Re: RE: The Panic (part 2) end *edited

Home Forums Critique Central Mystery/Crime The Panic (part 2) end *edited Re: RE: The Panic (part 2) end *edited

#518815

Lucky
Participant

Katie came around the glass clasping hands with her sister, smiling a dizzying grin that had Erika swaying. She could feel her, the touch, not only in her hand but in her mind. They were linked again for the first time in so many uncounted years. (Is Erika a child or child-like? Uncounted years makes it sound like a really long time, putting Erika past childhood. I can’t remember if you mentioned that in part 1. If she’s still a child, maybe need some other reference to indicate what a child would consider it forever ago while to the reader it wasn’t quite that long.)  Erika is supposed to be 14 now and she was 4 when she was locked up.  It is mentioned in part one but I may not have made it clear, I will have to check on that.  The doctors know how long its been but she doesn not.

 Although she was smiling (comma) Katie looked a little pale. She nodded at Erika then hugged her close. Both their breathing was labored. (sentence needs reworded, it’s both passive and awkward) “Let’s rest okay? Finding you has left me tired.” Katie used her fingers to comb Erika’s wild hair, calming her sister to sleep. They drifted off in each others arms. I think I know what you mean here. I think

Katie watched Erika as she drifted off to sleep. She sounded so much more normal like this. She frowned when Erika started to dream, knowing what was to come. (With how the story ends, this paragraph doesn’t make much sense. Who is Katie really? Not the Katie of the past, but the Katie of the present? How can she judge ‘normal’?)  your right Im not sure what Im trying to say here, the part with the girls is supposed to be all from Erika’s point of view anyway. I may take this part out.

Erika whimpered, then grinned. She shook her head fiercely and demanded they shut up. But it was Katie’s voice that spoke, haunting her mind. (Something about that phrasing bugs me, but I can’t put my finger on it.) She is Scitzo and hears voices, at this point she starts hearing katie’s voice as one of the voices in her mind and feels she must obey her sister even if it is to do bad things.  I dont want to straight out say it, the description is meant to cover that, I’ll have to work on it.

There lay Katie, in clothes that were not meant to be red, in the arms of Erika her self (no space, just herself), rocking Katie’s body in her arms. The other Erika cooed to her that they will would always be together even as her sister’s blood soaked the carpet beneath them. Erika stood behind the duplicate of herself, horrified by what she saw. The scissors she was just holding (had just been holding, I think is what you meant) This whole section didnt come off how I meant it, I can see it in my head but it is hard to explain. She1 is looking at herself2 with her sister in herself2’s lap.  Her1 had scizzors in her1 hand then they were gone into herself2’s hand buried in neck…) thats what Im fumbling with wording over here. you see what Im saying?

 It’s getting much better. I have a few questions. While I think I understand what happened in Erika’s past, I don’t understand her present. How is it that she is in whatever place with Asa Edwards? After she killed her sister she was found and locked up in a home for crazies. What brought her there? Cops Was the other woman playing the part of Katie somehow? No, the whole “gift” was a farse.  There was no gift.  The woman doctor put her in a room with a chair and had her look at a mirror to see what would happen.  Erika saw her own reflection and went into a psycotic episode and as a result completely imagined everything that happened after.That is the main idea. Was that the treatment? The treatment itself hadnt happened yet, the woman doctor wanted to see how erika would react to the mirror so she knew how to medicate her. I need to understand a little better of how the treatment worked, what they did for the goal. I’m guessing the goal was to get Erika to let go of the past and become aware of the present again. I’m not quite sure.The doctors goal had little to do with Erika’s episode.  Her own mind pushed her to remember what she did so she could come to peace with herself, because she had blocked it out as a tramadic memory from her childhood.  All she can recall is that they took her away from her sister and she wants her back.  While she is looking in the mirror she remembers what she did.  She allows herself to die at the end because she feels it is what she needs to do to be at peace.  I can see now what I didnt get across and I have alot of work to do. Thanks for helping that was great.  You pointed out alot of holes I was missing.