Re: Re: Autumn’s Fall

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#503058

Bruce
Participant

Hi Dan:)
I’m really sorry, but the language of this puts me off. On top of that it seems to ramble on too much. My advice (and I’m not expert, barely a novice infact) is that you should use contempory language and cut the poem to shreds. I do see a beautiful poem in there it’s just being smothered by a lot of unnecessary words.

I’m sorry Dan, but you have a mountain of work to do on this. Is it about Autumn’s fall, or Jack Frost? And Jack Frost does not dye anything any other color but Frost white. I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but like I said you have the skeleton of a good Autumn poem here. You just need to flesh it out.
All the best,
Elizabeth
PS Just some points:

(a shroud of frost does lie.) shroud is such a heavy, dark word. Just my opinion but what about something like shawl?
(Oh how they do, fill mine eye.) Shouldn’t that be ‘eyes’?
(And to their rest, till springs reset, do they fore go.) I’m not sure if you mean: fore go or forgo/forego Go in front of? Or precede?
(And through my bedroom’s window pains,) pains should be panes.