Re: RE: The Beauty I Have Missed

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#558900

Voskamp
Blocked

Hi there,

Several days ago I read this and let it simmer.  Today I went back and reread it.  You have some wonderful thoughts, but they confuse your reader.  Here are a few nits, which may help you build a stronger piece in your rewrite.

In your second paragraph you tell us you missed it, yet your whole paragraph says you watched it. Stick with one train of thought as you confuse your reader.

Fourth paragraph: gathered in mounds….  blowing around feet…  If they gathered in mounds, they would not be blowing around one’s feet.  You might say, some had gathered in mounds, others blew around one’s feet, etc.

Fifth paragraph:  You have already mentioned the fall colors in PP four, now you tell us Jack Frost painted the leaves.  You have reiterated what you have just stated.

In your second to last PP you mention Mother Nature again.  My personal opinion is that you could make this much stronger if you use God as the comforter.

As for the last PP.  No you didn’t miss any of the season changes, otherwise you would not have been able to describe them to us.  Why not think of the season changes as wonderment and also change your title to something like THE WONDER OF THE SEASONS.

Please try a rewrite of this article.  It has many good thoughts, but they need to be organized and thought through more coherently.  These are only my opinions and I hope it helps.

Lillies