Re: Re: The opening chapter of my second book

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#501093

Amitola
Participant

Noob comments, so treat with a grain of salt:

Overall, this is a great beginning!

Most of the dialog is believable and flows very well.  The general tone is very good — the humor works.  Excellent! 

My minor quibbles would echo most of the other ones above: 

I agree that the blown-to-bits John Michaels was a great character — I bonded and learned as much about him in that short descriptive paragraph and snippet of dialog as I did about Sarah in the whole thing. 

At first I thought She was a young kid who’d irritated her mom, then maybe an older, air-headed teenager that Eb had a crush on.  Certainly NOT a psychologist, trained or otherwise.  If she’s truly a clutzy pyshologist, she should at least be able to use some sophisticated psycho-babble to explain away her ineptitude, not just act like a ditz…

The explanation of former-FBI-agent-turned-cranky-restauranteer Maggie’s role seems a wee bit shoe-horned in at the end.  I’d maybe plant that “ex-FBI” seed a little earlier in the scene, then let her dialog flow from that.

But again — quibbles.  In general, I’m looking forward to more!