Re: RE: Please help evaluate this work

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#501810

silverjoy
Participant

This is a very good piece that you kill in the first paragraph.

“I stood in front of the mirror in the locker room and inspected my new uniform; badge square, brass polished, black shirt with gold buttons crisply pressed,”

Makes it sound like the buttons are pressed.

“trousers creased and spotless and boots shined. The loaded .38 caliber revolver on my right hip was loaded”

don’t say loaded twice.

“and gleaming an oily steel-blue. The black leather gun belt and holster glowed satisfactorily”

Glowed satisfactorily is cumbersome and doesn’t create an image for me.

“and creaked comfortably”

Exact same nit on this one.

This work has real potential. And your writing style, minus those snafus, is quite engaging. The subject matter is timeless and important, IMO. I do some very, very dangerous work, but I have often wondered if I would have the guts to strap on a piece and and face the kind of sociopathic trash that police have to all the time.

It is one hell of an important question you are asking. I hope to see the rewrites of this in the future.

Paul