Re: RE: Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17)

Home Forums Critique Central Mystery/Crime Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17) Re: RE: Hitting the Wall (revised 3/17)

#525305

charliebrown20
Participant

Okay, Chris, you guilted me into it.  Here’s an eensy-teensy bit of editing for you.  😉


  I couldn’t tell decide which was worse, the throbbing in my head or the pounding on my front door.  I lurched towards the entryway to at least make stop at least one of them. stop(Better, but it still seems awkward…something about the “at least” isn’t working for me.) I didn’t have to peer out through the window to know I knew who was there; the familiar voice yelled yelling had been clear over the insistent racket.  I opened the door and squinted into the brightness(period) to see Danny’s angry face glaring glared at me.

Side comment:  You started every sentence in the above paragraph with “I.”  See if you can reword one or two of those.
          “About time you got here,” he said as he pushed his way into the house.  “So why the hell didn’t you answer your cell phone?”

     “Sorry,” I said as (change that comma into a period and lose the tag.  The next sentence serves as an identifier.) I closed the door behind him.  “It’s been shut off for about a week.  (Put that sentence in between the other two, combine it with the new first sentence, and add a “so” to the beginning of it.  After reading it out loud a few times, both ways, it seems to flow better with that one in the middle.) I’m having a minor cash-flow problem at the moment.  My assets aren’t quite liquid.”

I’m sure that was terribly confusing, so here’s what I meant:

“Sorry.”  I closed the door behind him.  “I’m having minor cash-flow issues, so it was shut off about a week ago.  My assets aren’t quite liquid.”  (Hope that makes sense. 😮 )


Will have to do more later.  This looks interesting.  😉