Re: Re: Critique Again Please!!!

Home Forums Critique Central Query Letter Clinic Critique Again Please!!! Re: Re: Critique Again Please!!!

#471930

ljb1947
Participant

I chose to submit my 80,000 word romance novel STICKY SITUATIONS to you because it is similar to by , and I think my work will suit similar readers.

Actually there isn’t anything wrong with comparing your book to another that the agent has sold. In fact, it can be a good thing to do. Many articles and books advise starting with this. The comparison was well stated–saying it would appeal to the same readers, not that your book is a clone. So I would keep that if you do indeed have a good comparison to make. It isn’t hyperbole saying you’re the next best seller or whatever. It simply is telling the agent that you went to the trouble to find out what they sold and where it would fit on their list. I would trim it slightly. Obviously, you’re submitting so I’d take that part out.

People, many agents including Nathan Bransford ask for this as the first paragraph–so don’t rip on it so hard.

Now let me say that I personally prefer to start with the plot summary. After trying both methods, I found that I got better results with that. But both are perfectly acceptable and either may well work.

My problem with the rest is that it doesn’t have a hook and doesn’t draw me in.

STICKY SITUATIONS is set in the suburbs of Chicago. is definitely not a hook and you don’t get to the point of saying something specific (kind of) that happens for several sentences.

When Dana is subjected to a brutal attack, she relies on the support of her friends.

What kind of attack? By whom? That could be someone yelling at her and the phrasing is distancing. Do you mean she is raped? Beaten almost to death? Or yelled at really bad? If this is the pivotal event, then start with it. Start with someone’s name–Dana if she is the main character. And start with it in specific terms.

Try to model it more on a back of the book blurb. I’d skip background which doesn’t hook. Do we need to know it’s in Chicago? What difference does this make? I can’t tell from your description even what the main conflict is which is the big hooking point.

What you have is a string of (to be frank) cliches: become engulfed in a maze of secrets and betrayal, for instance. And it gives me no clue what is going on or what the novel is about. What is the specific pivotal event that sets the novel off? Don’t try to describe the whole novel. Give enough of a description of the start to hook the agent to want to know what happens.

I’d cut the end down to just that you look forward to hearing from them or something like that. They know you’ll send them what they ask for. LOL

The accepted format for your book title is to put it in all caps, by the way.

Hope this helps.