Re: RE: An Angling Dad’s Dream Turned Folly

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#470917

Dee-Marie
Participant

Bryan,

It sounds like a fun afternoon with a couple of cute boys. I chuckled at the image of Phillip doing his little bootie-shaking victory dance.

It feels like you telling me about your day, though, rather than a story for publication. I think it would pack more punch if you limited the scope somehow. Like just make it about the boys’ interactions and casting efforts. Leave out the part about your parenting skills or faux pas’s (however you spell that). That wasn’t clear to me anyway. I wasn’t sure how you lost your dignity or what lesson you were supposed to have learned.

I’m also a sucker for a spunky beginning, and, because of this, the story would work better for me if all that stuff in the first paragraph were weaved into the story somehow, and you began with the actual events of the day.

That’s my two pesos as an individual reader and sometime nonfiction writer myself. Take ’em or leave em, and thanks for sharing your work!

Peg