Re: RE: make you mine

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#348792

tijuanasmellsgood
Participant

I got to thinking about your poem and here are some suggestions, cleaning up the grammar more than anything else, you often didn’t use, as you should have, parallel structures.

crawl out from your bones,
pour me into your heart
and bleed me through your body.
FILL every bruise, weep from every wound
sustainING you
making your every pulse my own

dance around your head, (THIS ISN’T CLEAN, NEITHER AS IMAGE OR MEANING)
draw me into your lungs
and let me be your AIR
becoming every sigh, formING every word
saturatING you
making your every breath my own

LET ME STORM inside your skull,
flash me through your brain
and send me down your spine.
TO ridE every signal, spark from every nerve
electrifyING you
making your every thought my own

spin ME beneath your feet,
wander me hither and yon
and leave me with your remains, (COMMA)
devouring every ounce, dissolvING into every speck
LET ME absorb you
making your every atom my own

LET ME PASS across your sky,
disperse me IN your grave
and suffuse me IN your soul.
revealing every sight
shinING from ALL directionS
illuminateD,
you MAKE your every truth my own