“Hello friends,” says Cari, pushing herself up from the table, a glass of champagne sloshing in her right hand. “I want to toast Lew and Linda, the happy bride and groom.
“Linda’s been my best friend since we were in kindergarten together, and, man, the stories I could tell. We pretended to be perfect role models for our peers while playing pranks on them. Strange, they never caught on. We were that good. When we picked up tests, we would deviously change answers.
“When a student challenged the teacher, saying, ‘I didn’t write that! That’s not my answer,’ Linda and I would smirk at each other, while the teacher said, ‘I can only go by what’s written.’ ‘But that’s not even my writing,’ the student protested. ‘Well, then, please explain to me how it got there.’ The student never could because no one would have believed that the two nicest girls in the class would have finagled it.
“Sometimes we would even stick a nail in the tire of a teacher we didn’t like. And all our shenanigans were our secret.
“You might think we would have stopped playing pranks at some point. We never did. Why, just last night while you guys were having your bachelor party with all those whores…” Linda’s face turns white, and she tries to get Cari’s attention, but Cari is too far in her cups to notice. “Anyway, Linda and I had the brilliant idea of disguising ourselves as whores and joining the party.
“Linda kept her eyes glued to Lew who at first was rather stand-offish, but as more drinks arrived and the girls began lap-dancing, Lew began to respond. Suddenly, his jeans became too small, and he pulled them down and sat the girl with no underwear right on his thingie, and you can guess where that lap dance progressed.
“Linda got even, though. In a throaty voice, she asked, ‘Hey, guys, what do you think of this?’ And she unzipped her dazzling gold dress and let it fall to the floor, revealing black stockings and garter. No need to say, the men went crazy and were on her like bats to caves. Yeah, she got even, all right.
“Me? Oh, I just had to get proof that Lew was ****ing, so I went over to him, pushed the whore aside, pulled him off his chair and did it right on the floor. He was so eager.”
At this point, Lew and Linda silently get up and leave. “Hey, guys,” I said, “I’m not through with my speech. That’s rudeness for you!”