Re: Re: Little Dreamer

Home Forums Critique Central Poetry Little Dreamer–REMOVED Re: Re: Little Dreamer

#526112

jayrbee777
Participant

I like this Paige — feels like the start of something really good! 🙂 I have some ideas you can consider — or not. 😉

First, I’d break it up more to shorten the lines. (I’ll do it below, just to make my comments fit. Where you choose to break might be different.)

Also, my comments are just suggestions, and don’t necessarily fit into the poem exactly where placed. You’d want to juggle the words and phrases around a bit to make them work for you. First, since the poem is about a person, instead of beginning with ‘there’, I’d start with ‘you’:

There with your Milky Way eyes . . . . . ‘You there with…’ or ‘You with your…’
Glimmering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You might add more verbs here — …, sparkling, shimmering?
Find your niche,
your calling,
your smile, . . . . . . Not sure smile fits here — niche, calling, passion = all somewhat synonymous.
your passion
Give your self the
opportunity to fly, . . . . Maybe smile belongs in this list? (fly, smile, live = all positive)
to stumble, to fall, . . . . Maybe don’t be afraid to stumble/fall/etc? (all negative – somewhat)
to live
In this one place,
one time, one life,
one magnificent breath

Just some things to consider. I really like where this one is going, Paige! 🙂