Hmm, your edits are …thought-provoking. I’ve read them a few times, and trying to make sure the message and integrity are there. I’m not sure what to change “dance around your head” to…basically, like the other stanzas, meaning something without saying it. The first stanza is blood, then air, then synapses, then the earth, then the sun, pretty much. Need to work on that line to better say “air” without saying it. There are a couple things I don’t want to change, to make sure all things remain relatively similar throughout; retaining a theme, pretty much. Interestingly, the difference some of the editting has done in tone, to me, is sort of going from a more aggressive take-over into a more permitted surrender.
I shall take her (the poem) back to the drafting board, hopefully to return with a better-formed piece. It was one of those poems I found half-made, dusted it off, and tried to finish.
Thanks for the help, janet. 🙂
P.S. What did you mean by “parallel structures” by the way?