I don’t know that you need to be stingy with interior stuff, though. You’re in 1st. the issue I saw with the orig example was the fact that you had a chunk of it. I liked where Lisa’s rewrite was going, but it’s gone very distant. It’s devoid of anything interior. You’re in first, so you can,and I’ll argue, should go deep. Like, where she wrote–
I finished drying off with the towel and threw it in the poolside basket. “Did they go to the Cayman Islands together?”
It certainly works as is. Just a thought, though–drying off takes time. And he’s not standing there, empty-headed, the whole time. 🙂 He’s had some sort of reaction to finding out they’re dating. You could certainly inject something there to tell us how he’s feeling, reacting. It’s an option.
Just another idea. You’ve already gotten some great one already.