Re: Re: The Story of Us… (Experimental Fiction/Haiku)

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#523559

jayrbee777
Participant

Wow! This is an interesting and ambitious undertaking, and you did it so well! 🙂 If you hadn’t said you were aiming for haiku, I’m not sure when I would have noticed — because you did such a nice job choosing natural sounding language. There were only a few spots where you sacrificed it for the syllable count. I agree with those places already mentioned above — and maybe one more. Some things I might offer (which may — or may not — help you:

I wonder what thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . I wonder if thoughts??
crossed her mind as blood did flow . . . crossed her mind as blood flooded?
through membrane tissue.

I caught her off guard.
She asked me for my number,
which I then did give. . . . . . . . . which I gladly gave?

It was our “first date”.
We were going to get married . . . . ooops! syllable count off is off here (8?) — and verb tense is funky,
next year on that date. . . . . . . . . . because it seems to indicate that the wedding never happened?

. . . . . I don’t have a good solution for that one! Sorry! Maybe ‘Not long after, we were wed’?

It was all my fault.
I shouldn’t have been driving.
We had drank too much. . . . . . . . We had drunk too much

I didn’t see it.
I had weaved in the wrong lane, . . . . . . I strayed into the wrong lane?
we were hit head on.

All in all — excellent! Thanks for the read, and good luck with getting it published, John. 🙂