Re: RE: Guardian Angel

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#489204

HoodWink
Participant

Pat, I loved your story. It has a very “real” quality and is both touching and moving. I found myself tearing up by the middle of your manuscript. You described the emotion of the situation most effectively.

I like your opening sentence. The first paragraph definitely draws the reader in and establishes the tone of your piece.

You employ a nice balance between short and long sentence structures which enhance the flow of the story.

There are some grammatical errors that can be easily corrected wtih proper editing.

At times, using “he” and “him” for both Jonathon and grandfather gets a little cumbersome toward the end of the story. There might be a better mixture of combining the names and pronouns.

In your closing paragraph, perhaps you could develop the time line of grandfather’s recovery futher.
For example….After a few days, his grandfather’s eyes opened. He responded to stimuli. In a few more days, Grandfather was able to move his hands and limbs. Then the day came when the machines were removed and he began breathing on his own. Finally, he began to speak.
Something to that effect–to better establish the progression of the healing process from opening his eyes to addressing his grandson, and to provide a sense of finality.

Excellent story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Cathy