Re: Re: Slipstreamer

Home Forums Critique Central Poetry Slipstreamer (rewrite) Re: Re: Slipstreamer

#526132

jayrbee777
Participant

OH! I like the metaphors here! Very nice! I have a few suggestions — take ’em or leave ’em, but here they are.
For more of a transition from the fish to the office, maybe reword to:

Russ is a small fish
slipstreaming from job to job?

And then, consider the following:

when he feels he’ll score . . . . (remove ‘like’)

The home office fired Russ today. . . . . . (Put a period here, and start a new sentence)
They found out his officemate was . . . . (I changed the breaks here — just personal preference 😉 )
clocking in for him
while he slept in late.

I guess that’ll show that slipstreamer . . . (teach — rather than show, maybe?) (THE slipstreamer, maybe?)
not to tailgate.

I don’t know if it will really teach him (OR show him), since guys like Russ don’t ever seem to learn! 😉
Great poem, T/P! 🙂