This is an interesting piece. I can see the scene clearly, but I’m having trouble with lines 3,4,5, and 6. Treads through the press of men. I don’t think you need to follow that with surrounding his body. If they are pressing in on him that’s a given. Also you have: Proud steps and then treads through one line apart. It seems too much .Do you really need the word, treads? Could strides be used here? Then there are the words, despite the contact. the contact seems cold and unpoetic. Is there another way to show that?
Please remember this is just my opinion and can be totally ignored:)
Hope I’ve been helpful,