Re: Re: Baby Shoes

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#596851

clareantoinette
Participant

You’ll want to clean up the typos, and I agree with Oldtimer about the repetition. Especially the use of ‘baby shower gifts’ and Bonzo ‘ripping the shoes off with his teeth’. Once it’s established that the gifts are from a baby shower, you can probably just say ‘gifts’. I know that seems like a small thing, but it can be distracting to a reader.

I liked the description of the boys sitting behind the shed with the dog. That’s the kind of grounding in the setting that I’d like to see a little more of. One line that allows us to see where they are. Perfect.

Now, I understand that you were writing a story around the “baby shoes for sale, never worn” line, and as an experiment to limber up your fiction chops, I think this works. But as a short story, it lacks a purpose. The characters don’t grow, and they don’t learn anything, and neither does the reader. Basically, there’s no “aha” moment, and I wish there was.