Re: RE: Guardian Angel

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#489203

Voskamp
Blocked

Hi Pat

You have a nice idea for a story and very believable.  In reading it, I found some grammatical mistakes and a few typos.  In your first paragraph you have a run-on sentence which could be broken down so that it would flow better, making it easier for the reader. Perhaps you could break it down as follows:  His mind seemed to be locked in a space between life and death, preventing him from communicating.  He could not open his eyes nor move his hands or limbs. 

Second paragraph: That decision was not hers to make.  (No apostrophy on hers)  instead of–That was a decision, not of hers’ to make.

I hope these few suggestions will help and give you some ideas to keep the flow from bogging down. 

Lillies