Re: Re: Child of Misfortune (867 words)

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#488359

silverjoy
Participant

Hey Pegs,

Great work!

The first sentence was a good attention getter, and the flow was almost impeccable. I got a little fuzzy on the capitalization of Another Country. I think I got the point somewhat, but it was the only nit that left me a little distracted.

I agree with LT and the others about the core being what is crucial here and that this story could easily be rewritten for first rights. All it needs to avoid the hint of overdone is a nice twist. Like maybe the woman being a psychotherapist or domestic abuse counselor. Happens you know, I’ve seen it. And I am sure in some of the women’s forums you could find one to speak with related to your piece.

I think the only other improvement I could suggest is that I wanted inside this woman’s mind a little more on why she stayed with Pothead. We all know it happens, but the dynamic is interesting and could add some more flavor to the piece if explored. Personally, I think it goes further than just the insecurity from not having the abuser around and extends more toward using the abuse to address some other inner turmoil.

I have seen men and women who were in horribly abusive relationships and stayed despite having every resource in the world at their disposal.

Anyway, I am rambling now. I’ll shut up and wish you well with the rewrite. Excellent work.

Paul