I used to do my plot descriptions for myself that way. I mean, it was the only thing I’d seen summing up plots, so naturally I did mine the same … [trailing off] way.
I don’t know if this is actually something you plan to send or not. Sometimes it’s good to just write out a “flyleaf” to get an idea of what you can say about a story. If you want an opinion, though, I’ve heard it’s really important not to say anything that explicitly praises (which flyleaves do.) For example, terming the battles epic, and the enemies wonderful yourself may be out of place in a query–but I’d say you have a rough gem for a query here, anyhow.
Oh and thanks for the good idea! Ya don’t mind if I steal it?