pegs – 2008-11-11 11:00 PM
Paul – you do have some interesting ideas. This is another one that I think has a lot of potential.
I’d like to hear more about the “It’s a man’s world” view of life that you touch on at the end. Maybe put that specifically in the beginning, with those words even. I think you’re saying in this essay that “It’s a man’s world” led to chivalry, which led to the attempts to elevate women, which led to a lot of new hassles for women along with the death of chivalry, which is unfortunate because now women are in the ditch with no chivalrous man to haul them out. Is that roughly it?
Starting with your 12 year old self is cute (especially the part about the bras), but it left me expecting to touch base with your older self or selves. It suggests a personal story thread to the essay, but that doesn’t happen. I’d say leave it out. I mean, it’s clear that this is an opinion essay, but making it personal changes it. I hope that makes sense to you. It does to me, but I’m getting sleepy, so not sure how well I’m expressing myself.
The essay rambles a bit in terms of tense and point of view and style. It could also be tighter, meaning beginning, middle, end, with a purposeful arc, ending with a bang.
Hope this makes some sense and has some use for you. Thanks for sharing!
Pegs, this is the second time I think you have cut right to the problem in my writing. I think all this stuff is so interconnected that it is easy for me to confuse the reader, which I see I did in this piece, again. I am doing it because I am not making things clear to myself up front.
So again I wander into writing a two-fer and it is not working. Grrrrrr!!! LOL!!
There is another piece in this altogether. It is one of how we define power, especially by gender. That is related to chivalry, but I could write the piece effectively without ever mentioning it.
Now, I will spend some time editing this and then I will repost it. Then I will move on to the other piece.
Thanks again for your thoughtful consideration of my work.