Need help Revising

Network with other poets, including fans of Robert Lee Brewer's Poetic Asides blog.
Raziel36
Private E-1
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2015 9:08 pm

Need help Revising

Postby Raziel36 » Sat Sep 19, 2015 7:01 pm

I want to make this better so I can give it to someone
If you have anything to make it better, tell me please.


You saved me.
You were a key I could never find
To a lock on living my life
And while telling you was torture,
The words you replied
Helped me to live my life.
You became my new outlet,
The one I needed most.
And I know you're a wizard,
But you managed to do something
No other could ever duplicate,
You could take it all away
With just the words you would say.
And even if you could use obliviate,
It wouldn't be worth it,
I wouldn't want to ever remember a world without you.

I've known you since sixth grade
And the first time I met you
You just told me your name.
It stuck with me the rest of the day
Before I had the courage to say,
"I really like your name, it's cool."
At least in my head,
I'm not sure I ever said it out loud,
And if not, I'm doing it now.
That year was a blur
Before I transferred schools for seventh,
Sure that I would never see you again.
Until a summer passed and I saw you practicing
Out at Mountain View.
So we texted for a year
Before the coaches
Decided on not being crazy,
Put you on my team
Because you always keep fighting,
You never back down,
Something that is so amazing.

How you are in real life
The way you put up a fight,
Determination in your eyes
A fire inside,
You're an inspiration to us all.
You'll never give up,
You've got your priorities straight,
And so do I,
You're my best mate.
With courage and strength in your mind,
Fight or flight, it's always fight,
No matter the challenge,
First to the ball
Or helping out a friend,
You'll always be first to respond.
You see,
A picture isn't enough to capture you
And I know this poem isn't even close,
It barely scratches the surface,
But something about you that's amazingly insane,
Is you accepted me for who I am, who I used to be.
And believe me, I know it's not easy,
But you still manage to do it unfathomably.
You've helped me out constantly
With practically everything,
So if you ever need anything
Just say something,
Because I figured I'd have to
Cross every ocean and sea to repay
A fraction
Of what you've done for me.

User avatar
roda havet
Captain
 
Posts: 1161
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:06 am

Re: Need help Revising

Postby roda havet » Sat Sep 19, 2015 7:17 pm

I'm not sure what I would change about this. I do know this poem has a lot of emotion and heart put in it. I really enjoyed reading this and who ever it is for I'm sure will enjoy it as well. :)
[color=#00BF00]Dream to live, live to dream, and write to love, love to write![/color]

max2011
Captain
 
Posts: 1089
Joined: Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:31 am

Re: Need help Revising

Postby max2011 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 3:08 pm

Nice heart-warming poem. The critique section is where you should post poetry for comments/critique.
My suggestion is that you have repeated the same idea in both stanzas. Maybe you could choose the best lines and shorten your poem to increase the effect of the emotion. And instead of saying you want to repay this person, why not come out and say how...


Return to Poetic Asides

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest