Re: Re: Cancer, called Loneliness” / Revised 12/07/08

Home Forums Critique Central Poetry Cancer, called Loneliness” / REMOVED/1/12/09 Re: Re: Cancer, called Loneliness” / Revised 12/07/08

#498214

Bruce
Participant

Angel, On this stanza you’ve already mentioned loneliness. No need to mention it in the second line to. I’ve fiddled a little so you can see what I mean:

Things that cause loneliness, hurt and fear;
like cancer, unseen,

In this next stanza I thought the word destroys wasn’t quite telling the real story. To destroy basically means to take out. Where as infesting, invading, blighting or any of the other descriptions might fit better to show the continual destruction rather than one destructive final blow:

eating away at joy, and blighting/infesting/invading/plaguing/torturing my emotions.
Everyone’s watching, but they don’t see a thing.

I hope you don’t mind me fiddling with your work, but I just wanted to throw a spanner in there and see what would happen.

Please, please remember I am NOT a poet, just an opinionated wannabe:)

Hope I’ve been a help and not a hinder,
Elizabeth