Hello. I have read a few of the stories you have put here on WD forums, Godycreative, and I get a sense that you are continuously experimenting with your writing to determine the best way for you to write. With that in mind, I’ll say that, please, take how you have written this story and improve on this. Because I like your voice and language in this story best. The form you have used in this story is the one you should grow upon; to some extent at least, according to me.
Please, keep on writing.