I like this Paige — feels like the start of something really good! 🙂 I have some ideas you can consider — or not. 😉
First, I’d break it up more to shorten the lines. (I’ll do it below, just to make my comments fit. Where you choose to break might be different.)
Also, my comments are just suggestions, and dont necessarily fit into the poem exactly where placed. Youd want to juggle the words and phrases around a bit to make them work for you. First, since the poem is about a person, instead of beginning with there, Id start with you:
There with your Milky Way eyes . . . . . You there with
or You with your
Glimmering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You might add more verbs here — , sparkling, shimmering?
Find your niche,
your smile, . . . . . . Not sure smile fits here — niche, calling, passion = all somewhat synonymous.
Give your self the
opportunity to fly, . . . . Maybe smile belongs in this list? (fly, smile, live = all positive)
to stumble, to fall, . . . . Maybe dont be afraid to stumble/fall/etc? (all negative – somewhat)
In this one place,
one time, one life,
one magnificent breath
Just some things to consider. I really like where this one is going, Paige! 🙂