Re: Re: Your comments and suggestion please!

Home Forums Critique Central Query Letter Clinic Your comments and suggestion please! Re: Re: Your comments and suggestion please!

#502773

LauraSingleton
Participant

Of course, rather than Agent, you plug in the agent’s full name and title. I don’t like the first line. I think you can probably jump right into the story. I would pluck out the “thirty years later” and insert it somewhere into the next sentence. Also, I would explain his bloodlust a little better.. what about him makes his story compelling? Is he driven by anger, revenge for his son? How does one resident know he is coming? And know he is coming to kill? And why do they want to kill him? Also, with the religious intro and next lines, it seems like your novel is a tale of religious redemption.. but the latter half of the paragraph seems as though it is simply a bloody thriller. It gives a mixed theme that sort of confuses me.

Also, you state that it is your second novel. You must provide its title and company of publication or else it is irrelevant to the agent, just like stating that all your friends love it, it took you however many years to write, etc. It needs to be legitimate.

I think you have a great start! It is an interesting little snippet for your novel but it does just need to be cleaned up a tad. Sorry if I sounded condescending or bitchy at any point in time =] just trying to help.