Re: RE: Critique Again Please!!!

Home Forums Critique Central Query Letter Clinic Critique Again Please!!! Re: RE: Critique Again Please!!!

#471924

LauraSingleton
Participant

Hm, I’m no expert, but here’s what I got.

“I chose to submit my 80,000 word romance novel STICKY SITUATIONS to you because it is similar to by , and I think my work will suit similar readers.”

I just feel like that shouldn’t be the first line. Jump right into the story, and leave that for the end.

“STICKY SITUATIONS
 is set in the suburbs of Chicago. Four friends become engulfed in a maze of secrets and betrayal.”

You can condense this by saying “In the suburbs of Chicago, four friends become engulfied in a maze of secrets and betrayal.”

“When Dana is subjected to a brutal attack, she relies on the support of her friends.”

Maybe a phrase saying who Dana is, when the main character Dana, when Dana, a (whatever occupation), etc. A little more background would be nice.

“Will keeping up with the secrets and lies become more than their friendships can endure.”

That should be a question I assume, and I don’t like having a question in a query. Perhaps you could say, The secrets and lies may be more than their friendships can endure, or something about how the novel demonstrates how friendships are strained and put to the test.

“I’d be happy to send you the first three chapters or the complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you”

Instead, I would go to that particular agents page and see what they desire. You can just say “Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you” if you don’t have a specific thing like, I have attached a synopsis as you requested, or I have attached the first three chapters as requested on your site. It sounds more personable if you make it how they want it.

Hope that helped somewhat.