Re: RE: Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17)

Home Forums Critique Central Mystery/Crime Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17) Re: RE: Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17)

#525307

Amitola
Participant

Lexi – 2009-03-24 3:50 PM

Okay, Chris, you guilted me into it.  Here’s an eensy-teensy bit of editing for you.  😉

Thanks, Lexi!! I kind of feel guilty about guilting you (I guess that makes it hyperguilt), but I really appreciate your input.  You give some of the best critiques around here — detailed, insightful, and always on-point.


  I couldn’t tell decide which was worse, the throbbing in my head or the pounding on my front door.  I lurched towards the entryway to at least make stop at least one of them. stop(Better, but it still seems awkward…something about the “at least” isn’t working for me.) I didn’t have to peer out through the window to know I knew who was there; the familiar voice yelled yelling had been clear over the insistent racket.  I opened the door and squinted into the brightness(period) to see Danny’s angry face glaring glared at me.

See?  This is what I’m talking about.  You have a great talent for helping to strip away the extraneous words and helping to get to the core of the point.  I need that — I can be a little too excessively wordy with extra words added that are extra and not needed.  ;^)

Side comment:  You started every sentence in the above paragraph with “I.”  See if you can reword one or two of those.

I see that now!  I hadn’t even noticed.  I appreciate you finding it.  I will try to fix it.  I think it will be better that way. 

Wait a minute…  Doh!


          “About time you got here,” he said as he pushed his way into the house.  “So why the hell didn’t you answer your cell phone?”

     “Sorry,” I said as (change that comma into a period and lose the tag.  The next sentence serves as an identifier.) I closed the door behind him.  “It’s been shut off for about a week.  (Put that sentence in between the other two, combine it with the new first sentence, and add a “so” to the beginning of it.  After reading it out loud a few times, both ways, it seems to flow better with that one in the middle.) I’m having a minor cash-flow problem at the moment.  My assets aren’t quite liquid.”

I’m sure that was terribly confusing, so here’s what I meant:

“Sorry.”  I closed the door behind him.  “I’m having minor cash-flow issues, so it was shut off about a week ago.  My assets aren’t quite liquid.”  (Hope that makes sense. 😮 )

Yep — perfect sense.  Thanks!


Will have to do more later.  This looks interesting.  😉

Thanks again!  I look forward to the whole she-bang when you get a chance!