Re: Re: The Trash Collector

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#624300

Aywrite23
Participant

@pale writer wrote:

I am not quite awake enough to properly critique this. But even before I do, what are you looking at mostly? What are your concerns. The first thing i noticed about your opening is that it is very passive and your word usage could be tightened to work more for the moment and push the story forward rather than stall. As you filter the emotions I was only given a partial chance for empathy and connection with this childhood experience – this is partly due to your use of filter words and partly due to how you set this for a narrative voice when I would have preferred to relive this moment as it happens with the mc.

I wanted this from the pov of that 7 year old, rather than from an adults.

As for ‘your style’. Please believe me when I say to not get locked up in thinking ‘style’ is an excuse. You are a new writer and have yet to be published enough to have your own style. If that were so, you wouldn’t need to be posting here for reviews. I am not meaning to be harsh in this criticism but such thoughts will harm your writing more than ever help.

I believe you could trim this way down. Don’t intrude as the writer, let your character be in her story.

Congratulations on winning the contest and best luck with further submissions

Well, firstly, I would think it’s plain that this particular individual is not a normal 7-year-old at the start. And he’s not that age throughout. I thought changing POV in a short story would be awkward, so I didn’t do it. But if all this isn’t obvious, I have a big problem, and I appreciate you pointing that out. It’s very embarrassing if the POV doesn’t fly. 😳

I have an even bigger problem with this, though-

“You are a new writer and have yet to be published enough to have your own style.”

I’m sorry, but that may be the worst advice I’ve ever seen for a writer. It doesn’t even make any sense. One isn’t allowed to have their own style until they’ve been published? …you’re kidding, right? How do you think many successful authors got published in the first place? And look at some of the most revered authors in history; Proust would write sentences that spanned an entire page, Faulkner rarely even bothered with punctuation, and Hemingway produced such horrid sentences that there’s an annual contest in his name, in which contestants must create the worst sentence possible.

I’m hardly comparing myself to such writers. But to tell new writers they’re not allowed to have their own style until they’ve been published is just…awful. You tell that to a kid when he first starts out, and he’ll end up producing the most stilted, boring prose on the face of the earth.