Re: Re: The Story of Us… (Experimental Fiction/Haiku)

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#523555

bigiq
Participant

maybe, “We drank far too much” (or something like that) instead of “had drank”–
phone number “which I gave to her” instead of “then did give”
“crossed her mind as her blood flowed” instead of “blood did flow”—-
just some possiblities that keep the right syllable count.

These minor things aside, I am amazed at the control you’ve shown with this. To have the entire thing—title, headings, and poem be in the 5-7-5 form and still have it read so smoothly is quite an accomplishment. I’m impressed.