Re: Re: The Trash Collector

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#624299

Anonymous

I am not quite awake enough to properly critique this. But even before I do, what are you looking at mostly? What are your concerns. The first thing i noticed about your opening is that it is very passive and your word usage could be tightened to work more for the moment and push the story forward rather than stall. As you filter the emotions I was only given a partial chance for empathy and connection with this childhood experience – this is partly due to your use of filter words and partly due to how you set this for a narrative voice when I would have preferred to relive this moment as it happens with the mc.

I wanted this from the pov of that 7 year old, rather than from an adults.

As for ‘your style’. Please believe me when I say to not get locked up in thinking ‘style’ is an excuse. You are a new writer and have yet to be published enough to have your own style. If that were so, you wouldn’t need to be posting here for reviews. I am not meaning to be harsh in this criticism but such thoughts will harm your writing more than ever help.

I believe you could trim this way down. Don’t intrude as the writer, let your character be in her story.

Congratulations on winning the contest and best luck with further submissions