Re: Re: Me and Mary Tyler Moore

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#503867

bigiq
Participant

A nice little slice of life–having grown up in the same era, I can certainly relate. I would make simple changes such as combining some of the sentences. It’s all right to start a sentence with “and,” but it’s better to make it all one sentence when what follows “and” is a continuation of the original thought. The first two sentences are an example of that. Also there are a few words that are repeated often, such as odd, awkward,etc.–I think this piece might benefit from an attempt to vary them. Even though this is a personal piece, in your own voice, I’d still avoid phrases such as “being that” in favor of “because” or something similar. I really liked this; I too was an “odd” child who thought that Mary had it all. 😉 Thanks for the memories!