Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

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mike m.
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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis

Postby mike m. » Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:16 pm

a bit too fantasy and not enough sci for my taste

good luck
there is a market for all genres

maybe a fan will come along and critique the synopsis in more detail

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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby sjones009 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:23 pm

How would you define science fiction? It does seem a bit fantasy now that you mentioned it. The technology is a bit magical. I never thought of it that way before.

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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby sjones009 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:19 pm

Why has my initial post been deleted?

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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby sjones009 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:24 pm

This is a synopsis for a graphic novel I plan to illustrate myself. It was inspired by early cyberpunk works like Blade Runner and Neuromancer and Ghost in the Shell (1995). I'm going for a gloomy neo noir atmosphere in a world so miserable that even people are reluctant to be immortal even when it is a possibility. The story follows Martin Mevs, a soldier with PTSD who has just lost his husband to gang violence. I want the reader to feel Martins detachment from the world after his as he mourns the death of his partner as he goes through great lengths trying to bring him back from the dead.

The Indigo Soldier
By S.I. Jones
In a world where the deceased live posthumously through prosthetic bodies that store consciousness, a retired war veteran battles PTSD and relies on his old skills to save his dead husband who was murdered by the Chinese Mafia.

Martin Mevs and Zane Rosario, early 30s, celebrate their eight-year anniversary at a Hong Kong hotel. Martin is a retired decorated war hero. Martin and Zane both have immortal bodies. While most people can afford to get revived at the end of their lives, they are unable to update their bodies and most go through the full ageing process each time which discourages most from reviving more than once or twice. So while normal people can live indefinitely in theory, most choose not to. Only the wealthy can acquire replacement bodies on a continual basis. Martin and Zane have won a lottery that was rigged in their favor thanks to Martin’s connections with high ranking government officials. In the beginning, they are preparing to migrate to planet Kalos, a paradise planet only for very wealthy people. Martin is eager to live for the rest of eternity in love with Zane on the paradise planet however, Zane has become undiscernibly upset. Martin tries to figure out what is bothering him but Zane gives no answer.

Martin’s happiness vanishes in his worried thoughts about Zane. After chatting on the balcony, they both go to bed. Martin tells us he has sensed a malicious presence around the hotel but he has been hesitant to tell Zane. He infers that the light anomalies spotted around the hotel are telescopic reflections that can only come from a sniper. Before he can leave the apartment to investigate, four gangsters break into their apartment, shooting Martin and Zane at point blank. Martin wakes up in a hospital bed to a doctor who tells Martin Zane did not survive, Zane’s mind jack has been destroyed and Zane is unrevivable.
One month later, Martin sits in a dark room and writes “Avenge Him” on every photo of Zane with a red marker. His employer leaves a message on his voicemail urging him to come back to work or they must terminate him. At a Hong Kong police station, five suspects are lined up and cued to say a phrase (the last words Martin heard the Triads say). Martin doesn’t recognize any of them by face, bosses the incompetent police around rudely and embarrasses them in front of the Commissioner, Coy Lang. She tells Martin the Triads have been selling mind-data on the black market where buyers use stolen minds to create bootleg AI. The commissioner promises Martin she will do everything she can. Martin rejects her empty promise by scolding her about her department that colludes with the Triads in secret. Before he parts, the commissioner gives Martin a fragment of Zane’s somatic memory and tells him there is a chance that a skilled mortician can put Zane back together.

Martin roams the crowded streets of Hong Kong alone till he reaches the grimy Hong Kong outskirts. Every now and then invasive visions of the war he fought flash in his mind. Martin recalls the time Zane was nearly drowned alive by the enemy as a prisoner of war. Martin saved Zane and performed CPR to revive him. Zane suffered from pneumonia and hypothermia as the military medics tried their hardest to heal him. He The visions cripple him Martin. He wanders asking for the location of Otomo Naoyuki then gets into a fight with a circumspect street vender. Martin deals with the vender using military martial arts. One of Otomo’s workers pulls martin from the crowd and takes him to a laboratory which looks like a Buddhist temple. Otomo is a tall Asian man with dark brown skin. He tells Martin he would need more somatic memory and he can only resurrect Zane if Martin retrieves the original mind data from the Triads. Otomo has a specialty crew of mercenaries, called Gravediggers, who recover leftover mind-data in burials for prosthetic bodies for people who fear the mind-data might be stolen, then cremates the memory so the spirit passes peacefully. Martin asks Otomo to lend him the crew and help him find Zane’s mind. Otomo refuses, senses Martin is mentally unstable and only pursuing Zane only to fill a deep void in himself. Reminding him that those he revives should only live among those who respect the dead as living beings, not emotional outlets. He begs on his knees. Otomo still refuses. Martin leaves and sleeps outside Otomo’s Mortician shop for days, sometimes in the rain like a vagabond.

