Re: How would you write this?

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#471310

Mark Lewis
Participant

Any suggestions that would make this read better?  Our protagonist is thinking about asking Carey out, and Liz is telling him that she’s out of his league.  Would this be better if the narrative went away and everything was expressed through dialogue? 

Besides,” Liz said, “she’s going out with Mom’s broker, Bill Thornbourgh.”

Did they go to the Cayman Islands together?”

Lizzie laughed. “He owns a condo down there,” she said. “Try competing with that.”

It figured – he was just her type: successful, wealthy, and he was scaling the corporate ladder with ease. I thought he was humorless and bland, but I guess she was able to overlook his flaws since he owned a Ferrari and he lived in Grosse Pointe – and now he apparently owned a freaking condo in the Cayman Islands.    

Carey was the type of girl who took a hard look at the size of the wallet before she dated a guy – yet another fact that put her out of my league. It sounded like she and Bill Thornbourgh would be very happy together.

Thanks for any help you can give me…

Jeff C

http://www.ebmaclean.com