Re: Re: Winter Time

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#487926

lmangan
Participant

This was a riot, the comments not the poem. I think the poem is great and I know this will sound hokey but I immediately thought of Robert Frost’s Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. I think it was the part saying “from days of long ago” that pulled the Frost poem to mind and because your poem was also has tranquil/peaceful feelings coming through.

Anyway, constructive critique…. I think mist/dismissed rhymes just fine, it probably feels problematic to some because of the number of syllables – so there may be a better construct – but what that might be I’m not sure.

For me, the word “orchestral” is hard to say and it makes you slow down as you read it. It also doesn’t support the peaceful feeling.

I do think you need to find a way to rhyme stanza two in keeping with the rest of the poem. This poem is worth the time to work on it more!

The only other thing that popped out to me was “reign in” in last stanza sounds a bit awkward (to me only probably) because “rein in” although spelled differently still made me think of reining something in… perhaps “reigns over”?

I wish I could end
with a cute quip,
but I doubt
anyone would give a flip.

🙂