Re: RE: Please help evaluate this work

Home Forums Critique Central Nonfiction Please help evaluate this work Re: RE: Please help evaluate this work

#501815

Dee-Marie
Participant

Interesting story!

I’m glad to hear this is just the beginning. Like Noreaster, I want to know how the character answers The Question. I want to read the rest.

This is easy to read and a pleasure most of the way. I agree with Paul that the beginning bogs down a bit. I took a stab at it. Please take or leave it.

I stood in front of the mirror in the locker room and inspected my new uniform. The brass on my square badge shimmered. Bright gold buttons sparkled on my starched black shirt. The perfect crease on my spotless trousers arrowed down to freshly-shined boots. A loaded .38 caliber revolver rested on my hip, reassuring yet alien. The black leather gun belt and ammo pouches gleamed.  I certainly looked like a deputy. I squeezed my eyes shut and offered a quick prayer, “Please Lord, help me to be able to do this”.

This part:

 Uh, Sarge?”, I croaked. He looked at me, eyebrows raised. I fingered my grey uniform tie as I searched for the words. I could not say them. I could not ask him The Question. I knew that no one could answer it but me. And I didn’t know the answer.

I love where he fingers his tie. Great way to show he’s nervous without saying it. I suggest expanding this paragraph a little, to thoroughly describe his inner struggle. Not a lot, just a little. It just feels short to me.

I would delete “A momentous question, that.” You’re stating the obvious.

You have a thorough description of Steve the big guy before we meet him. I think it would read smoother if you have our hero meet him and then describe him.

Thanks for sharing!

Peg