In my opinion, the second version is too long. A query should be short and snappy and entice the reader to flip to the synopsis for story details. There is too much story summary there. I would stick with the first one, but try and clean it up a little bit. Best of luck to you.
DRAGON WORLD THE NEXT BEGINNING is a finished 153,000 word science fiction/fantasy manuscript that follows the last dragon slayer on her quest to rid the world of evil.
Mican (Who’s Mican?) has become a shadow in a world that barely remembers dragons (comma) let alone slayers. Unable to age (comma) she alone has the skill and knowledge to kill dragons. When the dragons return (comma) Mican begins the hunt again and realizes the world is not how she remembers it. Her troubles multiply with each step she takes, a reluctant keeper, a bard who wants to tag along and mercenaries whose only goal seems to be her demise. I don’t understand this sentence.
Micans quest to find the dragon becomes even more complicated when she meets Shawn. Shes never felt like this before. (How does she feel?) She buries her feelings deep (comma) denying the very thing thats kept her alive all these years – love. As she rides to slay the dragon (comma) she cant help but wonder if she can
she save the world one more time. But, can she save herself?
Dragon World is my first novel and my first attempt at publishing. I appreciate your time and your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.