He goes to a graveyard festival where he finds many half-lifes and living people, celebrating ancestors through ritual. A half-life is the consciousness of a deceased person living inside of a prosthetic body. He witnesses two of Otomo’s gravediggers unearthing a tomb and wiping the data from a corpse with a Triad member supervising them and takes photos. Upon seeing Martin’s photos, Otomo agrees to attempt to resurrect Zane out of the somatic memory. Zane appears in a glowing holographic light for three minutes and Martin cries. Otomo senses the love for Zane is strong. Martin threatens to expose Otomo’s cooperation with the Triads, which Martin believes is hypocrisy. Otomo assigns his three Gravediggers to help Martin.

The three Gravedigger’s and Martin go to the hotel apartment where Zane was murdered to investigate the scene of the crime. They gather that one is left handed and what weapons were used. They also gather that one got his eye blown off by Zane’s pistol. On a footprint, they find seaweed. “Teach me how to shoot. I’m rusty.” Says Martin. They all go out to practice shooting in the wilderness. The gravediggers are amazed to see Martin assemble a gun with a blindfold on. He is a mystery to them. They ask Martin who he is. Martin does not give straight answers.

After analyzing the seaweed, the 3 hitmen stakeout to watch the perpetrators at the seaport where the Triads smuggle things into the country. They identify a man with an eyepatch. They follow the perpetrators follow the perpetrators as they complete errands at the docks. Martin spots a man who wears the pendant found on Zane’s body before he was murdered. The thief alike boards a ship and Martin breaks protocol to follow him. Four police officers and a police dog follow the look alike as well, suspecting him of carrying drugs. Martin shoots a water tower to divert the cops with water gushing out all over the docks. The theif gets nervous and jumps onto a speeding raft piloted by one of the Triads. Martin follows, lands on the raft and punches out the triads then snatches the pendant. Before he can hurt Martin, a gravedigger shoots the thief. Martin is shot and badly wounded. They retreat to a hideout.

At the hideout, he tells the hitmen that after an accident on the battlefield, Martin has memory loss and will eventually lose his memory. But when he was with Zane he did not suffer any memory loss. Even worse when Martin dies, because of his corroded brain, he would be unrevivable yet so long as Martin is with Zane his brain is healthy and he able to be preserved as a half-life. A condition known as indigo neurodegenerative disease. He tells the gravediggers he must find Zane’s mind data before Martin’s brain deteriorates. The gravediggers heal Martin.

The Gravediggers receive orders from their boss, Al Munn, to recover mind data from a few Triads who have been murdered at the docks. Munn tells Otomo that his men were attacked by four men. Three Asian and one African American. They realize that Munn ordered the hit on Zane and that his gravediggers just killed Munn’s men. The gravediggers drive to the morgue and tell Martin to remain in the car but Martin follows them without their notice. Inside the morgue, Martin hears Munn explain to the hitmen he wanted to use Zane’s technology to engrain AI into prosthetic shells normally used to encase half-life’s. He commands them the execute Martin before him to prove their allegiance. Martin drives the car into the morgue with Martin Vengeance written on the rearview mirror then throttles the car into Munn’s room, jumps out of the driver seat and fills it with bullets from an automatic handgun until it explodes. The he snaps several necks and leaves a trail of carnage as he makes his way to the room where Zane’s mind data is held. He retrieves Zane and leaves.

Martin rapidly forgets what Otomo’s building looks like. He holds digital photos of the building on his phone up to the streets trying to match them. Time is running out. The illness wasn’t supposed to kick in this fast. Martin is caught by the Hong Kong Police and a few United States officers who arrest him and bring him back to the US. He is admitted to a veteran’s hospital. A doctor examines Martin, who has forgotten everything from Hong Kong. An American Lieutenant who served with Martin tells him Zane arranged the hit on himself. The officer give Martin a letter written by Zane about how he sees no purpose in life since he felt an extraordinary presence when he crossed over. He wants to return to that presence that he believes is his dead father or God. The lieutenant says he hired a sect of Triads who specialize in murdering people upon request and purging their consciousness. After reading the rest of the heartfelt letter Martin feels a completeness. Martin feels he’s had a great deal of love from Zane despite him being gone, and feels what he had was real. He comes to the realization that what he experienced with Zane was beautiful but had to come to an end; as all good things must. After a month, satisfied Martin travels to Kalos with a healthy memory. He tosses Zane’s ashes into orbit, breathes the fresh air on Kalos, ready to start a new life.

mike m.
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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby mike m. » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:46 pm

[quote="sjones009"]Why has my initial post been deleted?[/quote]

ask pls

he posted his aol email for contact recently
... via e-mail, <plsbcbdxer "at" aol.com == plsbcbdxer@aol.com

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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby Oldtimer » Sat Aug 12, 2017 8:42 am

Looks like your synopsis is back, but it should be in the Critique section, not in Tips and Advice.
Read samples of my Martian series (by Dorothy Piper) and two romances (by Joni Havel) on Smashwords.
Hard copies of all are on Amazon.

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Re: Please critique my Sci-Fi Synopsis (1100 words)

Postby pls » Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:24 am

Dorothy's right - you can contact me via e-mail at <plsbcbdxer "at" aol.com>, since the PM function no longer works. Deletions? You posted several duplicate posts of the same thing in various forums, and I deleted all but one. I have no idea which one might have been the "original" post.
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