Some poor soul with few morals had sold their lame ass story in a bid for 15 minutes of fame. Little knowing they would forever be ridiculed and lambasted wherever they went. The reruns would ensure this would happen for the rest of their years on this planet. All for a free trip to Chicago to spend the night in a hotel and get their 15 minutes of fame. Which would inevitably turned in to 30 minutes of shame. The noise of laughter and Mr Springer coming out of the TV masked and drowned the noises being made by the love-birds in room 16. The only other noises came from Cheri. John had found out much to his dismay at their first meeting the vocal heights his lover could conjure. On that inaugural encounter their lovemaking had paused when a phone call from the reception desk enquired about an animal in possible distress. The receptionist explained how one of the adjacent rooms had reported what ‘sounded like an animal in distress, possibly trapped in the room’. This now was the primary reason for the TV being so loud.

  • #655623

    cypher
    Participant

    It rambles, PaulJC, and you need to make many corrections, (like threadbare). I would offer a line-edit if I felt competent enough to do so. However, I liked some of your description and you made me curious. The story seems set in today’s world, but who has big black wings and a sleek black outline? I would like to know more about this man/creature/alien? What is he going to get out of his spying? One small point: it’s snowing hard, yet you can still see through the skylights. If footsteps had been covered, wouldn’t skylights be covered, too?
    As I said, I’m curious to know what has happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen if this strange black creature’s plans come to fruition. Please post some more. 🙂

  • #655624

    Gookin
    Participant

    Oldtimer wrote:
    > It rambles, PaulJC, and you need to make many corrections, (like
    > threadbare). I would offer a line-edit if I felt competent enough to do so.
    > However, I liked some of your description and you made me curious. The
    > story seems set in today’s world, but who has big black wings and a sleek
    > black outline? I would like to know more about this man/creature/alien?
    > What is he going to get out of his spying? One small point: it’s snowing
    > hard, yet you can still see through the skylights. If footsteps had been
    > covered, wouldn’t skylights be covered, too?
    > As I said, I’m curious to know what has happened, what is happening, and
    > what is going to happen if this strange black creature’s plans come to
    > fruition. Please post some more. 🙂

    Thanks for the critique. I know reading some of my favorite books there seems to be a lot more dialogue going on and not quite so much of setting the scene.
    I better have a rethink of writing style and try to come at the story from a different angle. As for the skylight. Heat rises so it could of melted the falling snow but I take your point. The motel probably wouldn’t of had the heat cranked up so the snow would of covered the skylight.

    Thanks again 🙂

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