Re: Re: Remember to Breath

Home Forums Critique Central Thriller/Suspense Remember to Breath Re: Re: Remember to Breath

#501454

TheWryter
Participant

Fayettevillewriter,

You did a fine job with giving this piece tension, especially where you’d ended it. It seems very solid.

The only thing I could suggest, is that (unless you’re keeping it a secret for some specific reason later on) you might want to gently slip into the monolog, where exactly your characters are. It reads too long without placing them somewhere more specifically than just a Texas Hold ‘um table. BTW, good job not explaining that it is a Texas hold ‘um table—some people get the urge to tell such things even when it’s obvious.

Ok. So, is your main character in the basement of an illegal gambling facility? A casino tournament where there’s electricity running through the audience at the sight of such a big pot? Or perhaps your character is ready to spew in some private high rollers room? You have to put him/her (gender is still undetermined here) somewhere, thereby putting us somewhere.

I suggest saying something like. “If the other high rollers in this private room possessed the same hole cards that I held, they’d probably (play it the same way) or (wet themselves) or (be as sick as I am) etc.

I know you’d like to keep the flow and tension going, but by adding this one piece of orientation, your readers could visualize the surroundings without taking much focus off of the situation, thereby allowing them to grasp a sense of atmosphere to place with your gambler’s nervous stomach.

Like I’ve said, the tension is great, the reactions are believable and the flow keeps it all interesting. I read it without stopping once—to keep my attention that long is always a good thing. I like your style of writing. Good job.

If you’d like to read a draft I’ve written—Kaleidoscopes—you can find it in this same genre. Honest critique is always appreciated.

Sincerely,

Bill