Re: Re: Flash fiction

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#588123

Sharkerella
Participant

Your second piece was so cool it made me forget the first one. In Thornapple; in the beginning you’ve mentioned your nanny’s regret of every moment of her past fifty years. Intriguing but what is the regret? Some minimum light shedding would be helpful.
Suggestions: While sitting on the dining table Nanny looks at the silver plate and sees her wrinkled face and thinks of the time she was young and beautiful. Did she have a dancing career which she gave up as she had to move to her husband’s business trip and take care of their children? Does nanny regret applying Botox and further disfiguring her face? Maybe you had a cat but nanny liked her more. Seeing her affection you gifted nanny the cat and nanny gladly accepted it. But now after the chaos the cat makes in the nanny’s house she regrets it. Did nanny abort her first child and lived through a terrible marriage which she believes was the punishment God gave for the abortion, so does she regrets abortion and the life that followed.
You end it with ‘Your weapon and instructions are in the third bureau…’ Sounds like a contract killer being given a job. Your descriptions are precise but overall I found this piece a little vague.

Your second piece is damn good. I want to know why does the MC go to her tormentor’s cell over and over again. What crime could she have done? Does she suffer from self masochism or split personality? What kind of technically perfect but seemingly impossible and inhuman crimes could such a character have committed that she ended up in prison?
Is this routine torture her reality or a nightmare?
Are you sure a group of guys didn’t burst some firecrackers after you wrote the first piece? The sound pierced your soul and your split personality came out to write the second one?